I’m starting to care about some things again. The first being my health, both mental and physical. I’m nervous about visiting my shrink but I know that I need adjustments. I also need to make an appt for my yearly physical.
Prince died today and it freaked me out. The whole flu like symptoms thing covers so much. Add an anxiety attack and bam I’m gonna die. My mind goes there fast. Anyone else have a brain that goes to the worst possible outcome?
I find that I am pacing a lot. I want to do things but have no idea what to do or where to start most of the time. Too many options is almost as bad as none at times. Least I am getting exercise lol.
So I went to my shrinks this week and found out some interesting things from the spit test dna thing they did. Apparently I will respond well to most medications. (like not have a really diverse reaction) I am really low on folic acid and I also keep benzo’s in my system a lot longer than most people. Was it worth it? I guess I will find out.
She wants me to start taking fast absorbing folic acid but it wasn’t covered by insurance and it was 145 bucks, that is way to much for a monthly pill. So I am going to see if I can maybe take the over the counter kind that takes a little longer to get into your system.
I’ve been having a lot of fun playing Final Fantasy with my husband. I’ve been in a pretty good place except for one low peak the day after my FIL left.
I’m keeping on top of the house, keeping it clean. Making dinner almost every night and my weight loss is going really well so far. I may need to go a little lower in calories or carbs should it stall but right now it works. I am still trying to walk at least a mile every day. I have a hard time sitting still anyhow. I’m looking forward to riding our bikes!
It’s weird to be looking forward to things… really weird.
It doesn’t feel natural though to be not posting every day. I don’t want to get out of the habit of it either. I need to fix my shit and get back to writing every day. I wasn’t going to post every day because I don’t always have something to say and I don’t want people to be bored but I am going to make sure I do it for myself.
My mood has been kind of middle of the road. I managed to make it being by myself until almost 10 o’clock last night though because hubby had a work dinner. So I think that I handled that pretty good. I didn’t crawl into bed and I didn’t break down into tears and was even encouraging about it. So good for me.
It’s grey out today and it’s hard to be in a good mood when the world is cold and yucky. I’m trying though. Think I am going to do some housework or workout or something physical.
Yesterday I had a horrible time getting out of bed but every time I would fall back asleep I would have dreams of trying to kill myself. It was super weird. They were incredibly vivid.
It turned out to be one of those days where I didn’t feel like I could be alone but I had no choice. I was just generally sad and confused about my dreams.
I ended up cleaning the house though and managed to walk over a mile and a half which I think is pretty good for a depressed person.
Today I again had a hard time getting out of bed, my dreams were still vivid but they were about having to do things to save my life.
My brain seems to be stuck on a theme. I’m not entirely sure why but every time something negative pops in my head I tell myself that those are not my real feelings and move past it.
My shrink says that she wants for me to be happy to wake up each day and not mind being by myself and even possibly enjoy it. I don’t know if that will happen. There isn’t a lot for me to do currently. I’m not feeling creative or explorative. I don’t want to be on my computer and I’m tired of watching the same TV shows every day.
I can’t let this get me down though. I need to figure out how to enjoy life more. I’m lucky and have my physical health. People that are worse off are living and fighting to enjoy each day so I should be able to do it.
I’m sure in time it will be different. I plan to start working out tonight, that should help. I’ve already started a low carb, high protein diet. I’m losing weight and I’m working hard to keep my house clean. Maybe I need to spend more time on myself. What do I need?
I haven’t really had anything to write about honestly. I was doing tons of laundry, which I finally finished. Yay!
My mood has been ok and I believe the wellbutrin is keeping me motivated, however I am going to run out of housework kinds of things to do then I am not sure where I’ll stand.
I hope to get back into my computer games and I also plan to exercise every day.
I’m almost back down to 250, I want to get below that so badly. I started lowcarb/high fiber again and I hope it does the trick now that it is just hubby and I.
MIL would sabotage unintentionally all the time so now is the time to prove it was her and not me!
I am on day 3 of my new diet 1800 calories a day/ No caffeine. No Sugar. Walking every single day.
I got a wedding to get in shape for because in 2015 hubby and I are renewing our vows. Hopefully in Hawaii! What woman doesn’t want to look gorgeous in a wedding dress?
