I’ve been what I call broken for a very long time. However I have peeks of sun through the clouds and am able to muster the courage to step outside of my home and live life.
When we decided to move back to Omaha from California something remarkable happened. I started going out to the beaches, museums and parks (not theme parks). I felt like a normal person for a change and as I did more and more the anxiety started to become part of the foreground. When we got back to Omaha this continued for a while. Restaurants were a breeze. Shopping, hell ya.. Anything seemed possible.
Once we moved into our house I stopped going out less and less and now even the thought of going to my mother in laws is stressful. We have to go there tomorrow and I’m going no matter how afraid I am.
The thing is I don’t want to be this way but just taking a step outside creates anxiety. I try to walk to the mailbox which is about half a block away so I am not a complete shut in. I go to walk-in clinics for my problems because they are open at night and are typically pretty empty.
The night comforts me. It’s like a mask over everything I’m afraid of.
What am I afraid of, I don’t really know anymore. I just know that I am afraid all the time now.
Time to start exposure therapy again. Maybe this time it will stick. One step at a time…