I have had a lot of bottom problems and vomiting and the inability to want to eat anything. If I smoke weed I can eat. However this is yet another weedless day.
I’ve been avoiding it, hoping it would fix itself but now I’ve actually made the Dr’s appt to get checked out on Monday. I likely won’t learn anything then but getting the ball rolling is what I need to do.
I may be terrified of people but I’m more terrified of dying and for a depressed person to say that means I still got some fight..
Several years ago I had a large precancerous mole on my back, it left a rather horrible scar but instilled the fear in me that I needed to check my body monthly for more of these little buggers.
As mentioned yesterday my husband found a couple of moles during our monthly search and today I decided to see a doctor as opposed to my therapist. Turns out I likely have a smaller version of one of those same moles. Lovely.
I go to the dermatologist at 7:30am next Friday to likely have it removed. I was assured it’s not melanoma so that is good at least. I am upset, when I should be somewhat relieved. Not dealing with this all that well.
The depression is definitely not helping at all. It’s just making it so I am unable to find happiness in much of anything and have little to no strength to pick my ass off the couch and do anything anyhow.
Screw you depression!!! I painted a little today and watched a cheesy movie.. I win for today.
Today was boring, I did some cleaning, I did some laundry, I watched probably 10 episodes of pretty little liars and thought about nothing. It was nice! Wasn’t overly emotional. Not weepy, not sad, not anxious or mad.. Just kind of chill.
I started having a little anxiety after mom in law told me what time our hair appointment is on Thursday. It’ll be shrink, therapist, hair salon, busy day.. I’ll just chill tomorro and finish off pretty little liars season 4 and season 3 of revenge.. Ya, I like it.
I’ve never allowed myself to feel empowered. I’ve always sat by fearful of letting my thoughts or feelings known in case I was judged as crazy.
I’m taking control of my mental health and what goes into my body, I will feel empowered. I may not be able to be drug free in fact to be honest I am 80% sure I will need to go back to medications. That’s alright. For now I am going to let my body cleanse itself of the poisons that have been forced into it by each uncaring doctor that treated me like I am nothing but a number.
I am a number, number one. I’m not a faceless patient who can spoken to about generalized mental health care while not receiving the help that I really need. I will no longer sit there afraid about changes that are going on with my physically and mentally while doctors only have fifteen minutes once a month to fit me in. Screw that.
I’m taking my mental health care into my own hands. I am going to do what I think is right. It is my body and mind. I will find someone who will listen to me and work with me instead of trying to talk me into doing things I am uncomfortable with.
That’s not to say I won’t have break downs, but they will be mine. Not caused because I did something I didn’t feel comfortable doing. I will survive and fight all my issues one day at a time.
I have no idea what time I woke up but I slept for a few hours. I decided that I was going to go the doctors even if it made me super anxious. I had questions and insecurities to deal with.
I forgot to eat before we left so my stomach was understandably churning and I kept telling myself that was why I was nauseated. One of the things about my social anxiety is fears of throwing up in front of people. You can say the doctor is the best place to throw up but for me that just doesn’t click. Anyhow I was only in the waiting room for about 5 minutes before I was taken to room. I was honestly surprised since I was a walk-in.
The nurse was not really that friendly though he was a bit of eye-candy. Would have been cuter if he was friendly. He did the whole blood pressure and temp thing which I was pleased was fairly normal. Then I waited for close to an hour for a doctor to come and see me.
I have hay fever. It’s making my eyes, ears, nose, throat and a couple other places messed up. So I guess I’ll be adding some over the counters to my daily regimen.
Anyhow that was pretty boring right..
*if you are under 18 don’t read below*
I have this thing that happens every so often and it is honestly really remarkable but I wanted to make sure that it didn’t mean something was wrong with me. This morning I woke up to an intense orgasm. *look ma no hands*. My body just did it to itself. I knew it happened to men but apparently it can happen to women too. This is the 4th time this has happened. I’m sharing because well do I not share what’s going on with my day. Also it started my day off in a good mood for a change. Not sure if it will last but I can say what a nice way for it to start LOL.
I was up until at least 6:00am hubby stayed up with me while we started watching Arrow.. Good show so far. He got pissed at me though cause every five minutes I would ask him to scratch my back. I’m itchy. Not so bad right now but I am trying to learn to moisturize and maybe wear sun screen since I already have a horrible scar on my back from skin cancer.. I’ll show it sometime.. anyhow.. ya that was my long ass day.
I finally got my clonazepam and it feels wonderful to not have to worry about not having to worry.. Weird right. Maybe now I can finally go to the doctor and see what is going on with me since I am pretty sure at this point it is not depression. I have a large swollen area around my spine on my sorta lower back. I am starting to wonder if it might be my kidneys with everything else that is going on.
Hopefully I will be able to start going out again. I was considering not going to the new shrink and staying with this one, even though she makes hubby furious. He thinks that she treats me poorly and doesn’t care about me. I suppose it is true, every time she returned a call she always spoke of money first, then whatever I needed.
I at least don’t have to worry about my clonazepam for a month gives me a few days to sit and think more rationally. I am torn, stick with what I know and get subpar treatment or move forward and try the new doctors knowing I am leaving in July. Which now hubby tells me is not as positive as I thought it was, he is getting details on Monday. I actually want to go back so I hope there is no issue. I need to buy a home and settle and be calm.
Staying in this apartment causes me nothing but stress. The constant construction, the inability to just walk out my front or back door into the great outdoors.. I hate it. We can’t afford to buy here unless it is in a bad area, so I wouldn’t want to do those things there anyhow.. Sigh..
Anyhow I’ve bored ya long enough. Though tonight I watched Frozen and if you haven’t seen it, it was absolutely wonderful. Even made me a little teary.. I both love and hate Disney.. Belle she is my girl though. That movie makes me cry each and every time. I even collect Belle things, I have a ceramic table with the rose, I never take it out of the box though because of earthquakes here, pez dispenser, a ring and much more. I feel like a little girl when I find a new Belle thing!
Mood: Good, been a few little saddish moments but mostly good. Having trouble sleeping again!
Not a fan of birthdays but today was actually pretty nice. I had banners and balloons and cake, Plus Pressies which I love!!
I don’t normally celebrate birthdays in a normal fashion, actually I am usually just miserable.. Once again I have no idea why I just think it is one of those triggers.
Tomorrow I go to the doctors to hopefully get that referral. I’m nervous and excited.
Hubby and I talked some more about moving back to Nebraska, it really seems like a good idea right now. I hate to give up the gorgeous weather but I just think it would be awesome. I am hoping we know something by the time we go to Las Vegas in April, so we can hopefully give his mom the news of us coming back. I think that would make her day, on top of the wedding that is.
My poor yorkie is still feeling terrible, Poor girl. I love her to pieces and hate to see her feeling poorly. They are going to a dog hotel while we are gone, little buggers are getting better rooms than us! LOL They deserve it though.
Well thatis it for today I will let you know how things go with the doctor, I doubt it will be very eventful. Hopefully I can get hubby to take me to the forest afterwards!