At around 3:30am Saturday morning my best friend lost her fight with cancer. It doesn’t feel real and when it does all I can do is cry. My head just keeps popping to things I would talk to her about and I know I won’t be able to ever again. Ever. Like that’s it, shows over. I will be alone.
I know that seems like a weird thing to say because I have a wonderful husband but she is the one that kept my shit on track and I never got mad at her once for saying how she really felt I was being, feeling, doing etc.
I now have 0 friends.
It hurts so much I can’t even describe it. Feels like someone is tearing at my soul. That’s the best I can do to try to explain.
I don’t know what I am supposed to do now.
I’m so lonely. I want to go out and do things and have fun. I’m tired of being in the house by myself all the time. I feel like I am going crazy.
I think trying to bury my head in weed over my friends impending death was a mistake. I’ve just spend every single day high and stagnant. Today I am not going to do that dammit.
Today I cried over watching someone doing something outside on TV. There is nothing to walk to here and I don’t drive though so I don’t know what to do.
How do I stop feeling so lonely?
I am wondering if my medications need to be adjusted down. I can’t seem to feel things as fully as I should.
I have lost my creativity. I have lost my emotions. I don’t like how this feels.
I am unable to grieve. I can’t cry. I got teary eyed the first few days but I haven’t actually been able to let go and just sob. I really need to. I can feel that at least.
I want to feel an interest in something. I want to feel joy at something. I want to feel grief. I want to feel.
I now understand why so many bipolars go off their meds. Lucky(?) for me the past depression has etched a scar that keeps me from doing that.
I wish Dani was here to talk to.
Do you think I should start posting daily again? I’m feeling torn on it. I miss it though a lot