Month: March 2014

I’m So Pissed Off!!!!

Everything is making me so damn angry. I want to punch walls and scream at the top of my lungs. were it permissible for me to do either of those things I think that would feel great. Since I can’t though I am just sitting her letting it build and boil while I think about all the things going on in my life.

My house is a huge fucking mess, it is so overwhelming that I don’t even know where to start. I still at this moment do not know for sure if we are going back to Omaha. I still feel like shit.. I can not find anything to distract me from the anger I am feeling. I hate this, I know I am also feeling very impulsive which is why I have just been sitting in one place not moving.

I feel almost hateful about my life. I want to hiss and spit and kick and punch. I so wish I had one of those punching dummies.  Something I put on the list I suppose. For now I just have to sit here and smolder, trying to think of something positive, all the while also not feeling like I’m inside myself. It scares me when I am like this. I haven’t done anything for a long time while I am like this.

Actually feeling all these things together hasn’t happened in a long time. Tears are starting to form in my eyes and I’m afraid if I start crying I will never stop, ever..

I know I’m stressed out about the moving back to Omaha, I am so tired of other people being in charge of my future, I have no control over anything. I can’t even control the way I feel. It is so damn frustrating. I feel bitter bile filled hatred for the company my husband works for. I have only hated people this much one or twice before and that was because they abused me in one way or another.

I just want to go home. I don’t want to be here anymore. I hate it. The sunny weather and the allergens all times of the year, the skinny assed snotty people. No yard, no place to garden. No place to go. No sitting in my backyard without being viewed on by 20 other fricken apartments. I hate it.

I just want to be home, it’s bad enough I have to wait to go, I would honestly just leave everything here and not look back if it wasn’t for my husband and dogs. More things holding me back.. Love, always holding me back..

How long until I finally just break? How much can a person take before they go completely off the wall bat shit crazy? Am I already there? I feel destructive..



We all have things we crave, foods, habits, attention from people etc..

I have probably 2 of the most common cravings and that is for something sweet and something salty. I always seem to need both at the same time and I have yet to find the perfect blissful combo to quickly satisfy my needs.

Eating things is just not that enjoyable for me anyhow but I get those cravings and suddenly I have inhaled whatever it is within minutes. You would think I was eating to keep someone from stealing my food. No idea where this comes from.

Today I just want sugar, but I am working really hard to give it up. I have the worst headache though and I feel like it will get rid of it but then I will be fighting it again in a few days.. Actually this is turning into a migraine.. gonna have to cut the blog short.. ouchies

1 AM But I’m Not Late

I promised myself that I would write my blog everyday, I think the day isn’t really over until you fall asleep.. So I might have almost forgotten. I would have been so pissed at myself if I had of though. This is the longest I have done anything besides being married.

We drove the the Angeles Forest.. Guess what not really much of a forest. Just a lot of totally terrifying roads and drop off. Beautiful mountain views if you can stop white knuckling the door handle long enough to look.

I was kind of pissed though. I wanted to walk amongst the trees. I even wore a hat in case of things falling from the skies.. You know what fell from the sky? Disappointment! Least I got to go on a 3 hour drive to see old burnt up trees!

At least I didn’t stay home all day which is a big improvement right?

So *high five me* woot..

Better Than Yesterday

My mood is better than it was yesterday that is for sure.  I was even socializing in my game, making jokes. Definite improvement.

I have some horrible insomnia again but that’s okay. I sleep so much when I am depressed that I miss out on life and what is going on.

Tonight we had an earthquake in SoCal and it made our apt shake for about 10 mins, it was rather exciting and scary. I had a little bit of a panic attack because of it but didn’t take any meds, just breathed my way though it. I was pretty proud of myself for that. It’s amazing how much I freak out when I don’t have pills, yet some how much calmer I am when I know they are there just in case.