Anyhow that gives me 2 year to get to my goal weight. I think I can do it without surgery or extreme measures. I am gonna change my lifestyle. I wanna be a healthier person not just mentally but physically. I am starting to come out of my depression and I can see things more clearly.
I am getting better, the depression was not at bad as it usually is and didn’t last as long. So maybe it’s time I learned to love myself and treat myself as good as I would anyone else. I am going to be what I want to be and stop waiting for some miracle to happen. I have to be the one that makes the changes. No one is going to do it for me.
Now I am gonna go for a walk by the lot, well I guess it is a foundation now. What a sunny warm day to be doing so.
Today I decided to get a fitbit. It’s a little pedometer that does a few other things I havent figured it out.
I’ve decided that I am going to start working on getting in shape. I was going to wait until we moved into our home late Feb early March and I was using that as an excuse to keep eating crap all the time and drinking tons of soda and not bothering to exercise.
That’s about to change. That walk we took through the woods showed me that life could really be different if I was healthier. Not only would I be able to do more things but I would feel better about myself.
So the first thing I am going to do is stop drinking soda and caffeine. I am gonna try and walk each day too, even if it is just circling to house, or doing one of those 15 minute miles. It’s time for this woman to change. I can always keep dreaming or I can make those dreams come true. Only I can make it happen. Time for that to start.
Today my husband and I went and explored some woods near the new house. It’s a national forest called Schramm. It’s really quite lovely and I took some really good pictures. I’ll add them to this post later, I have to move them all over the place to get them on here since I didn’t take them with my iPad.
We talked a lot and ended up walking for 3 fricken miles. I am really sore. I’m not sure how much pain I am gonna be tomorrow but I am in some now. It was totally worth it. Even if I have to stay on the couch all day it was worth it.
I need to exercise more. I realize that I moved to a part of the country where being a larger gal is accepted much easier but I don’t want to be this way anymore. Life is short and I want to live it with energy and verve!
Got lots of vitamin D today from MR. Sun. Also hubby is trying to make it so that I can play my games on her computer. Cross your fingers it will give me something to do with my time.
Things were better today though I am a bundle of hyped up emotions. I managed to make it through most of the day without completely freaking out. Mostly anyhow.
Hubby and I went to for a two mile walk at this man made lake that was really nice. Neither of us were dressed for it and we got super hot! Afterwards we sent shopping at Target.
I don’t know what came over me, I ended up buying a bunch of stuff that I really didn’t need, then felt horribly guilty about. This caused me to be tense and when hubby said something like when I get stressed out I get controlling, I try to control the thing that I am stressed out about. This made me yell then cry but ultimately he is correct.
I am trying to relax and just enjoy the good things but it is so hard for me. Ugh.
I am trying to eat healthier, I am losing weight, we are getting a home, we are going to have a wonderful life, I a, getting ECT. Things are good. Good dammit.
My husband spoils me. Honestly sometimes I act like a petulant child if I don’t get what I want. So he rarely if ever says no to me. It’s a flaw in us both. He wants me to be happy and I want to be happy. Seems like a nice enough arrangement. I’m treated like a princess
There is a problem with someone who never says no to you especially when you can’t say no to yourself. I want to lose weight and I’ll tell my husband not to buy me anymore sweets or salties. That lasts for a day or two when I really feel I almost need these things. My body is aching with craving, it makes my entire body thrum until I finally start the talk with hubby about getting me just these one or twos things. He always gives in. It’s frustrating.
I want to lose weight I know I am unhealthy and when you Doctor says to you even before you physical that you qualify for some kind of stomach surgery you know it’s bad. I can’t stop eating crap though. It’s not that I am lazy I walk almost daily and plan to move back into more when this flu is completely gone. I even mostly like healthy foods, specially raw fruits and veggies. I hate the fact that I just want to each tons of chocolate and cookies and chips and crackers. I feel so guilty afterwards, if I didn’t hate the feeling of being nauseated I swear I would become bulimic. I likely will end up getting the lap-band once we got back to Omaha, I hope hubby learns to say no..
I want I want.. I want a better life, I want to be healthy, I want to feel beautiful.. I can say all this now until the next time I crave.. Ugh I don’t know what to do. It’s probably killing me..