meds

A Good Start

Today I went to see my shrink and she increased my pristiq because it seems to be helping some. I’m getting a little more involved in things and am looking forward to doing more.

Did I mention I love my shrink. We have so much in common, it feels like visiting a friend. She explained to me while I am emotionally shut off from people right now. Apparently when you are in a depressive state for a long time you put up all sorts of walls and when you start coming out of that depression sometimes it is still hard to drop those walls and be vulnerable. I agree with her. I’ve blocked out feelings for so long, not even allowing myself to cry at a sad moment. Now it’s hard for me to laugh out loud or cry or any other emotion. I’m working on it though.

I’m glad I have such a good doctor. I’m thankful for her.  Do you have a shrink or doctor you like a great deal?

 

Tonight I Went To The Store

Tonight I went to Target with my husband and walked around the whole store.  I even asked someone for assistance.  Not a big deal for most but for me it’s a huge one!

I haven’t been out really except for a few walks with my husband so this was a pretty big deal.  I think no I know that I shocked him when I agreed to go.

My mood has been up and down and I’m still having a hard time finding things I enjoy doing but I’m going to keep trying.

I imagine that my shrink will be increasing my pristiq when I go see her and hopefully it will help.

One step at a time right?

 

I Find Myself At The Computer

I’m just sitting here listening to music, you know making myself feel good. Ya good. Isn’t that something? I even had a good dream last night and I never get those!

Maybe these meds are making more of a difference than I thought. Well it’s hard to tell from having one good day. I’m putting the eggs before the chicken but it will hopefully turn out to be a full day.

So I figured why not come on and post. I need to get my post count up it’s been appalling of late and hopefully it will make someone else feel good or hopeful. Who knows right? I don’t know what you who read my blog really get from it but I’m glad you read it.

For those curious about if I’ve given up the weed, I haven’t but it isn’t affecting anything that I see at present anyhow.

 

No Creativity

I am feeling the urge to create. Usually I do this with painting or creating dimensions in Rift but my mind is completely blank!

My mood has been better lately, not the best today but still better than it has been in the past. I suppose my meds are working somewhat. That’s a good thing. However I am stuck in the worst possible rut and feel like saying meh every time I come up with a thought to do something. It’s annoying.

I thought maybe I could at least write but even now as I am writing the words are struggling to come out.

It’s really pissing me off.

I’m listening to music hoping it will help, it’s not doing much so far except I am enjoying some of my favorite songs so I guess that is something.

It’s so hard to describe how I am feeling, honestly I feel like I’m on the treadmill of life, it doesn’t go anywhere but at least I’m moving.

I suppose it is all better than being so depressed I can’t get out of bed and I should be grateful for the positive things that are going on in my life. I mean I’m blessed. I have a wonderful supportive husband, I got some great family and I have a gorgeous grandson that is almost a year old. Sadly I’ve never met him. I collect pictures and videos my daughter sends me though.

anyhow I apparently have nothing to write so I give up for now.

Painting

I still haven’t painted. I got all the things I need, I have instructional videos. Bob Ross has so many I can follow along with I’m just not motivated to do it and I’m also afraid of doing it. Pretty dumb huh? Oh well.

I don’t know why I decided to write today but I thought that I ought to check in and give a wassup.  😛

I haven’t been in the best of moods. Usually I have day after day of depression. Right now I am on 3mg of Rexulti and 300mg of Wellbutrin for my depression. I think I need something else in there but I’ll work that out on my next shrinks appt.

Oh and I dyed my hair dark pink. So that’s fun.

Anyhoo going to go now..

 

Going Back And Forth

“I’m gonna get the fire started. Impossible for you to breathe.” (cascada – pyromania)

Yep those lyrics basically describe how my anxiety has been lately.  It’s all calm then all of a sudden I’m getting a hot flash and an anxiety attack.

My mood has been fairly good though. My mind has been quick. These are good things.

So it’s definitely improving.

I’m not writing as often as I like but I’ve noticed that I’m just not motivated at all. I think it’s the weed. I shouldn’t have got more but I thought all I can do is make things better right?

Wrong. I do absolutely nothing.

The new meds have caused me to gain over 20 fucking pounds! After losing over 60 this is a real kick in the face.

Better Late Than Never

I didn’t want to write my blog today, it’s been a day of lounging around napping and trying to make the time go faster so I’m not alone.

Yet here I am writing the blog, because hubby reminded me and then reminded me I would likely be unhappy if I didn’t.

Today was hard to tell where my mood level was. Not up though.

Wow I’ve Been Missing A Lot

October was not that great to be honest. I was depressed most of the time and spent many, well every day stoned off my ass.

November I started to feel something different. Not quite full happiness but I was wanting to do somethings and be involved. I laughed often. I was also stoned off my ass every day.

Today I am sad. I have legit reasons to feel sad. I’m lonely. My mom left. You know legit shit like that. I hope the meds are working and this is just normal emotions, I’ve felt numb for so long it is hard to tell what is what.

I have way more reasons I should be happy and yet here I am, not happy. Also feeling guilty about not writing while my mom visited as much. I only get so little time with her though.

I’ve signed up for another year for my blog so I guess I’m going to be here for a awhile.

 

A Sentence

A sentence is a good start to having something to write. All I have is that sentence though.

I did some laundry yesterday but did nothing today but chill. I figure my mom will keep me busy over the next month after she gets here.

Chilling is OK. Sometimes you just have to smoke and relax and not worry about everything else going on. I’m still depressed really need to start the new meds.

 

Pills

I haven’t started my new pills yet. I am afraid.

I’ll start them eventually. I just need some time to be mostly drug free. Weed doesn’t count.

I’ll start Weds when mom gets here. I’ll be surrounded by a lot of love then.