I think that I am doing better today. I don’t have that evil little ball of rage eating my stomach up.
Last night to take care of it I had a couple margerita’s at dinner, it helped mellow me out. I can see how easy it would be to become an alcholic, I could do it easily. I know that it makes things better for a short time. So I drink a little more than normal during the holidays.
BTW for those saying lighten up. That is not something that comes naturally to me and when someone owes you 5000 dollars and then pushes you around passive agressively while spending money on crap and not making an effort to pay you back at all. I lost my feeling grateful when all that shit went down. I feel how I feel. WE never ever put her out and do all her little hints that we can to make sure she is happy. It gets to be a little much.
Okay maybe that ball is still there but it isn’t raising my blood pressure and making my eye tick anymore which is something.
I can’t wait until we get our own place so I know which feeling are natural and which are bipolar. It’s impossible to tell at the moment. All I know it most days I am depressed or angry. I didn’t want to waste my therapy money on it so now I just vent to hubby and hope for the best.
Hopefully the med increase will help calm me down.
Yesterday I was in a really great mood. I was happy and wanted to continue this mood, it was making me look forward to the holidays in my little prison here. Yet that had to change.
Last night the voice finale was on as was the finale for ink master. We watched the first hour of the voice then switched over to tattoo nightmare. Everyone was ok with this. Near the end of the hour MIL got impatient and went upstairs to find out the voice winner then came down and told us who it was.. let’s put it this way never watching that show again..
Anyhoo.. the news came on after all this shit and i asked if anyone was going to watch the news since I’ve been advised by my therapist to not watch it as it really affects my moods. Normally we just don’t so I was hoping I could put on something happier. Then I am sure just to be a bitch went, ya I’m watching it.
So I said fine I’m going to bed. I was hoping hubby would join me but he waited 30 mins which made my mind start to wander and become angrier and hate filled. I’m sure she heard me call her a fucking bitch through our door last night and I don’t care.
This is the only TV I can watch actual televsion on, she has one in her room that is hooked up to cable. If she didn’t want to watch ink master she could have said something.. she didn’t have to be a fucking snot..
anyhow, today my mood is still pissy. I feel like she ruined my happy and am not sure how to get it back causwe I just want to slap her in the face and say stop being so fucking selfish all the time.. ugh.
I mean she is like this with everything, she gave us every single thing we had around the house to stuff into the room, cause she doesn’t like sharing her space. We’re like prisoners that are allowed out to watch tv occasionally. it’s painful.
Living with my mom in law is not all that it is cracked at to be.
There are going to be times when there is conflict. Food, TV Shows, etc.
I can see the conflicts coming.
I love hanging out with her. I miss time alone with my husband. I miss being able to watch or listen to what I want.
I’m gettting pre-frustrated. Ya thats a word, now anyhow. lol.
Must breathe, breathe..
Tonight I talked with my daughter. She again has been dumped by the asshole who she keeps being screwed over with.
I hate that he keeps hurting her. She also informed me that she had been basically been welling herself for drugs. Though she has been clean for 3 months.
I told her if she goes back to this man I will need to stop talking to her. She is mentally unstable and I don’t want to abandon her but she is such a trigger for me.
After the call I wanted to kill myself and felt so guilty and heartbroken for the ways she had turned out. I can’t keep doing this to myself. I started drinking until hubby took the wine away from me. I wasn’t being very smart with taking cold medicine and Xanax and alcohol.
It was a hard day, eventually hubby was able to calm me back down but it made me realize that I might need cut her out of this continues just for my own sanity.
I hope she takes my advice and moves to a new Provence far away from that man and starts a new life, cause this just doesn’t work.
Today was a wonderful day. I spent a lot of time with my husband ad we had fun. I ate at new places, saw some new things. It was a semi-adventure. Tomorrow we plan to go to the Omaha Zoo. If all goes well.
Tonight I think I made a mistake. I contacted my dad by text. I’ve been feeling really guilty not talking to him, its been a couple of years and even though he was not a great father I still miss him from time to time. I haven’t seen him in 13+ years. Most of his text back to me were quick and abrupt. Once he realized it was me he got a little friendlier. Still it was lacking, he told me that he has been spending time with his GF while she has chemo and radiation. It made me feel bad that I didn’t know but no one knows she is keeping it as a secret.
I feel bad, first that I didn’t know. Second because I have never spoken particularly highly of her, I mean I don’t think much of her now. I don’t want anything bad to happen to her but this doesn’t change the way I feel.
What do I mostly feel bad about is that my dad really didn’t seem to show any interest in me and when I told him I loved him, he said me too. Me too? Really? WE havent talked in 2 years and all I got was a me too. I’m hurt. Really hurt. Why the fuck do I even care?
I just wish I could be curled up in bed watching Nana or Ouran Highschool and getting lost reading the subtitles and enjoying the characters.. Instead I have been painting and I’m not happy with how it is going..
Am I a horrible person?
Today was a restful day. After crying for many hours last night I seemed to have gotten some of the emotional build up out. I also had some nightmares. I am really looking forward to this upcoming weekend with my husband but first it will be a hectic week.
