having a wonderful day hanging out with my SIL, it’s wonderful and I don’t want to interrupt it so sorry this blog will be la suck for today.
Gotta grab the joy!
joy
Meds Working Too Good?
I am wondering if my medications need to be adjusted down. I can’t seem to feel things as fully as I should.
I have lost my creativity. I have lost my emotions. I don’t like how this feels.
I am unable to grieve. I can’t cry. I got teary eyed the first few days but I haven’t actually been able to let go and just sob. I really need to. I can feel that at least.
I want to feel an interest in something. I want to feel joy at something. I want to feel grief. I want to feel.
I now understand why so many bipolars go off their meds. Lucky(?) for me the past depression has etched a scar that keeps me from doing that.
I wish Dani was here to talk to.
Should Have Been Fine With OK
I hate my bipolar moods, they are always so annoying. Even the positive ones can be a pain in the ass sometimes. I’m not taking the lithium anymore, day 3 waking up grumpy. My shrink said to go down to half of 300 if it started affecting my mood but I think I’ll just go with the increasing of the Latuda plan.
Why I hate my moods
Right now I am post manic, which means everything is fucking miserable and I’m on the edge. I could seriously hurt someone or myself when I’m like this, even the smallest thing could cause me to fucking lose it. I wish someone could feel how painful everything is right now. Even my joy over the house is deadened and it just feel like more of a pain to wait. The joy has been sucked out of my life. Even sometimes I think death would be better than this. I fight though.
I was ok. Why I couldn’t I be satisfied with that? IT was sparkling or joyful but it didn’t hurt and I wasn’t having a ton of negative thoughts running through my head. When everything is ok at least life is tolerable.
When I was happy, I kept waiting for the bad moods to come. Instead of enjoying each moment. Instead of sucking in all the happy and going with the flow I just looked around every corner for the negative.
I look forward to my hypo-manic where everything is wonderful and there are rainbows and puppies. Nothing can get past my glorious armor of joy! I can write and I can draw and I sing and am happy and am funny and smart and pretty. These don’t happen often enough and I usually end up in a ton of trouble.
When I’m depressed it is almost impossible to get out of bed. I cry over everything and I don’t want to be alive anymore. I don’t want anything to do with anyone (except hubby). I don’t clean myself or brush my hair. I wear the same set of pj’s day in and day out. Everything is hopeless. These have been the longest lasting emotion but has been gone for a little bit.
I wonder what this post mania will turn into. Either way waking up tomorrow in any mood but this is preferable. I’ll take ok. I’ll try to be better to it this time.
Super Sick, Super Happy
My flu has gotten worse of all damn things, I’m giving up the lithium until this thing is gone. Haven’t had a bug like this in years. It’s causing me a lot of problems without having to worry about driing a ton of water then peeing constantly so I can sleep/rest to get well. I just feel that bad.
in good news though we found out we get to move to Omaha at the end of June so we will be back in time for dah dah dah…. Fourth of July! The gathering of people we know combined with good food and fireworks!!! Yayyyyyyy
Can you tell I’m excited? As soon as hubby told me I ordered boxes and bubble wrap and started gathering things very slowly.. Basically I got two loads of laundry done then fell asleep watching Frozen cause it exhausted the hell out of me, but I am thrilled.
I’m sure mom in law will be even more thrilled. When she read the card she literally screamed. Wish I had thought to record that. Anyhow that was my days, toodles
A Bipolars Reality 