The Depression Is Back And It’s Pissed

I am trying really hard to fight it but it just floods all the parts of my brain and body. I feel so exhausted and I ache everywhere. It feels like it has made my allergies worse. I don’t know if that is possible.

I didn’t fall asleep until 6 then I slept until almost 2:30. What a way to waste the day. Course it is not like I go out by myself anyhow. That will change with time I suppose.

I’ve been on the 600mgs of lithium for two days now and it hasn’t really done anything but made my stomach hurt.  I hate that feel like a rock hard spikey little ball just laying in my tummy.

Speaking of tummy, I am eating emotionally again. My main form of self harm is eating crap and not stopping even when I get full. I don’t know why I do it. Last night I wasn’t hungry but just kept getting up and getting cookies and eating and eating and feeling bad about eating them and grabbing more. I need to get a fucking grip. I hate myself right now..



  1. Well, I love you KitKat. Face full of cookies, or not. Go easy on yourself. You’ve got a lot going on right now. Just be proud of your successes. If you can’t think of any, I will gladly point them out for you.


  2. Sorry you’re struggling a bit at the moment. I consider myself to be doing fairly well at the moment but I’m still sleeping during the day and eating a whole ton of junk food. So maybe I’m not doing as well as I think!

    With regards to the lithium don’t be surprised if you don’t notice any positive effects for a few weeks, I know these things can take a while to kick in. Hopefully your stomach aches will get better once your body gets used to the medication.

    Take care 🙂


    1. Thank you. It started to leave before I had to up the dose so I am sure it will. I’m impatient but if it works I get to kick myself in the ass for not doing it in the first place 13 years ago.


  3. I totally relate to every word and hope with all my heart that you feel lots better soon. You are in my prayers! p.s. I take 900 mg lithium a night and it took some time to help but it actually did. The tummy side effects disappeared. Hope the same thing happens for you!


      1. Hi again.! My psychiatrist is not gung-ho on frequent blood tests like others are – I only do mine every few months. I’ve heard of weekly testing, etc. , esp. at the beginning of using it which makes sense. I’m within the safe, therapeutic level – I’m spacing right now on where I’m at, but I’m in the middle of the range. I hope SO SO SO much that lithium helps you. I’ve tried over 20 meds and had two rounds of ECT and it has been a nightmare, to say the very least. I now take lithium in combination with a MAOI (an “old-school” antidepressant that is used with people/ with bipolar who are medication-resistant ) called Parnate, and I take some Seroquel at night. My psychiatrist told me about Parnate last fall. That, combined with lithium, is what really made a difference for me. MAOI’s have some food and alcohol restrictions which is why a lot of docs avoid using it, but it worked for me when everything else failed. I did locate two studies done in the 1970’s that showed that lithium combined with an MAOI worked very, very well to lift bipolar depression! I don’t mean to overwhelm you with this info. (please forgive me) – I just wanted you to know about it. Feel free to ask me any questions, any time. thinking of you! hoping your day is going better….Dyane


      2. Thank you Dyane. They suggested an MAOI to me but with all the food restrictions I was too afraid to try. Do you think it is worth it? How do you eat? Have you had any negative side effects?


      3. It is TOTALLY worth it The food restrictions are not the end of the world. Sure, I miss soy sauce, soy products, aged cheese and cured meats a lot (the biggies – there are some others but those are the main ones) but I was deeply, deeply depressed and this med lifted it.

        I was also an alcoholic and that’s a big no no w/MAOI’s- so I gave up booze cold turkey. Again, worth it. I just thank God I can still have coffee and chocolate….I eat plenty, I love food (too much as I’ve implied here before) I’ve been really careful in abiding the food rules, and so far I haven’t had any side effects. I cannot tell you how grateful I am for this med. You could always try it out, right? And the fact you are already taking lithium is a good thing. Of course I’m not a doctor and don’t mean to pretend I’m one! (perish the thought…) anyway, again, ask away! I admire your tenacity and I want you to feel better.


  4. I do get cravings; nearly ruined an afternoon w/ a friend over an unobtainable bag of whatever candy I HAD to have at that moment. Most recently I spent a week stress-eating Birthday Cake Oreos. Ugh. But at least it took me the week! Progress! However it was oreos and peanut butter for every meal that week, LOL. I try not to keep junk food in the house, and only eat dessert & junky snacks when I’m out. I used to keep mini-cups of ice cream, bc it was immediately satisfying, and for me not worth the effort of repeating the process to eat six in a row. Also, I couldn’t eat it unaware of my portion. I TRY to keep less detrimental snacks around now (fruit, stove-pop popcorn, tortillas/pretzels and dips), things I like in case I just want SOMETHING and might end up eating without thinking. I have an amazing time creating my own popcorn toppings. We do what we can, and use the experiences that don’t kill us as ammunition for the next round.


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