depression

No Creativity

I am feeling the urge to create. Usually I do this with painting or creating dimensions in Rift but my mind is completely blank!

My mood has been better lately, not the best today but still better than it has been in the past. I suppose my meds are working somewhat. That’s a good thing. However I am stuck in the worst possible rut and feel like saying meh every time I come up with a thought to do something. It’s annoying.

I thought maybe I could at least write but even now as I am writing the words are struggling to come out.

It’s really pissing me off.

I’m listening to music hoping it will help, it’s not doing much so far except I am enjoying some of my favorite songs so I guess that is something.

It’s so hard to describe how I am feeling, honestly I feel like I’m on the treadmill of life, it doesn’t go anywhere but at least I’m moving.

I suppose it is all better than being so depressed I can’t get out of bed and I should be grateful for the positive things that are going on in my life. I mean I’m blessed. I have a wonderful supportive husband, I got some great family and I have a gorgeous grandson that is almost a year old. Sadly I’ve never met him. I collect pictures and videos my daughter sends me though.

anyhow I apparently have nothing to write so I give up for now.

Since I’m Having a Good Day

I think I’ll post! Sorry it has been a while but I have been seriously so depressed I was happy if I showered once every two weeks! I’ve had no motivation. Honestly I say it is partially genuine feelings and this new weed I got. Both make me want to do more.

I did go to Applebee’s during a slow time for lunch last week. Slowly getting at doing more.

I’ve been playing my computer games but still haven’t painted. I can feel it coming though the painting will happen sometime I just have to patiently wait for my brain to allow it.

My anxiety has sucked a lot lately.  My brain just always goes to a negative place for every single thought that I have. I don’t know what to do about it except give my head a shake and go on to the next thought and hope it is better.

Anyhow nothing really has happened besides the Applebee’s thing. My life is not real exciting right now. My days are spent stoned and dozing in the recliner listening to music. It makes me feel relaxed and shuts that voice up for a little while. So I always end up doing it every day. Though the night before I always claim will be a weed free day but it doesn’t end up that way.  oh well.

Death

Hi guys it’s been a while since I’ve written.

Lately all I can do is think about death.  I’m afraid of so many things. Trump starting world war 3, getting older and being more at risk for illnesses. I’m terrified. There doesn’t seem to be anything I can do or think about that makes me feel any better either.  I suppose it’s a good thing that I am afraid of death, I at least won’t be killing myself. Even with the almost constant depression.

I thought maybe writing about it might help, but it’s not.

I also have the damn flu which is giving me anxiety. I swear if it wasn’t for Xanax I would fall apart completely.

fuck…

 

Things Haven’t Changed Much

As you can see from the title things haven’t changed much. I’m still not painting, still not doing much. I’m depressed most of the time and I want out of this jail cell but can’t think for one minute of where I would even go and be comfortable.

Now I have to go make my lunch.

Stoned again.. sigh

Painting

I still haven’t painted. I got all the things I need, I have instructional videos. Bob Ross has so many I can follow along with I’m just not motivated to do it and I’m also afraid of doing it. Pretty dumb huh? Oh well.

I don’t know why I decided to write today but I thought that I ought to check in and give a wassup.  😛

I haven’t been in the best of moods. Usually I have day after day of depression. Right now I am on 3mg of Rexulti and 300mg of Wellbutrin for my depression. I think I need something else in there but I’ll work that out on my next shrinks appt.

Oh and I dyed my hair dark pink. So that’s fun.

Anyhoo going to go now..

 

The Depression Has Been Shitty Lately

I’m finding it hard to get motivated to get out of bed let alone blog.  I did have a couple of good days but I took advantage of them and hung with hubby. I find when I am actively spending time with him as opposed to just sitting side by side at our computers I feel better about the outlook on life.

Our Birthdays are both coming up and I really didn’t want to do anything for mine at least but now we are having to do a family gathering. sigh… I hate being reminded that I’m getting older… 48 this year, another 2 and I can have aarp lol.

Anyhow I wanted to apologize to people who actually read this blog.. Sorry I just suck balls lately.

 

Went Out Today

Today I walked round our block catching Pokemon and talking with my husband. I also went to Walmart and did grocery shopping. I haven’t felt like writing or really doing anything at all so there have been no real accomplishments except going on living.

Today I am just sitting back relaxing listening to tunes and smoking green.

The depression has been weighing on me quite a bit lately. I really think I need to set an alarm for blogging again. Ya I think I will, if I remember.. hehe.

I hope to be returning back to writing daily soon.

Why Not 3?

Today at 11:18am I have already had some accomplishments. I have taken the garbage and recycling out and walked both dogs separately to the mailbox! Yep doesn’t sound like much but for someone whose house needs a full cleaning it’s a head start and it’s something I can do. I plan to also do the two loads of laundry I have had sitting in the laundry room since my mom’s visit. (That’s what happens when you own too many clothes).

I decided I would also post on my blog. So here I am! Hi 🙂

My depression must be improving without me knowing it though because the wellbutrin seems to be doing some motivating. The increase of the rexulti seems to be helping too. Though I admit the last two days I napped in the afternoon just to pass time, I was so lonely. I don’t know how to interact with people anymore. I used to play WoW and be in a guild and talk with a lot of people. I need to start doing that again just to be a part of something and to interact with people again.

I’ll figure it out I guess.

I miss my sister in law. She is dating a really nice person right now and I haven’t had a chance to see her very much. Hopefully as they get more serious that will change though and there will be a little wiggle room for me.  We’ll see.

 

I Need A Vacation

I need to get out of here. I don’t need to leave for more than a few days but I need a change.

Today’s accomplishments were cleaning up the floors, and doing a couple of loads of laundry and actually putting it away.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll do some more and finally get caught up. I’m still finding it hard to get motivated. I feel like a Emo kid. Sigh I don’t want to do anything but maybe if I start something, than I’m all like what the fuck did I get myself into and that’s how I get anything done at all. Which I really haven’t much, which is why I haven’t posted.

Only reason I am posting today is I’m stoned and accidentally went to my blog page.  Then I had to write. I mean I do want to write more don’t get me wrong, again it’s that lack of motivation thing happening. I wish I could force myself to sleep just whenever and than I would have a way to pass time.

Even looking for a way to finish this is exhausting.

 

So How Are Things Going So Far

I’m doing better in the sense that I am starting to clean the house a bit and showered today.

Went to the shrinks and she added  150 mg of Wellbutrin for motivation and increased my dosage of Rexulti to 3 mg. Hopefully it will make a difference. I mean I can already see that it is making a difference again because I am feeling things, good, bad, happy, sad the full gambit, though I haven’t really gotten angry at anyone just frustrated. So that’s something, though I would like to feel more of the positive side of the emotions though honestly. Tired of being sad all the time you know? Putting on a happy face so the people around you can’t tell just how shitty you are feeling.

The good thing is it looks I might be frozen in my house for the next couple of days with hubby, so at least this week I will have less time alone.

I’m starting to play Rift again, though I am slightly lost on where to start and how to use my shit, I’ll figure it out though.