Tomorrow I am just cleaning the house but will also be calling and arranging my ECT appointment. I imagine this one will be a meet and greet and physical type one.
Tuesday I go for my breast exam and mammogram which I hope turns out to be nothing.
Wednesday there will be some furniture guys delivering a new dresser, no one will be here but me and I’m not really that comfortable with it but it is necessary.
Thursday I go to see my therapist and by that point I will most certainly need it. Plus I imagine mom and I will do lunch and some shopping!
Friday we finish the final bits of our contract and pay the rest of the money for the house to be started. Plus we head out of the hotel afterwards it will be nice!
I am looking forward to doing nothing but honestly I likely will go out and explore.
I just wish keeping busy kept my brain quiet, then it would be perfect.
Today I got everything arranged to get my breast exam and mammogram. They have 3D imaging now so that there is less likely hood of me having to have a biopsy for a cyst again. That hurt like hell. Tuesday I should at least know something I hope.
This weekend I am just going to pick out rock siding and paints for our house so that Friday we are done with everything and they can start building the house. I can barely wait.
Emotionally today was not bad except for the anxiety about my breast and there is really nothing i can do until a doctor can cop a feel, so I am gonna not worry too much about it.
I spent most of the day by myself which was weird but good but boring. It will definitely take some getting used to again. It was nice was MIL came home and we went out and did some shopping together.
Then i cooked us an awesome dinner of rib eye steaks, crab stuffed mushrooms and grill asparagus, low carb is definitely nummy and I’ve lost 5 pounds so far.
Nothing exciting going on though at least for now.
Well today we nt out and bought some fireworks I can’t wait to blow them up, might be a little stress relieving!
Started to get some things for the room so it won’t feel like a jail. I mean it still will but at least it will have some little bits and pieces of me in it you know?
I won’t be able to take the Percocet as it is making me itching so I am going to ha to suffer with the pain all on my lonesome.
Tomorrow I see my new psychologist, I am nervous and excited. It will be good to start working on my mental health again. I want to start working on some meds and ECT and get moving on life.
having a hard time writing my blog, my mom in law hasn’t stopped talking since she came home, through tv shows, yap yap yap. So much fucking talking it is driving me nuts, I feel so overstimulated and it is going to be nothing but getting worse.
It’s going to be so crowded and loud and talking and I just want some quiet. just shut up.. Argh
I have no idea what time I woke up but I slept for a few hours. I decided that I was going to go the doctors even if it made me super anxious. I had questions and insecurities to deal with.
I forgot to eat before we left so my stomach was understandably churning and I kept telling myself that was why I was nauseated. One of the things about my social anxiety is fears of throwing up in front of people. You can say the doctor is the best place to throw up but for me that just doesn’t click. Anyhow I was only in the waiting room for about 5 minutes before I was taken to room. I was honestly surprised since I was a walk-in.
The nurse was not really that friendly though he was a bit of eye-candy. Would have been cuter if he was friendly. He did the whole blood pressure and temp thing which I was pleased was fairly normal. Then I waited for close to an hour for a doctor to come and see me.
I have hay fever. It’s making my eyes, ears, nose, throat and a couple other places messed up. So I guess I’ll be adding some over the counters to my daily regimen.
Anyhow that was pretty boring right..
*if you are under 18 don’t read below*
I have this thing that happens every so often and it is honestly really remarkable but I wanted to make sure that it didn’t mean something was wrong with me. This morning I woke up to an intense orgasm. *look ma no hands*. My body just did it to itself. I knew it happened to men but apparently it can happen to women too. This is the 4th time this has happened. I’m sharing because well do I not share what’s going on with my day. Also it started my day off in a good mood for a change. Not sure if it will last but I can say what a nice way for it to start LOL.
I was up until at least 6:00am hubby stayed up with me while we started watching Arrow.. Good show so far. He got pissed at me though cause every five minutes I would ask him to scratch my back. I’m itchy. Not so bad right now but I am trying to learn to moisturize and maybe wear sun screen since I already have a horrible scar on my back from skin cancer.. I’ll show it sometime.. anyhow.. ya that was my long ass day.
I’m tired and still feeling crummy. I went to the walk-in clinic to see if they could help and they were closed. Will go tomorrow before their end of day closing. I’ve been avoiding going because I am afraid they are going to tell me something is wrong or tell me nothing is wrong. This cough though is getting super annoying. I thought my chest might be okay since I can sing a long note but I can’t keep putting things off. Admittedly I would just love to shove everything in a box and deal with it when we get back to Omaha but I don’t know that this will weight. That has nothing to do with posting though. I’m positing because I am starting to feel an affection to the people who read and comment on my blogs.
I always feel that people honestly care when they are leaving comments for me and I will the warmth of a hug when one is passed my way. I feel that I am very lucky. I had planned to write this blog as a way to vent and keep track of my moods and instead feel like I am becoming a part of a community. A community that doesn’t there there my hurts when I express them. This was not anything that I ever thought I would even want let alone need. I think I do though.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I wish I could single out people and say the wonderful things they have said, but I have a fear of leaving someone behind and that never feels good.