Month: October 2014

Writing Drunk

I did something I’ve needed to do for a while. I got stinking drunk. The positive thing is that I am finally relaxed. The bad thing is that I might have a hangover for our fall walk tomorrow.

I don’t really care though because for the first time in a while I don’t really care.

I’m not gonna write much, I am gonna sit down and eat some dill pickle or salt’n vinegar chips and chill. I won’t worry about things right now. Except for the factI got stuck with these kids while Jim and my mother in law went to the store. WTF seriously… I am not great with kids and they make me want to shoot myself a little..

Welp back to reality. I think I need another glass of wine to deal.. ciao


Find Calm

I’m obviously pretty stressed out. Having a home built. Living with my mother in law. Those are just a few of the things in my hefty load of stress.

My therapist said that I need to find something to de-stress myself. It’s hard. I have some games to play, i can paint and I like to play this thing called star something or other, it’s a karaoke game.I like singing, but then it makes me feel bad cause while I can get 3 stars on a lot of songs, I know I am not very good and it records you visually and audibly and it brings back those feelings of self-hate that I am trying so hard to fight.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like my insides are going to melt into acidic mush if I don’t find find something to do. I just wish I had the will, or the positive feels I were feeling last week. Some motivation would be nice but I’m tired and I’m stressed and I just don’t want to bother.

I even had a panic attack today at my therapy session. It sucked balls. This was after a xanax and a clonazepam. Ya I’m stressed.

So Fucking Manically Annoyed

Today I am so annoyed and not positive feeling. I dont want to do positive things. I want to yell and scream and possibly punch someone on the neck.

I don’t want to work on my diet. I dont want to be friendly and conversational. I dont want to carve my pumpkins and I dont want to fucking shower.


Being a rapid cycler is horrible.


Big Ass Hole

that’s not like someone is a big asshole, not a typo. There is a big ass hole dug in the front of our new yard and fence posts in the back, which means we wont have to pay for about 500 dollars worth of a 7k-8k we’ll have to pay for a fence. Surrounding 3/4 of an acre aint cheap.

I’d love to know what the hole in the front yard is there for. We couldnt get any answers and last night having had the concrete put down, I am just looking forward to the framing to go up.

I woke up sad today, dunno why and I’ve been a little lax on the exercising, I am just not feeling very motivated. Also buying 24 of those bars was a mistake, I ate 3 of them today. I did buy them before deciding to diet but having them here makes it so hard. I also dont want to share them with anyone. I’m a little piggy *oink, oink*

Not happy with myself today at all.

Ce-ment Pond

I was thrilled when we went out to visit the foundation today. They had our porch, garage and basement were all poured and the men were making it all smooth and cool.

Mom seems insecure about buying her home now. It makes me wonder if she is going to go through with her. I honestly worry that maybe our wanting her there has pushed her into doing something she isnt ready for.

Hubby is going to talk to her to make sure she doesnt lose too much money if she feels she would rather stay here in the house on the lake.

I just want her to be happy and we live close enough that holidays and visits arent a big deal.

I am happy right now. I cheated a little on my diet today but I got a candy bar that is only available in Canada and I am going to enjoy it! Plus I’ve lost 2.6 pounds. Go me!

Saying No To Myself

Sometimes it’s good to say no to yourself and talk yourself out of things. Like last night at 3am I woke up and wanted candy corn so I went half asleep stumbling down the stairs to grab a handful. I felt guilty about it all day. It was my first cheat on my diet. I know it wont be my last but I realize it will happen again. I’ve been pretty good though.

Saying no to myself because of fear or anxiety is such a bad idea though. Every time I get nervous I want to not do something. For example I got a little nervous about going to lunch yesterday and today yet I went out both days. I decided my anxiety isn’t going to control me anymore.

Tomorrow night will be the true test when I go out to one of the Halloween events that are going on around Omaha. There are several and I am going to one no matter how hard it is. Even if it is the one I am familiar with. I have to keep moving forward. Life is short and I won’t say no to myself anymore.

Well unless it is about food. No sugar, no caffeine, no high fats…

Time to say yes to being in shape and being sexy and liking myself.

Time to say yes to going out and not caring what others think.

No more no….

La La La Fall

Today we went into the woods for a walk so I could take more pictures and we ended up walking over 2 miles and it’s only 3:18pm so I’ve already more than passed my gial of daily step for the day. Yay!

I took some pictures which I thought I would share with you instead of babbling on today.  Enjoy!

Time To Stop Being Afraid

I am always afraid of death. It haunts me. Yet I’ve had physicals, ekg’s and even genetic testing. I ‘should’ live to a decent age. Maybe it is time to stop being afraid and time to start living?

I want to enjoy my life. I want to explore the world, even if it is the small world that I live in. I want to try new things and stop living in fear of my anxiety. I am going to the haunted house on Monday night and I am going to invite my husband to a movie this weekend.

I am going to stop being afraid. I am going to enjoy the life I have and if something happens. I will deal with it.

Girl Next Door

So Mom got the lot next door. What seemed was impossible might actually be possible. I’m trying to keep a positive outlook.

I didnt hasve therapy appts today but I ended up spending our entire day out of the house. Eating out but keeping on diet. So proud of myself, it’s so hard.

Shopping at Bath and Body, I’m such a girly girl. I got a full collection of Japanese Cherry Blossom which is my favorite tree. I would love to grow one!

Mom signed the papers to hold the lot next to our and now she has to put her house up for sale. It will be complicated but it will be wonderful once we move into our own home and mom moves in next door.

I’m mostly tired and cant think of much to write about.  Tomorrow will be better. I plan on painting and might have something to post.

Trying To Love Myself

I am on day 3 of my new diet 1800 calories a day/ No caffeine. No Sugar. Walking every single day.

I got a wedding to get in shape for because in 2015 hubby and I are renewing our vows. Hopefully in Hawaii! What woman doesn’t want to look gorgeous in a wedding dress?

Anyhow that gives me 2 year to get to my goal weight. I think I can do it without surgery or extreme measures. I am gonna change my lifestyle. I wanna be a healthier person not just mentally but physically. I am starting to come out of my depression and I can see things more clearly.

I am getting better, the depression was not at bad as it usually is and didn’t last as long. So maybe it’s time I learned to love myself and treat myself as good as I would anyone else. I am going to be what I want to be and stop waiting for some miracle to happen. I have to be the one that makes the changes. No one is going to do it for me.

Now I am gonna go for a walk by the lot, well I guess it is a foundation now. What a sunny warm day to be doing so.