The Depression Is Back And It’s Pissed

I am trying really hard to fight it but it just floods all the parts of my brain and body. I feel so exhausted and I ache everywhere. It feels like it has made my allergies worse. I don’t know if that is possible.

I didn’t fall asleep until 6 then I slept until almost 2:30. What a way to waste the day. Course it is not like I go out by myself anyhow. That will change with time I suppose.

I’ve been on the 600mgs of lithium for two days now and it hasn’t really done anything but made my stomach hurt.  I hate that feel like a rock hard spikey little ball just laying in my tummy.

Speaking of tummy, I am eating emotionally again. My main form of self harm is eating crap and not stopping even when I get full. I don’t know why I do it. Last night I wasn’t hungry but just kept getting up and getting cookies and eating and eating and feeling bad about eating them and grabbing more. I need to get a fucking grip. I hate myself right now..

 

12 comments

  1. Well, I love you KitKat. Face full of cookies, or not. Go easy on yourself. You’ve got a lot going on right now. Just be proud of your successes. If you can’t think of any, I will gladly point them out for you.

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  2. Sorry you’re struggling a bit at the moment. I consider myself to be doing fairly well at the moment but I’m still sleeping during the day and eating a whole ton of junk food. So maybe I’m not doing as well as I think!

    With regards to the lithium don’t be surprised if you don’t notice any positive effects for a few weeks, I know these things can take a while to kick in. Hopefully your stomach aches will get better once your body gets used to the medication.

    Take care 🙂

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    1. Thank you. It started to leave before I had to up the dose so I am sure it will. I’m impatient but if it works I get to kick myself in the ass for not doing it in the first place 13 years ago.

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  3. I totally relate to every word and hope with all my heart that you feel lots better soon. You are in my prayers! p.s. I take 900 mg lithium a night and it took some time to help but it actually did. The tummy side effects disappeared. Hope the same thing happens for you!

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      1. Hi again.! My psychiatrist is not gung-ho on frequent blood tests like others are – I only do mine every few months. I’ve heard of weekly testing, etc. , esp. at the beginning of using it which makes sense. I’m within the safe, therapeutic level – I’m spacing right now on where I’m at, but I’m in the middle of the range. I hope SO SO SO much that lithium helps you. I’ve tried over 20 meds and had two rounds of ECT and it has been a nightmare, to say the very least. I now take lithium in combination with a MAOI (an “old-school” antidepressant that is used with people/ with bipolar who are medication-resistant ) called Parnate, and I take some Seroquel at night. My psychiatrist told me about Parnate last fall. That, combined with lithium, is what really made a difference for me. MAOI’s have some food and alcohol restrictions which is why a lot of docs avoid using it, but it worked for me when everything else failed. I did locate two studies done in the 1970’s that showed that lithium combined with an MAOI worked very, very well to lift bipolar depression! I don’t mean to overwhelm you with this info. (please forgive me) – I just wanted you to know about it. Feel free to ask me any questions, any time. thinking of you! hoping your day is going better….Dyane

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      2. Thank you Dyane. They suggested an MAOI to me but with all the food restrictions I was too afraid to try. Do you think it is worth it? How do you eat? Have you had any negative side effects?

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      3. It is TOTALLY worth it The food restrictions are not the end of the world. Sure, I miss soy sauce, soy products, aged cheese and cured meats a lot (the biggies – there are some others but those are the main ones) but I was deeply, deeply depressed and this med lifted it.

        I was also an alcoholic and that’s a big no no w/MAOI’s- so I gave up booze cold turkey. Again, worth it. I just thank God I can still have coffee and chocolate….I eat plenty, I love food (too much as I’ve implied here before) I’ve been really careful in abiding the food rules, and so far I haven’t had any side effects. I cannot tell you how grateful I am for this med. You could always try it out, right? And the fact you are already taking lithium is a good thing. Of course I’m not a doctor and don’t mean to pretend I’m one! (perish the thought…) anyway, again, ask away! I admire your tenacity and I want you to feel better.

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  4. I do get cravings; nearly ruined an afternoon w/ a friend over an unobtainable bag of whatever candy I HAD to have at that moment. Most recently I spent a week stress-eating Birthday Cake Oreos. Ugh. But at least it took me the week! Progress! However it was oreos and peanut butter for every meal that week, LOL. I try not to keep junk food in the house, and only eat dessert & junky snacks when I’m out. I used to keep mini-cups of ice cream, bc it was immediately satisfying, and for me not worth the effort of repeating the process to eat six in a row. Also, I couldn’t eat it unaware of my portion. I TRY to keep less detrimental snacks around now (fruit, stove-pop popcorn, tortillas/pretzels and dips), things I like in case I just want SOMETHING and might end up eating without thinking. I have an amazing time creating my own popcorn toppings. We do what we can, and use the experiences that don’t kill us as ammunition for the next round.

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