This and the last post are closer than I’ve been in a long while. The wellbutrin has me motivated I suppose. I’m not unhappy. Still terrified of everything. It seems like all I can do is think of the worst scenario for anything. My brain never goes to the positive side.
I did walk to the mail box by myself today though. So that’s a huge accomplishment, specially when I have the flu. I did think a lot of negative things on the way there. Often times if keeps me from going though and this time it did not. This gives me some hope for myself and freedom from this prison I’ve created for myself. Tonight’s also the first time I’ve been high in a week. Which was a choice not because I ran out! I’m getting better at being recreational.
Anyhow I think that’s all I wanted to say.
Hi guys it’s been a while since I’ve written.
Lately all I can do is think about death. I’m afraid of so many things. Trump starting world war 3, getting older and being more at risk for illnesses. I’m terrified. There doesn’t seem to be anything I can do or think about that makes me feel any better either. I suppose it’s a good thing that I am afraid of death, I at least won’t be killing myself. Even with the almost constant depression.
I thought maybe writing about it might help, but it’s not.
I also have the damn flu which is giving me anxiety. I swear if it wasn’t for Xanax I would fall apart completely.
We’ve lost Carrie Fisher. An advocate for mental health and a remarkable woman. I cried. I’m not a Star Wars fan but we have so few people who stand up for mental health awareness, losing one tore me up. We lost Prince and George Michael. I shouldn’t see people I listened to as a teen dying, it’s just horrific and scary.
On a positive note I went out today. I went to Sam’s and Hobby Lobby and was supposed to go to my shrinks but she was sick and had to cancel. I made it through Christmas Eve and Christmas without drinking or smoking weed. I Did It! Man I’m glad that part is over though.
My father in law is still here. He leaves on the 30th. Tomorrow my mother in law comes over and Thursday, the whole damn family will be here for my sister’s in law birthday. I love her and would do anything for her. It’s a lot of stimulation though. Too much by the time things wind down.
I’m ready for this year to be over… Course the next four years are likely to be a nightmare too but for a completely different reason..
Today I got all my Christmas wrapping done. Which means I also got all my Christmas shopping done.. Thank you Amazon!
I didn’t accomplish much else but one thing a day right.
Yesterday I went out to the grocery store and tomorrow I am going to my sister in laws for my nephews birthday. The holiday season has begun!
Anxiety be damned…
I almost dread the good days because I know they don’t last very long.
Yesterday I was in a good mood, I actually got some shit done around the house. I cleaned laundry, picked up some around the house and then spent the day watching Glimore girls and the occasional Boss Ross video.
Today I woke up and feel overwhelmed. I know I have things I need to get done for Christmas and for my father in law’s visit. He will be here in 5 days!
The house isn’t in that bad of shape I suppose. Mostly it’s little things. However it is the little things that make my brain overload and want to shut down.
At least I wrote my blog today.
Yesterday I had a wonderful day. I was happy! Yep that’s right HAPPY!. I forgot what that felt like.
Today I had a hard time getting out of bed though. I lay there for 3 hours just riddled with anxiety over nothing.
I think this new med is helping. I think I’m gonna need more meds. I don’t think the rexulti is going to do it all on it’s own. They even advertise it as something to help with antidepressants. So I wonder what my shrink will try to do.
Still feeling hopeful though.
It feels like I never am not anxious anymore even taking my 3 mg of xanax a day.
Tonight everyone is here for family dinner night and we are having what you should consider a nice visit but man I am thrumming.
I’m glad I’ll be able to get high tonight and finally not be able to focus!
Anyhow back to the family.
Today is the birthday of my BFF. She’s been dead for over a year so when her birthday comes up it hurts a lot. I miss her so much. She really knew how to motivate me.
MY visit with my mom is going OK even though I feel like I am coming down with a cold or something.
Saturday we are having a paint and wine night. That should be fun 🙂
Still taking my new meds even though the insurance company denied my prescription I will have to rely on samples I guess until we switch insurance companies at the top of the year.
Well that’s it, nothing exciting.
Forgot to mention I am non-stop anxious. Fun fun.
Went and got my hopes up again yesterday. I woke up feeling just as crappy today as I have every other day but with less stress. I should feel happy about that at least but nope. I’m fucking miserable.
M I S E R A B L E
I Did it!!!! I made it through both days without anything horrible happening. I’m so glad that is over with. I even went out to lunch with hubby after like a normal person. I will finally be able to relax and not have to worry about anything for a while. They even updated my permanent resident card so I have a valid ID until my new one comes in.
I’m very thankful right now. For the people in my life. The wonderful readers who read my blog and just for being generally healthy.
It’s a nice change from sad and angry and stressed. I think that I will just enjoy the rest of the day without worrying about anything else.