Mood = Normal? I am not sure what normal is really, so we’ll go with this.

Today I was thinking about my mania, it’s cause me a lot of problems and I am very lucky that it didn’t get me killed with all the risks that I took.  I could have been murdered or caught some deadly VD, but I didn’t. Not that making me feel like a slut and everyone hating me was wonderful but the consequences could have been much worse.

I do miss the way it made me feel. Confident and ready to take on the world. I’m a larger girl who lives in LA, it always make me feel horrible about myself whenever I see the skinny little women that are all over the place.. ugh. When I do have those even hypo-manic days though I feel a little better.

In my mania I bought a computer when I was 19, I couldn’t afford it but it was rent to own and my dad’s girl-friend had one, so I had to do one better. I did not like that woman. It lead me to some very positive things though. BBS’s not sure how many of you remember those? I was able to make friends though and not have to be anything other then me, because we had something in common and they didn’t know the old me.

I was introduced to MMORG’s and in one very large manic episode, met my now husband in one. I rarely left my house at the time and lived with an abusive husband, but this wonderful man I am married to, came to Canada to visit me and the next week I left my country, my family and all my possessions to come to the states to be with him. I have not had one regret about that, EVER.

So there are some really good sides to mania. I miss it, I admit it. Especially with all the depressive states that I get into. I long for the high. Then I remember all the bad things I had done when I was like that.

Sometimes it is good to remember the wonderful though. This illness does some crazy things to us, but it also makes us amazing.