I am feeling the urge to create. Usually I do this with painting or creating dimensions in Rift but my mind is completely blank!
My mood has been better lately, not the best today but still better than it has been in the past. I suppose my meds are working somewhat. That’s a good thing. However I am stuck in the worst possible rut and feel like saying meh every time I come up with a thought to do something. It’s annoying.
I thought maybe I could at least write but even now as I am writing the words are struggling to come out.
It’s really pissing me off.
I’m listening to music hoping it will help, it’s not doing much so far except I am enjoying some of my favorite songs so I guess that is something.
It’s so hard to describe how I am feeling, honestly I feel like I’m on the treadmill of life, it doesn’t go anywhere but at least I’m moving.
I suppose it is all better than being so depressed I can’t get out of bed and I should be grateful for the positive things that are going on in my life. I mean I’m blessed. I have a wonderful supportive husband, I got some great family and I have a gorgeous grandson that is almost a year old. Sadly I’ve never met him. I collect pictures and videos my daughter sends me though.
anyhow I apparently have nothing to write so I give up for now.
I still haven’t painted. I got all the things I need, I have instructional videos. Bob Ross has so many I can follow along with I’m just not motivated to do it and I’m also afraid of doing it. Pretty dumb huh? Oh well.
I don’t know why I decided to write today but I thought that I ought to check in and give a wassup. 😛
I haven’t been in the best of moods. Usually I have day after day of depression. Right now I am on 3mg of Rexulti and 300mg of Wellbutrin for my depression. I think I need something else in there but I’ll work that out on my next shrinks appt.
Oh and I dyed my hair dark pink. So that’s fun.
Anyhoo going to go now..
“I’m gonna get the fire started. Impossible for you to breathe.” (cascada – pyromania)
Yep those lyrics basically describe how my anxiety has been lately. It’s all calm then all of a sudden I’m getting a hot flash and an anxiety attack.
My mood has been fairly good though. My mind has been quick. These are good things.
So it’s definitely improving.
I’m not writing as often as I like but I’ve noticed that I’m just not motivated at all. I think it’s the weed. I shouldn’t have got more but I thought all I can do is make things better right?
Wrong. I do absolutely nothing.
The new meds have caused me to gain over 20 fucking pounds! After losing over 60 this is a real kick in the face.
I didn’t want to write my blog today, it’s been a day of lounging around napping and trying to make the time go faster so I’m not alone.
Yet here I am writing the blog, because hubby reminded me and then reminded me I would likely be unhappy if I didn’t.
Today was hard to tell where my mood level was. Not up though.
October was not that great to be honest. I was depressed most of the time and spent many, well every day stoned off my ass.
November I started to feel something different. Not quite full happiness but I was wanting to do somethings and be involved. I laughed often. I was also stoned off my ass every day.
Today I am sad. I have legit reasons to feel sad. I’m lonely. My mom left. You know legit shit like that. I hope the meds are working and this is just normal emotions, I’ve felt numb for so long it is hard to tell what is what.
I have way more reasons I should be happy and yet here I am, not happy. Also feeling guilty about not writing while my mom visited as much. I only get so little time with her though.
I’ve signed up for another year for my blog so I guess I’m going to be here for a awhile.
A sentence is a good start to having something to write. All I have is that sentence though.
I did some laundry yesterday but did nothing today but chill. I figure my mom will keep me busy over the next month after she gets here.
Chilling is OK. Sometimes you just have to smoke and relax and not worry about everything else going on. I’m still depressed really need to start the new meds.
I haven’t started my new pills yet. I am afraid.
I’ll start them eventually. I just need some time to be mostly drug free. Weed doesn’t count.
I’ll start Weds when mom gets here. I’ll be surrounded by a lot of love then.
Despite going on the weed while I go off my meds. I’m starting to feeling miserable again.
I have no motivation and my mom is going to be here in less than 2 weeks and I need to get the house in order. Ugh.
I wish that I felt better. I’m so afraid of going on a brand new pill. Blech.
So today I went to my shrinks and she changed my meds. I am going off the latuda, down to 40 mgs for four days, than 20 mgs for four days. Than I start taking rexulti. I don’t know if it is going to do any better and I’m super nervous, changing meds is always very scary .
I trust her though. So it’s going to be ok.
I made it through the first day. We had our meeting and signed some papers and I even went out for lunch afterwards. It wasn’t as big a deal as my brain made it at all. Does that mean that I am any less freaked out about tomorrow? Nope! My brain just doesn’t work that way.
I am gonna sleep for a week when this is all done. I had to nap today after two nights of crappy sleep and I fully expect that I won’t sleep well tonight either. I’m sore from being tense all the time.
Not sure on my mood, I honestly had two xanax and a clonezapam for breakfast so I’m feeling pretty mellow. Whatcha gonna do.