The new insurance company is giving us a hassle about the Rexulti I take and to pay for it out of pocket would be 900 dollars a month. This mixture of meds that my doc has me on is finally working, I don’t want to have to change it. I’m so pissed off right now. I’m down to 3 pills and I’m waiting for my shrink to get back to me about samples or getting the meds approved. I hate waiting and especially when things are this close to being out. I don’t know what the withdrawal symptoms will be but I know just going off a med it a bad idea. We’ve all done it.
Other than that stress my mood is pretty good. I haven’t been smoking any weed and just living each day. I haven’t quit I just wanted to make sure that I am getting the most of of my medications. In Feb I’ll start smoking again and see if that effects how my mood is. If it turns out to be a bad thing I’ll just quit. I mean I managed to make it through the holidays without weed or alcohol so I imagine I can do anything if I put my mind to it. Though there is nothing like smoking some weed putting on the headphones and just chilling. I tried it without the weed and it was still good but I enjoy it more with.
Anyhow that’s it for today!
Today I woke up depressed as usual. Hubby decided to put New Girl on Netflix and we watched several episodes and while I wasn’t laughing like him, I felt things lighten a little. Then I got hungry and he went out and picked me up something to eat. He really is a dear even though he can piss me off like no one else. Speaking of which when he came home he did something that pissed me off. I couldn’t let go of it and right now the pissed off feeling still lingers.
Thing is it was something stupid and trivial. I know I should just let it go but my body really loves to hold on the that anger. Or is it the brain? Probably both. I know I’ll calm down eventually but for now I am just pissed that I almost felt good and it’s gone now. FUCK!
Today I woke up in a bad mood. It just seems to be getting worse again .. I’m bitchy as hell and of course I’m taking it out on the one person who is always in my corner. He’s really pissing me off though.
Everything is pissing me off.
This blog is pissing me off.
Facebook is pissing me off.
LIFE is pissing me off.
So pissed off.. I need a med update..
45 mins to midnight and I remembered to write my blog, woot! Okay so no actual woot. I’m feeling super bitchy. I’m sitting here eating cotton candy and just feeling very frustrated.
I thought I might be coming out of my depression but I’m still finding it hard to find happiness. You know there are dribs and drabs here and there and I probably should just enjoy what I’ve got, but I’m greedy and want to feel more than a moment of happiness. I want a day, maybe a week. That would be awesome.
I think I need to have more meds added back in. I was hoping that I wouldn’t need to do that, but I can’t deal with bitchy. It makes me push away the person I love in the world. Tomorrow is another day.
Today I am feeling a little better, though the fact that I have missed writing in my blog a couple times this week pisses me off.
I’ve noticed I am quick to get angry over the stupidity of humans. Like super pissed. Today this guy decided that a stop sign meant nothing to him, luckily for us we were moving at the right speed that he didn’t cause any problems. I flipped him the bird and shouted.. I’m so glad I’m not a driver, I might have run into him on purpose to show him what a dumb ass he was.. fucker..
Anyhow today I am spending the day doing thing that I enjoy. Like watching anime and playing on the computer with my hubby. There is a nice light rain and it’s comfortable, you know that feeling I hope?
Anyhow that’s my blog for the day and I’m sticking to it.
I’m in such a bad mood and I’m angry. I have no idea why, well other than my dealer sucks right now..
Supposed to be family night but mom in law is watching the niece and sis in law hasn’t shown or answered my text. Nothing is going right today.
I could punch someone.. Actually I am going to go and punch the shit out of my punching bag. later…
Today I am angry. I woke up and felt so anxious that I screamed at the top of my lungs scaring the shit out of my poor dogs. It helped a little I suppose.
Most of the day has just been spent on the web trying to find things that might make me smile or laugh.
I love animal pictures and stories. You know the happy ones. Of course I came across some sad ones that were also happy, you know like a dog getting abandoned and then getting rescued by some kind souls.
I almost hate people who hurt animals. They fucking love us with everything, we should treat them as good as they were our own children. The fact that people can be like that just makes me wonder if the world wouldn’t be better if all the humans were gone.
I’m angry that my mind has so much control over me. I mean I know it controls everything but I’m talking about those voices that constantly talk in our heads. I’d like my brain to give me an atta girl once in a while, would be nice.
I plan on being 2 more days without weed. It has made no difference other than I can’t eat as much and since I am losing weight I would like to keep going. I am over 50 pounds down now. I guess that is an accomplishment. Would be much better if I could stop hating myself.
Today has not been a good day for me. I’ve had a lot of anxiety. I mean a lot. I have tried to keep my mind occupied but it only works for a short period of time and then it creeps back. I forced myself to go out for a walk with hubby to burn some of my extra anxiety. It helped for a little bit.
I’m annoyed and sad and actually a little angry for feeling like shit all the time.
Have I mentioned that sometimes I get so in my head that I can’t eat. I find everything disgusting. I don’t even want sweets. The good news is I’m down on my weight, the bad news is I can only really eat when I”m high. I didn’t smoke today so I can’t eat. This is probably only the fourth or fifth time I’ve gone a day without smoking but it really makes a difference. I can tell because today I haven’t smoked a thing. I want to but I want to prove that I don’t need it. Know what I mean?
Tomorrow’s got to be a better day,
I am so sad all the time. Even when I am stoned I still get flits of grief that make themselves through. I don’t know how to deal with any of this. The person I would normally talk to is the one dying.
I’ve worked on her painting, I’ve written her a hand written letter. I’ve cried numerous tears. It hurts so much. What do you do when you are losing the second closest person in your life.
Every time my phone rings I’m terrified that her husband is calling to tell me she has passed. I can’t even begin to imagine how he feels or even how my BFF feels if she is even aware of what is going on. I kind of hope she doesn’t. The dementia may be a bit of a blessing in this case. I don’t know if that is though.
This is going to hurt for a long time.
I think that I am doing better today. I don’t have that evil little ball of rage eating my stomach up.
Last night to take care of it I had a couple margerita’s at dinner, it helped mellow me out. I can see how easy it would be to become an alcholic, I could do it easily. I know that it makes things better for a short time. So I drink a little more than normal during the holidays.
BTW for those saying lighten up. That is not something that comes naturally to me and when someone owes you 5000 dollars and then pushes you around passive agressively while spending money on crap and not making an effort to pay you back at all. I lost my feeling grateful when all that shit went down. I feel how I feel. WE never ever put her out and do all her little hints that we can to make sure she is happy. It gets to be a little much.
Okay maybe that ball is still there but it isn’t raising my blood pressure and making my eye tick anymore which is something.
I can’t wait until we get our own place so I know which feeling are natural and which are bipolar. It’s impossible to tell at the moment. All I know it most days I am depressed or angry. I didn’t want to waste my therapy money on it so now I just vent to hubby and hope for the best.
Hopefully the med increase will help calm me down.