I think if I am up to it I will convince hubby to take me up to the forest. I think the dogs should be fine by themselves for a little while as I want to see a few things before I leave Cali for good. (or until we win the lottery and can afford to live here)

Speaking of which, hubby talked to his boss and apparently we will have the full details on Monday. We’ll see I am not going to hold my breath on this. I mean they need my husband to do his magic so I assume they are going to let us do what we want. We’ll see though. It’s so stressful for me to not be knowing what we are doing. Most would say the worst that could happen is things don’t change. I need a house though. I am so tired of apartment living.  I am sure some of you can relate. I never feel like I am stable or can put down roots, which seems to be so important to our mental health. Stability, yes that would be nice.

Til tomorrow.


On The Precipice

I feel like I am standing on a precipice. Just hanging on the edge with a couple of fingers wrapped around the root of happiness trying to hold on for just a few more days or even hours.

I’m right on the edge of being angry, happy and anxiously sad. I hate the way this feels. I had honestly thought the up would last so much longer. It seems like every time I cycle the happy lasts for a shorter and shorter amounts of time.

I was putting the dishes away and I like to wash all my chefs knives in the dishwasher. One of the knives grazed my wrist I was placing the rack and I realized I wouldn’t be incredibly sad if it had sliced me open. I won’t tell my husband that though. He worries enough about me as it is and it wasn’t like I was considering killing myself I just didn’t care if it happened.


Today I Feel

Today I have feelings, I am not over happy or super depressed. I am however super moody. I laugh, cry or get pissed at the drop of a hat. I hate that, usually because I am so sensitive to things that are going on around me.

I talked to my daughter today on the phone. She is having a really hard time. There was a boy whom she loved very much, he used her and kept her by promising her he just needed time to figure things out. Meanwhile he kept having other relationships and coming to her for booty calls. She’s had a lot of problems, she suffers from depression, (had) given up drugs, lost my grand-daughter. I’m okay with that happening. She got adopted by a great family from what I heard. I never met her face to face but that is probably best for my heart.

I found out today that he is still attempting to ‘get with’ her and that she has started with the drugs again. I also found out that he had laid his hands on her. I have never wished that I some kind of super power to blow his dick right off.. I am so furious. I can’t do anything but be her sounding board and give her advice, but I so wish I was there to support her. She is going to a therapist tomorrow though to see about going into rehab. I know that it is not easy for her to even admit that she makes these mistakes. So I am proud of her. I am sure a lot of people would just think she just needs to get over this guy. I know that it’s not that easy.

On top of that my daughter saw my father this past week. I haven’t spoken to him in quite some time and honestly after hearing the things he said to her I am glad. What kind of man talks about his erectile dysfunction to their grandchild? No wonder no one has anything to do with him anymore.

I don’t have a belief system, so if someone who has one could say a prayer for her I would greatly appreciate it. Anything can help at this point really.

Something Wonderful Happened In My Bed!

No it’s not what you think you dirty minded people! LOL

The chemicals in my brain shifted, my world slightly tilted and when I woke up something strange had happened.

I was HAPPY! I know due to my recent almost 2 months of depressions (with slight 1 day breaks) it shocked me. I searched my mind in all the dark corners and came up with nothing to worry about, nothing to stress about. I almost forgot how good happy feels, I mean I always wish for it and romanticize it in my mind but when it finally happens it’s like the clouds open to reveal sunlight. The birds are constantly singing. I feel like a Disney character.

I do have the issue of what normally happens with my happiness. (Let’s be honest it’s hypomania). I even know that it won’t last long but as long as I am feeling it I am going to enjoy it. Now if my brain would just slow down long enough for me to pick something to do that would be amazing. If my mouth could slow down just a little when I talk, that would be awesome. I mean hubby can almost follow me when I am like this, thank goodness!

This is the most wonderful feeling in the world. I want to sing, I want to dance, I want to do too many things and I don’t really care. It’s the not caring that should worry me but at the moment I again don’t really care.

I’ve been laughing and humming and playing games and cooking and taking care of things. It just feels amazing to feel so damned good. I even like the way I look today, my hair seems perfectly tussled and my clothes looking great.. (This is how I know I am hypomanic) I want to go out in sexy clothes and have people look at me (in a good way).. That won’t happen though, hubby has an issue with my showing off my goods but you know what I am ok with it!

