It’s just one of those days where I’m moody and kind of have the blues. I don’t know why. I finally have my husband to myself after the father in law visit. Which ended weird in a good way. He told me he loved me. It was nice to hear just something I never expected to you know. Sure it’s a shitty paragraph but I don’t feel like splitting it up into bigger sentences.
The visit went well, I survived Christmas Eve and Christmas without anything bad happening. I think I also mentioned I did it stone cold sober and weedless. I’m actually kind of proud of myself for that.
Death is scaring me again. It just keeps popping in my head that we’re all gonna die and there’s not a goddamn thing we can do about it. It’s overwhelming honestly.
Today I have had two panic attacks so far. These are the panic attacks I am used to where I can’t seem to catch my breath and I have to concentrate so I don’t hyperventilate.
I’m feeling lonely even though hubby is right here and we’ve been hanging out today. We watched an entire anime together. I don’t know why I feel that way I just do.
Did I mention I got stoned to try and feel better and it’s not even helping this time. True blechness.
We’ve lost Carrie Fisher. An advocate for mental health and a remarkable woman. I cried. I’m not a Star Wars fan but we have so few people who stand up for mental health awareness, losing one tore me up. We lost Prince and George Michael. I shouldn’t see people I listened to as a teen dying, it’s just horrific and scary.
On a positive note I went out today. I went to Sam’s and Hobby Lobby and was supposed to go to my shrinks but she was sick and had to cancel. I made it through Christmas Eve and Christmas without drinking or smoking weed. I Did It! Man I’m glad that part is over though.
My father in law is still here. He leaves on the 30th. Tomorrow my mother in law comes over and Thursday, the whole damn family will be here for my sister’s in law birthday. I love her and would do anything for her. It’s a lot of stimulation though. Too much by the time things wind down.
I’m ready for this year to be over… Course the next four years are likely to be a nightmare too but for a completely different reason..
At this time of year especially I miss my family. I haven’t seen most of them for close to 16 years. My anxiety has kept me from taking the steps it takes so I can go back to Canada. I have invited them all to come here though. Some even on my dime. Yet I’ve only seen my mom and two youngest sisters.
My in laws are great. I get along well with them but except for my sister in law it just doesn’t feel the same you know?
Going to my nephews birthday celebration tonight, going to surprise them by showing up. I was invited but I usually don’t make it to this sort of thing. Leaving in 45 mins. I’m a little nervous but I think I’m good.
Holidays and such I tells ya.
Ohh my accomplishments today are getting dressed, brushing my hair, mopping and doing some other small cleaning things and hopefully going out 🙂
Today I got all my Christmas wrapping done. Which means I also got all my Christmas shopping done.. Thank you Amazon!
I didn’t accomplish much else but one thing a day right.
Yesterday I went out to the grocery store and tomorrow I am going to my sister in laws for my nephews birthday. The holiday season has begun!
Anxiety be damned…
I almost dread the good days because I know they don’t last very long.
Yesterday I was in a good mood, I actually got some shit done around the house. I cleaned laundry, picked up some around the house and then spent the day watching Glimore girls and the occasional Boss Ross video.
Today I woke up and feel overwhelmed. I know I have things I need to get done for Christmas and for my father in law’s visit. He will be here in 5 days!
The house isn’t in that bad of shape I suppose. Mostly it’s little things. However it is the little things that make my brain overload and want to shut down.
At least I wrote my blog today.
I woke up first thing this morning (well 11:00am) and went straight to the phone to order my xanax as my prescription only has about 8 days left and I don’t want to be without for even a minute. I’ve noticed that one of the few things I actually manage to keep track of despite having alarms.
As you know I set an alarm to write each day, sometimes I don’t follow through. I could even be sitting right here at the computer and not do it. I don’t know why. Motivation is very hard.
Yesterday I emptied the sink into the dishwasher it was crammed packed with dishes and I thought maybe it would be good if the sink looked nice. So I did something yesterday as far as an accomplishments. Just a little one a day might lead to bigger and better things.
It’s 11:16am and I’ve already done my blog.. Today is a good day.
I know it, I suck. I have barely been posting this holiday season. I just haven’t felt like writing. I painted last night though. Me and the sister in law followed a Bob Ross Video and proceeded to try to repeat the process in acrylics. I think they both turned out pretty cool.
It was family night so mom in law was over too for a time and we got to chat and hang.
I got drunk last night, it was a mistake. Feel like crap today.
Giving up weed for a month again. Going to see if that helps with the brain at all. Mostly I’m concerned about the paranoia. I hope it’s the pot. Though I’ve been paranoid in the past and it’s all been me, so I’ll just have to wait and see. I know giving up weed during the holidays is asking for trouble but I’m tired of being the whacked out girl too. I just spent the last month high every single day from morning until bed. It’s crazy and it’s fucking expensive. My husband is supportive either way, which is awesome.
It’s remarkable because I didn’t realize how damn numb I was until I wasn’t anymore. I’m not sure what to do about feelings. I cry, I get jealous, I get angry, I laugh, I feel joy and I feel like I’m spinning, like my head just won’t focus on one thing for very long. You know those racing thoughts? I only got four hours of sleep last night because of them and a headache. I need my brain to slow down. I’m still not motivated to do much either. gah.
I haven’t felt like I have had even one word to write so I have written in a couple/few days.
I still don’t know how much I have to say. I am weepy and unmotivated and feeling a little lost.
My father in law is coming for Christmas and I really wanted to be able to just chill with my husband this year. I’m tired of his showing up for all the damn holidays and I get no fucking time with my husband. Ok vent ended.
Other than that I have started watching Gilmore Girls right from the beginning before I get to their new movie/series thingy.
Hopefully I get the urge to write soon, I miss it but my mind is a flipping blank most of the time.
“I’m gonna get the fire started. Impossible for you to breathe.” (cascada – pyromania)
Yep those lyrics basically describe how my anxiety has been lately. It’s all calm then all of a sudden I’m getting a hot flash and an anxiety attack.
My mood has been fairly good though. My mind has been quick. These are good things.
So it’s definitely improving.
I’m not writing as often as I like but I’ve noticed that I’m just not motivated at all. I think it’s the weed. I shouldn’t have got more but I thought all I can do is make things better right?
Wrong. I do absolutely nothing.
The new meds have caused me to gain over 20 fucking pounds! After losing over 60 this is a real kick in the face.