Caring About Things

I’m starting to care about some things again. The first being my health, both mental and physical. I’m nervous about visiting my shrink but I know that I need adjustments. I also need to make an appt for my yearly physical.

Prince died today and it freaked me out. The whole flu like symptoms thing covers so much. Add an anxiety attack and bam I’m gonna die. My mind goes there fast. Anyone else have a brain that goes to the worst possible outcome?

I find that I am pacing a lot. I want to do things but have no idea what to do or where to start most of the time. Too many options is almost as bad as none at times. Least I am getting exercise lol.



I Hate Weekdays

When Monday comes around I get lonely, I get sad. This happens almost every week without fail. If hubby is home then it doesn’t. It’s pretty simple.

The fact that it’s been raining since last night doesn’t help. I have yet to buy a UV lamp and there hasn’t really been any sun. Yet I walked outside forgetting that it was a gov’t holiday enjoying the fresh crisp air and smell of decaying vegetation. I found something positive in a negative.

My mother in law didn’t get her loan approval so she wont be moving next door. I have to admit I am pretty sad about it. A legitimate reason to be sad. I can’t think of a way for it to work now. She could sell her house first but then she needs somewhere to live until the new one is built. I can’t take the cats and bird in. She has no where for them to go. Plus another 7 months of not being alone with my husband.

Some things are just not meant to happen I guess.

I’m going to try to not let it get me down. However it is during the week and keeping myself up is already hard.

I must keep my eye on the positives.

The positives are that my house building is moving forward. My marriage is strong and healthy. My mental health is getting better. I am looking toward the future instead of dreading it.

I’m alive, I’m healthy and can healthier. Life is good, even if my moods are the top most, my life can still be good.

Functioning Bipolar?

I noticed that I take horrible care of myself probably about 85% of the time.. I eat poorly, don’t exercise as much as I should. Sometimes I don’t shower for a week. Forget to brush my teeth.. honestly I make myself sick. I pick at things until they fester, constantly pick pick.. Especially if it is a hair that doesn’t belong.. just one can send me into a picking spiral. I find hair gross, but holes grosser. I leave the house in total mess. Seriously the one thing I could do would be to be a good housewife but nope. I’m not lazy, don’t get me wrong I just can’t look after myself. I look at it and get so overwhelmed.

Eventually I hit mania and everything sparkles including me, I start wearing makeup and styling my hair.  But in that time,  I am even horrible at taking my medications. I always seem to forget a couple/few times a week to take them. I think this is one of the reasons ECT would work for me as opposed to drugs. I imagine therapy would be good as well. I have managed to avoid it until now, but I realized while starting to talk to and read other bipolars post that maybe I don’t have to be so shut off from everything. If I can learn to cope and find my triggers.

I can’t work outside of the house, well technically I can’t work for more than a few months at anything. I start out highly driven and then end up just falling apart. I don’t know why, I like working, I love that feeling of accomplishment but something just happens and it’s all over.  Every time I get manic I start a new job and then a couple months later I can’t do it anymore.

I don’t know why I am like this. I used to get up, shower every morning, brush my teeth 2-3 times a day, think about what I put into my body and was very active. Over the years it has gotten steadily worse. The depression lasts longer and I seem to be just going more and more downhill physically.

At the first of the year, I started doing this again, for 2 weeks straight I exercised every day, showered every day and was starting to be very conscious about what I was eating and drinking. I did majorly fuck up my lamictal though and started going through withdrawal symptoms and went almost comatose with depression. I just couldn’t do anything. I lost all my will.

Now I am back to where I am thinking about slowing adding these things back in.  It’s hard to do when I feel I am just going to fail again, plus I am the worst self-saboteur. I lose a few pounds and instead of it motivating me it makes me buy junk food and drink soda’s What’s up with that anyhow?

Is there anyone else that has these same issues, or are you a functioning bipolar?