I think I might work on my writing at least while I can, and reading and oh my god I am soo excited.. Crazy excited and I love it!!! Sure makes the last couple of days where I was a complete bitch seem like a year ago.

*twirls with birds landing on my shoulder as I sing and dance about how wonderful things are*


It’s The Heart

My mood is super bitchy but I need to post so…

It’s The Heart

It’s the heart that makes us blunder,

It’s the heart that makes us wonder.

It’s the heart that makes us put up a fight,

It’s the heart that helps us sleep at night.

It’s the heart that brings us all our fear,

It’s the heart that keeps close what we hold dear.

The heart is in everything we do,

How does your heart control you?


Not too bad for a 3 minute poem, meh


I Don’t Like Mondays

I thought this very thought today, mid afternoon on a Sunday. Reminded me of the song from the 80’s. The only thing in common though is the hate of Mondays.

I get two full days a week with my husband and then the week starts all over again. Instead of enjoying the rest of our Sunday I started getting bummed out about the fact I would go for a full week sitting alone in the apartment, bored out of my head, likely still feeling crappy.

I tend to always be looking far along the line instead of just enjoying the moment. What a horrible way to spend ones life. I know this but yet I still can’t stop myself from doing it.

I remember when I was un-medicated and could often just go with the flow and be spontaneous. Course this also used to get me in a lot of trouble. I wish there could be an in between that would work for me.

I’ve have already been stressed since Weds. Hubby told me in the morning that the bosses had ok’d the Omaha move and then later when he came home said he had something to tell me he didn’t want me to worry about. The bosses wanted to contact him Monday with the specifics/details. I hate the company he works for and don’t trust them as far as I can spit. So I’ve been worried that they are going to find some way to screw him/thus me around.

I went from being excited to twitchy and tight. I feel like I’ve been working out.

I know that even if we do go back to Omaha I will be worried about something happening to one of us before then. Omaha has been the closest place I ever felt like was a home to me.. I don’t know why. I think it is probably because it’s the longest I stayed in one place. I keep having horrible things popping into my head.. The damn What If’s might literally be the figurative death of me.

So ya that’ll be my Monday, no damned fun.. Hopefully the specifics are good.

I Feel Like An Addict

I finally got my clonazepam and it feels wonderful to not have to worry about not having to worry.. Weird right.  Maybe now I can finally go to the doctor and see what is going on with me since I am pretty sure at this point it is not depression. I have a large swollen area around my spine on my sorta lower back. I am starting to wonder if it might be my kidneys with everything else that is going on.

Hopefully I will be able to start going out again. I was considering not going to the new shrink and staying with this one, even though she makes hubby furious. He thinks that she treats me poorly and doesn’t care about me. I suppose it is true, every time she returned a call she always spoke of money first, then whatever I needed.

I at least don’t have to worry about my clonazepam for a month gives me a few days to sit and think more rationally.  I am torn, stick with what I know and get subpar treatment or move forward and try the new doctors knowing I am leaving in July. Which now hubby tells me is not as positive as I thought it was, he is getting details on Monday.  I actually want to go back so I hope there is no issue. I need to buy a home and settle and be calm.

Staying in this apartment causes me nothing but stress. The constant construction, the inability to just walk out my front or back door into the great outdoors.. I hate it. We can’t afford to buy here unless it is in a bad area, so I wouldn’t want to do those things there anyhow.. Sigh..

Anyhow I’ve bored ya long enough. Though tonight I watched Frozen and if you haven’t seen it, it was absolutely wonderful. Even made me a little teary.. I both love and hate Disney.. Belle she is my girl though. That movie makes me cry each and every time. I even collect Belle things, I have a ceramic table with the rose, I never take it out of the box though because of earthquakes here, pez dispenser, a ring and much more. I feel like a little girl when I find a new Belle thing!

I do ramble as usual