Day 4

Today I’ve been sluggish and had a bit of a headache. You know one of those ones that are just on the edge of turning into something? I don’t like to take medications so I have just tolerated it. I think it’s the withdrawal from the Rexulti.

The puppy is doing well but really limiting where I can go in my house. She doesn’t want to chill on my lap upstairs so I have to stay downstairs. It’s just too dangerous up here.

My mood is on the edge of pissy, it wasn’t too bad earlier but as the day has gone on it has gotten worse. I think it’s because I feel like a prisoner at the moment. Now I brought this on myself. I wanted another puppy because I was feeling that I had more love to give. I do love Dani to pieces too, I just am missing doing some of my normal stuff. Usually I play some WoW or do some face booking. I’m spending a lot of time watching TV, which I do that too but now is it feeling kind of forced.

Well that’s it for today. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Not The Best

Today is not one of my best. I’m depressed but with my little green friend I kind of feel immune to it, sitting on the edge wanting it to dare poke it’s head through. That’s the best way I can think of to describe how I’m feeling right this very instant. Plus my damn back is killing me. Spending to much time slouched over I guess.

I’ve played some WoW with hubby today and last night cause I still want to do stuff even if I don’t want to do stuff. I think a lot of people could understand.

Depression sucks balls.

I Missed A Blog Dammit

I missed a blog cause I was stoned. I said I’ll remember than I didn’t.

Tonight I am playing with hubby before I smoke some weed cause it does make me a little dippy. I admit it. I mean that’s why there was no blog yesterday right? So we’re playing World of Warcraft, doing some raiding. I haven’t done that in a long time but I am feeling better. So the month without weed proved nothing other than I should maybe be smoking some weed. I’ve been in a decent mood the last few days and Weds night was awesome. Completely laughing my ass off till I cried awesome.

Tonight I’m just gonna chill and Netflix, HA! I’m gonna try and watch one of those shows hubby likes so much, so that I can join him for the second season. We’ll see if it’s something I will enjoy.


Not A Crappy Day

Today actually turned out alright. I wasn’t super happy but I was able to enjoy watching some football and playing some WoW with my hubby.

When I woke up it felt like it was going to be like every other day but I guess I can have an OK day. Okay is better than down by a long shot right? Maybe tomorrow will be OK too, who knows. I’ll take anything but that damned depression.


Almost Missed Posting

I was watching some TV and playing some WoW with hubby and lost track of time.  How am I feeling? Not great. Still feel like I am coming down with something and I made the mistake of smoking some weed last night, setting myself back some.

Tomorrow it is supposed to be all stormy while hubby is at work and I fucking hate it so much. I’m so terrified every time it happens.

At least tomorrow is Friday and I won’t have to be alone for a couple days.

Last night was fun though. I talked. A lot! I don’t do that very often, usually I am the one that just sits and nods and listens. I think it helped me some. You know in a therapeutic kind of way.

It was nice to have people around for a time and this weekend we are celebrating my MiL’s birthday.



Today I have been having feelings, like a range of them. I wouldn’t think much about it except that I have been only really feeling two the last several months. Sad mostly, with a touch of happy here or there. I guess three if you count terror as an emotion.

None of these feelings were out of place. I was hurt because of something someone did. I cried because of a sad story that I read. I got angry because I felt betrayed a little. I also got happy because I listened to some music. It is all rather nice.  It’s better than I’ve felt in a while. I’ll take it one day at a time.

I decided not to go to my doctors. I’m going to see if my shrinks advice, meds and help work to fix my issues first. I promised hubby if things didn’t improve in a month I would go to the doctors though. I’m hoping I don’t have to.

I think I am going to try and get back to my happy place and put on some music and play some World of Warcraft.

Blah Blah Blah

I could not think of a title. Today I have not done very much. I’ve been kind of chill and just relaxing.

My shrink called today to tell me she would not fill my scripts again until I made an appt to see her.  So now that is coming up next Friday.

I played some World of Warcraft and am planning on playing some more later.

For now I’m just gonna try and unload some anxiety somehow.


Thank you so much!

