anxiety

Day 5

Today is the last day I will be taking the 2mg of Rexulti, tomorrow I start on the 1mg. I’ve had that almost headache feeling still but no more anxiety than normal. Nothing I can’t handle honestly. I mean I don’t really get all that anxious anymore unless I have to leave the house. Which is something I need to work on, but like I said the whole flu thing is keeping me inside and away from people for now. I really don’t want it.

In a few days I will have weed in the house again, I’m looking forward to that nice mellow buzz and am hoping it won’t change the way my antidepressants are working.  I don’t have a choice of what kind to get as pickings are slim.  I’m going to try and not be stoned every single day though. I think that will make a huge difference. I need to be alert to look after the puppy.

Speaking of the puppy, have I mentioned how thrilled I am that she is pad trained already. It’s been too cold outside for a little 3 pound pup.  She has left some bruises on me with her teething though, thankfully she is getting less nippy.

Well that’s it for today, back to Criminal Minds.

 

Day 2

I woke up a little pissy but it was because I only slept 2 hours at a time last night concerned the puppy was going to pee on the bed. She is pretty much pad trained but hasn’t learned that the bed is not the place to pee and she has peed on two different comforters, still way better than her sister Lilly who just pees wherever she wants.  I bought this little faux grass thing that sits beside the door and she uses it a lot too. I’m so impressed with how smart she is.

Later in the day my mood improved and so far I am not feeling any side effects from the withdrawal except maybe a little more anxiety. I can handle it though, I’ve had anxiety since I gave birth and that was about 32 years ago.  Have a mentioned I have a gorgeous grandson that is not quite two yet? Anyhow that is off topic. I have always had anxiety attacks about breathing. Which when your nose is plugged from allergies is even worse. Like I said I can handle it though, I am stronger than my anxiety.

Now if I could just get out of the house more but honestly I am terrified of the flu. It’s so bad this year and my immune system is not that great since I am rarely exposed to other people. I’ve been lucky so far and I’d like to keep it that way. So I’ll avoid going out for now. I do have to see my shrink on the 5th of February but what are you going to do right?

Anyhow that’s it for today.

 

Since I’m Having a Good Day

I think I’ll post! Sorry it has been a while but I have been seriously so depressed I was happy if I showered once every two weeks! I’ve had no motivation. Honestly I say it is partially genuine feelings and this new weed I got. Both make me want to do more.

I did go to Applebee’s during a slow time for lunch last week. Slowly getting at doing more.

I’ve been playing my computer games but still haven’t painted. I can feel it coming though the painting will happen sometime I just have to patiently wait for my brain to allow it.

My anxiety has sucked a lot lately.  My brain just always goes to a negative place for every single thought that I have. I don’t know what to do about it except give my head a shake and go on to the next thought and hope it is better.

Anyhow nothing really has happened besides the Applebee’s thing. My life is not real exciting right now. My days are spent stoned and dozing in the recliner listening to music. It makes me feel relaxed and shuts that voice up for a little while. So I always end up doing it every day. Though the night before I always claim will be a weed free day but it doesn’t end up that way.  oh well.

A New Post

This and the last post are closer than I’ve been in a long while. The wellbutrin has me motivated I suppose. I’m not unhappy. Still terrified of everything. It seems like all I can do is think of the worst scenario for anything. My brain never goes to the positive side.

I did walk to the mail box by myself today though. So that’s a huge accomplishment, specially when I have the flu. I did think a lot of negative things on the way there. Often times if keeps me from going though and this time it did not. This gives me some hope for myself and freedom from this prison I’ve created for myself.  Tonight’s also the first time I’ve been high in a week. Which was a choice not because I ran out! I’m getting better at being recreational.

Anyhow I think that’s all I wanted to say.

 

Death

Hi guys it’s been a while since I’ve written.

Lately all I can do is think about death.  I’m afraid of so many things. Trump starting world war 3, getting older and being more at risk for illnesses. I’m terrified. There doesn’t seem to be anything I can do or think about that makes me feel any better either.  I suppose it’s a good thing that I am afraid of death, I at least won’t be killing myself. Even with the almost constant depression.

I thought maybe writing about it might help, but it’s not.

I also have the damn flu which is giving me anxiety. I swear if it wasn’t for Xanax I would fall apart completely.

fuck…

 

What a Horrible Year

We’ve lost Carrie Fisher. An advocate for mental health and a remarkable woman.  I cried. I’m not a Star Wars fan but we have so few people who stand up for mental health awareness, losing one tore me up. We lost Prince and George Michael. I shouldn’t see people I listened to as a teen dying, it’s just horrific and scary.

On a positive note I went out today. I went to Sam’s and Hobby Lobby and was supposed to go to my shrinks but she was sick and had to cancel.  I made it through Christmas Eve and Christmas without drinking or smoking weed.  I Did It! Man I’m glad that part is over though.

My father in law is still here. He leaves on the 30th. Tomorrow my mother in law comes over and Thursday, the whole damn family will be here for my sister’s in law birthday. I love her and would do anything for her. It’s a lot of stimulation though. Too much by the time things wind down.

I’m ready for this year to be over… Course the next four years are likely to be a nightmare too but for a completely different reason..

sigh

 

Accomplishments

Today I got all my Christmas wrapping done.  Which means I also got all my Christmas shopping done.. Thank you Amazon!

I didn’t accomplish much else but one thing a day right.

Yesterday I went out to the grocery store and tomorrow I am going to my sister in laws for my nephews birthday. The holiday season has begun!

Anxiety be damned…

 

Don’t You Hate It

I almost dread the good days because I know they don’t last very long.

Yesterday I was in a good mood, I actually got some shit done around the house. I cleaned laundry, picked up some around the house and then spent the day watching Glimore girls and the occasional Boss Ross video.

Today I woke up and feel overwhelmed.  I know I have things I need to get done for Christmas and for my father in law’s visit. He will be here in 5 days!

The house isn’t in that bad of shape I suppose. Mostly it’s little things. However it is the little things that make my brain overload and want to shut down.

At least I wrote my blog today.

 

Weirdness

Yesterday I had a wonderful day. I was happy! Yep that’s right HAPPY!. I forgot what that felt like.

Today I had a hard time getting out of bed though. I lay there for 3 hours just riddled with anxiety over nothing.

I think this new med is helping. I think I’m gonna need more meds. I don’t think the rexulti is going to do it all on it’s own. They even advertise it as something to help with antidepressants. So I wonder what my shrink will try to do.

Still feeling hopeful though.

 

So Stressed

It feels like I never am not anxious anymore even taking my 3 mg of xanax a day.

Tonight everyone is here for family dinner night and we are having what you should consider a nice visit but man I am thrumming.

I’m glad I’ll be able to get high tonight and finally not be able to focus!

Anyhow back to the family.