self hatred

A Blog For Writing – Man I’m Manic

I think I might need to start a new blog just for posting the writing challenges. While I am writing about things in my life I want to keep the focus on my daily life. I’ve felt creative lately though and adore challenges.

I’ve been very manic the last few days, not in a good way either. An example of this is last night I was craving cookies and corn chips. Now when I say corn chips I mean Frito Lay corn chips. My husband was kind enough to set off to the store and get me some snacks, he is such a sweety. However he came home with some regular nacho chips. Which he insisted were corn chips. Technically I suppose so, but his reasoning was not enough for me not to go off on a screaming rant about what real corn chips were. I swear if any overheard they would think I was crazy. I was furious. We each went off into separate rooms.

Once I sat down I realize I was manic and needed to apologize but I knew if I walked back into the computer room at that moment I would just go off on him again. So I sent a text apologizing and just chilled for about 30 mins or so to calm down.

The positive thing about it is I realized what was going on and removed my self from the situation. The bad thing is I insulted the love of my life,¬†who had just done me a favor. I hate the guilt but I damn well deserve it ūüė¶

Functioning Bipolar?

I noticed that I take horrible care of myself probably about 85% of the time.. I eat poorly, don’t exercise as much as I should. Sometimes I don’t shower for a week. Forget to brush my teeth.. honestly I make myself sick.¬†I pick at things until they fester, constantly pick pick.. Especially if it is a hair that doesn’t belong.. just one can send me into a¬†picking spiral. I find hair gross, but¬†holes grosser.¬†I leave the house in total mess. Seriously the one thing I could do would be to be a good housewife but nope. I’m not lazy, don’t get me wrong I just can’t look after myself. I look at it and get so overwhelmed.

Eventually I hit mania and everything sparkles including me, I start wearing makeup and styling my hair.¬† But in that time,¬† I am even horrible at taking my medications. I always seem to forget a couple/few times a week to take them. I think this is one of the reasons ECT would work for me as opposed to drugs. I imagine therapy would be good as well. I have managed to avoid it until now, but I realized while starting to talk to and read other bipolars post that maybe I don’t have to be so shut off from everything. If I can learn to cope and find my triggers.

I can’t work outside of the house, well technically I can’t work for more than a few months at anything. I start out highly driven and then end up just falling apart. I don’t know why, I like working, I love that feeling of accomplishment but something just happens and it’s all over.¬† Every time I get manic I start a new job and then a couple months later I can’t do it anymore.

I don’t know why I am like this. I used to get up, shower every morning, brush my teeth 2-3 times a day, think about what I put into my body and was very active. Over the years it has gotten steadily worse. The depression lasts longer and I seem to be just going more and more downhill physically.

At the first of the year, I started doing this again, for 2 weeks straight I exercised every day, showered every day and was starting to be very conscious about what I was eating and drinking. I did majorly fuck up my lamictal though and started going through withdrawal symptoms and went almost comatose with depression. I just couldn’t do anything. I lost all my will.

Now I am back to where I am thinking about slowing adding these things back in.¬† It’s hard to do when I feel I am just going to fail again, plus I am the worst self-saboteur. I lose a few pounds and instead of it motivating me it makes me buy junk food and drink soda’s What’s up with that¬†anyhow?

Is there anyone else that has these same issues, or are you a functioning bipolar?

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Here’s the story.. of a lovely child

As far as I can remember my childhood was hell. My mom says I was a lovely sweet child with a great sense of humor that everyone loved. Then when I was 10 there was a man handing out candy that turned out to be some kind of drug.

After that I started striking out, sleep walking and my life just went to shit from there. No one knew what was wrong with me. I was in therapy for 6 years with my family. They tried really hard to work past it.¬† However the older I got the worse I got. By 12 I had already had lost my virginity and had had several lovers, both male and female I’d attempted to kill myself twice and¬†I started taking LSD.

I would just randomly run away, I mean who impulsively walks 104 miles just because she doesn’t want to be where she is. I would meet strange men and go home with them. I felt like I was always searching for something.

I was beat up on a weekly basis by girls at school, molested by a boyfriends father and raped all before I was 15.  I was beaten up by a circle of kids in public school and the school removed me as to not have to lose a great deal of their grade 8 students.

I was placed in a school for kids with ‘special’ needs and was apparently locked in my room with no sheets and nothing on but underwear. I seemed to have blocked this of all things from my memory.

My mom eventually took me home because she didn’t like the way they treated me, but¬†then at 15 I was pregnant and she was supportive and said I could stay with her. I think the only time I wasn’t manic or depressed was when I was pregnant. I was however a horrible mother, I was severely agoraphobic and couldn’t go to the store for food or take my daughter to school. She was eventually taken away from me. I don’t hate the system for doing it, she ended up in a foster home with a wonderful warm woman.

 

I think that is all for today, I want to reflect on this.