This is day one of going off the rexulti, well tapering off it. So far so good. I mean I am not expecting any side effects yet anyhow but you never know right?
My mood has been just kind of ok, I don’t think this has anything to do with meds I just think it’s where I am in my cycle. Seems like that’s what I have is cycles. Depressed, Okay, Good, Mad. I don’t get the mad one very often. I really am kind of mellow about everything. When I do get mad it’s for a good reason.
I can’t think of anything to write about today.
The puppy has discovered cords, so now I have to really keep an eye on her. Don’t want her getting electrocuted. I have to admit it’s a little frustrating. Plus man she can bite. I got bruises all over my hands, arms and even one on my neck. I keep stopping her and handing her a toy but it’s not working yet.
Today I am just okay,
Tomorrow’s another day.
Maybe I’ll be glad,
That wouldn’t be half bad!
Ya silly I know, but I felt like I should write something. Tata.
Today I have been mostly just Okay with the occasional spot of happiness. I like that. I think I would feel even better if I could get some decent sleep. I keep waking up constantly through the night and then having a problem falling back asleep.
I’ve always had a hard time with sleeping. I can nap pretty well but a full nights sleep doesn’t happen all that often. I think it has to do with my meds to be honest.
Last night was really weird because I woke up to go to the washroom and accidentally knocked over something with liquid in it on the back of the toilet and didn’t realize it happened. The dogs started barking and I heard this weird sound and hubby sprang out of bed to check the doors. I figured out where it was coming from but not what it was for a couple minutes. That definitely got the adrenaline going. Took a long while to go to sleep after that.
I did put away some things today which honestly getting anything done is a bloody miracle. I am writing my blog too, so my days feel like I am accomplishing something. I’m glad I decided to do this.
I hate it when I cycle down to depression. It’s not fair I don’t get the hypo mania anymore. I don’t get the mania mania either, which is a good thing. Feels like I’m not bipolar but just depressed now. I wonder if that can happen. I’ll have to talk to my shrink about it, but I don’t see her for another two weeks.
My husband thinks he has a way to get my rexulti approved, apparently some of the meds I have taken weren’t listed and also you have to show that the rexulti has been taken for a while and is working. It has been I know I’m going to be having ups and downs but I do want more ups then downs and it seemed like it was going that way. I hate the depression it makes me feel quite hopeless. I’m going to keep to my new years resolutions regardless though. I can’t let Dani down.
I can’t let myself down either. I got to keep trucking on.
Daily bog written.
I hate it that I feel like my pills are making a difference when today I feel like my world is collapsing. No reason for it but I sure feel like it’s been lasting forever. I hate that one day can drag me down so much. I did manage to cook breakfast and I am hoping like hell to have a shower today but I just feel like curling up and crying. There is only one problem, I haven’t been able to cry over anything in a couple of years it feel like. I could be slightly off, but I don’t know. A good cry would sure make me feel better I’m sure. Time to watch something that usually makes me cry. Maybe some animated Beauty and the Beast or maybe Iron Giant. I don’t know.. Maybe I should just run into the wall a bunch of times.
I hate the depression so much it just sucks the life out of me. If it wasn’t for my promise to Dani I don’t think that I would be even posting my blog.
So today I talked to my shrink and the insurance company denied my rexulti so we need to press forward and try to get it handled. I hope they do since the med actually helps! I am almost out of pills so my shrink gave me some samples and then I went out to lunch with hubby. I ate a good lowish carb meal and tried to interact somewhat with the waitress. Pretty good since I am feeling like crap and didn’t even want to go out. When hubby asked me originally I said no but then I remembered that I want to do the things Dani would have challenged me to do if she were still alive.
That’s about it for today!
The new insurance company is giving us a hassle about the Rexulti I take and to pay for it out of pocket would be 900 dollars a month. This mixture of meds that my doc has me on is finally working, I don’t want to have to change it. I’m so pissed off right now. I’m down to 3 pills and I’m waiting for my shrink to get back to me about samples or getting the meds approved. I hate waiting and especially when things are this close to being out. I don’t know what the withdrawal symptoms will be but I know just going off a med it a bad idea. We’ve all done it.
Other than that stress my mood is pretty good. I haven’t been smoking any weed and just living each day. I haven’t quit I just wanted to make sure that I am getting the most of of my medications. In Feb I’ll start smoking again and see if that effects how my mood is. If it turns out to be a bad thing I’ll just quit. I mean I managed to make it through the holidays without weed or alcohol so I imagine I can do anything if I put my mind to it. Though there is nothing like smoking some weed putting on the headphones and just chilling. I tried it without the weed and it was still good but I enjoy it more with.
Anyhow that’s it for today!
Well now it’s my second day of writing on my blog again. Finding stuff to talk about might be difficult but I am going to try.
My mood has improved over the last while. I think the mixture the doctor gave me is finally working. Though my insurance company is giving me grief about the rexulti so it should be interesting how I’m going to be continuing to take it, I hate to play full price or have to depend on samples. I hate it when things are out of my hands. I’ll know in the next few days.
Otherwise I’m excited to see what this year brings. Now if it wasn’t so damned cold. I don’t think I could get my hubby to go out let alone go out myself as I don’t have a winter jacket. Time to shop on amazon and get a coat I guess.
I’ll be back tomorrow.
Today I went to see my shrink and she increased my pristiq because it seems to be helping some. I’m getting a little more involved in things and am looking forward to doing more.
Did I mention I love my shrink. We have so much in common, it feels like visiting a friend. She explained to me while I am emotionally shut off from people right now. Apparently when you are in a depressive state for a long time you put up all sorts of walls and when you start coming out of that depression sometimes it is still hard to drop those walls and be vulnerable. I agree with her. I’ve blocked out feelings for so long, not even allowing myself to cry at a sad moment. Now it’s hard for me to laugh out loud or cry or any other emotion. I’m working on it though.
I’m glad I have such a good doctor. I’m thankful for her. Do you have a shrink or doctor you like a great deal?
Tonight I went to Target with my husband and walked around the whole store. I even asked someone for assistance. Not a big deal for most but for me it’s a huge one!
I haven’t been out really except for a few walks with my husband so this was a pretty big deal. I think no I know that I shocked him when I agreed to go.
My mood has been up and down and I’m still having a hard time finding things I enjoy doing but I’m going to keep trying.
I imagine that my shrink will be increasing my pristiq when I go see her and hopefully it will help.
One step at a time right?
I’m just sitting here listening to music, you know making myself feel good. Ya good. Isn’t that something? I even had a good dream last night and I never get those!
Maybe these meds are making more of a difference than I thought. Well it’s hard to tell from having one good day. I’m putting the eggs before the chicken but it will hopefully turn out to be a full day.
So I figured why not come on and post. I need to get my post count up it’s been appalling of late and hopefully it will make someone else feel good or hopeful. Who knows right? I don’t know what you who read my blog really get from it but I’m glad you read it.
For those curious about if I’ve given up the weed, I haven’t but it isn’t affecting anything that I see at present anyhow.