This always makes me feel so incredibly shy and also incredibly wonderful. Thank you Dyane over at Birth of a New Brain for nominating me for my second Liebster.  I am horrible at making thankyou speeches though. So hugs and kisses and thanks from the heart. Following the rules here.

The four rules are as follows:

1) I must provide 11 facts about myself. This is hard for me becsause I find myself rather boring 😛

2) Answer 11 questions created by my nominating party Dyane.

3) Nominate 11 blogs

4) Provide them with 11 questions to answer!


Okay first 11 things about myself.

  1. I am terrified of tornados, yet want to live in the Midwest.
  2. I am the mother of a 29 year old woman and a six year old grand-daughter.
  3. I am the oldest child of 5.
  4. I wrote a song for a talent show when I was in brownies.
  5. I love to record myself singing so I can improve.
  6. I’m terrified of ticks and chiggers. Anything that imbeds in your skin actually.
  7. I am naturally blonde.
  8. I love to collect pens and notepads.
  9. I love to collect anything with Belle on it.
  10. I want Don’t Fear the Reaper Played at my funeral.
  11. I’m am either incredibly shy or incredibly outgoing ( I blame the bipolar )

Answering Dyane’s Questions to me:

1) What is your favorite color? Why?

Purple because it is always vibrant even at it’s darkest.

2) If you could have one wish, what would it be? Honestly I would to get rid of my bipolarity. I could live without the depressive and manic parts of it. Maybe I would just wish to be hypomanic all the time.

3) Pick a song that defines you. Why that song? Panic Attack by Dream Theatre. I always seem to be having some sort of anxiety or stress over something.

4) If you could travel to one place, where would you go? Does Europe count as one place? I admit it is a bit of a cheat, but they have the most remarkable architecture.

5) Who is your hero? Why? My BFF even though she is going through a tough time herself she still makes sure others are ok. She is always checking on me and she volunteers for animals. She is truly amazing.

6) What makes you smile? Wow this is a toughie, I suppose the thing that makes me smile most is my husband. Sounds kind of cheesy but the is wonderful and funny 😀

7) What made you chose the topic you blog about? You write what you know.  I know how my bipolarity makes me feel for the most part. Sometimes it does sneak up on me though.

8) If you could live any time period, when you would you chose?  I would easily choose the 1820’s. All those fancy balls gowns and the fact that you were chubby and pale was a  positive instead of a negative.

9) If you had to give up one of your senses, which would you chose? Hmmm this is a hard one. Actually no it isn’t I would give up taste.  Would make food a need instead of a want.

10) What was your favorite movie as a child? Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I was a dork from really early on lol.

11) What is your favorite way to unwind? Play Guitar Hero or Rock Band. I always wanted to be a musician and this lets me pretend that I am. 😛


Blogs I would like to nominate are :

  1. Glenn2point0
  2. LazyMoan
  3. Young and Twenty
  4. Stunned and Stunted
  5. Thinking about Life
  6. [Bi]polar Curious
  7. I Am My Own Island
  8. Bipolar and Broke
  9. Inside the Mind of a Borderline Mother
  10. Kelzbelzphotography
  11. Nectar Madness


World of Warcraft, Can it Help?

My husband and I met through a mmorpg (mass mulitplayer online roleplaying game). We’ve always enjoyed playing them together so much that we played WoW for 7 years before we quit and went to other games. I never really thought I would return as I had burned out on how mean people can be to one another. Plus really you just spent hours trying to accomplish virtual goods.

We started playing again a few days ago and I am trying to enjoy it as a new player. I am trying to cope with my depression and the distraction when hubby is at work is greatly needed.  I just have to much time to think when I am alone. Those of you who have depression of any kind know that sometimes it is just bad to sit and think.

I usually have a very hard time interacting with anything when I am feeling this way. The fact that my ex-shrink keeps lying about filling my clonazepam script is not helping. My anxiety is through the roof in addition to just feel physically horrible.

I’m on the greater side of suckiness right now. I keep waiting for those highs and since taking my meds properly every day I just feel worse. If it weren’t for the side effects of quitting cold turkey I would just give them up. April 6th can’t happen soon enough. However now I am also anxious about it. I had hoped I had gotten past this, apparently not.. sigh.

Still Alive, guess that’s something.