BFF

Lots O Things

Today is the birthday of my BFF. She’s been dead for over a year so when her birthday comes up it hurts a lot. I miss her so much. She really knew how to motivate me.

MY visit with my mom is going OK even though I feel like I am coming down with a cold or something.

Saturday we are having a paint and wine night. That should be fun ­čÖé

Still taking my new meds even though the insurance company denied my prescription I will have to rely on samples I guess until we switch insurance companies at the top of the year.

Well that’s it, nothing exciting.

Forgot to mention I am non-stop anxious. Fun fun.

 

Family Dinner 2

Tonight is the night mom & sis in law come over for dinner. I’m actually looking forward to seeing some people. I have been dreading it before now.

Physically I am starting to feel a little better. It’s nice to not wake up with a head full of cotton for a change. My allergies are so shitty.

Today I’ve swept the front porch and ordered my new cell phone. I rocked that call. I was funny and outgoing it seemed like I was a completely different person.. Well I’m always a little funny. ­čśŤ

I’ve decided when I get my new phone I will start going out at least once a day and taking a picture of whatever I see. So there will likely be photos along with my blog posts. ┬áI’m posting the idea here because it makes me more accountable. Me and my BFF did this once before. It was on my other blog, but I’m trying to work on just this one for now.

I miss her so much. She was so good at kicking my ass and keeping me motivated. I want to do this for her, I want her to see from where ever she is now and be proud of me.

Sunday

I both love and hate Sundays. I love spending time with hubby. Sundays we probably spend the most time together. We’ve been watching the last two seasons of Supernatural that we have DVR’d. It’s enjoyable, passes time and I get to look at two extra cute guys. LOL . The reason I hate Sundays┬áis I know Monday is coming and hubby will leave to go to work and I’ll be wandering the house for the next week. Hubby┬áis getting 9 days off in a row next week though so I just have to make it past this one.

I haven’t done much else today except for realize that I’ve really let myself go. I need to start working on everything. However that is overwhelming so I will likely start with one thing at a time. It’s easier to focus for me if I introduce stuff slowly. I’ve already been working on my diet. Now I am going to be working certain muscles out every single time I think about it. Which I hope is a lot, I’m not setting alarms for it though as it is easier to just do it the second I start thinking about it.

I removed a Facebook page I liked yesterday. It’s all pro animal and often shows videos of rescues. I love the rescues and the babies finding their new homes. I hate seeing what people will do to an innocent. It makes my stomach and heart hurt like no one business. I am one of those people that usually bury my head in the sand so I don’t find out about the bad things going on in the world. I mean my brain is already my greatest enemy, who needs the scum of the earth added to my already fragile mind.

Ever wanted to make a difference, have no idea where to start and feel that your social anxiety/agoraphobia will stop you from doing anything of value.

My best friend Dani who passed last year would foster animals and go to pet adoptions to help out. Even with fighting cancer she stepped out and did really good things. ┬áI wish I was more like her. She was so brave. I could handle the animals it’s the people I am terrified of. ┬áI need to get past this fear, I’m 47 I think it is about time I did something with my life.

 

Mondays are Taco Night

Every Monday I have my sister in law, mother in law and a friend of the family all over for taco night. We play some games, eat some tacos and have a generally good time.

I’m glad I am doing it today because I am feeling really lonely.

I remember my best friend saying I could contact her whenever I was feeling lonely. Yet she’s gone and I’m here and I’m lonely.

It seems to be even harder after a good weekend with my husband. I’m glad I chose Mondays for this.

I didn’t write all weekend cause I was having a good time with hubby enjoying life. We walked and talked and hung out.

My Best Friend Is Dead

At around 3:30am Saturday morning my best friend lost her fight with cancer. It doesn’t feel real and when it does all I can do is cry. My head just keeps popping to things I would talk to her about and I know I won’t be able to ever again. Ever. Like that’s it, shows over. I will be alone.

I know that seems like a weird thing to say because I have a wonderful husband but she is the one that kept my shit on track and I never got mad at her once for saying how she really felt I was being, feeling, doing etc.

I now have 0 friends.

It hurts so much I can’t even describe it. Feels like someone is tearing at my soul. That’s the best I can do to try to explain.

I don’t know what I am supposed to do now.

I’m alone.

I Don’t Know What To Do

I am so sad all the time. Even when I am stoned I still get flits of grief that make themselves through. I don’t know how to deal with any of this. The person I would normally talk to is the one dying.

I’ve worked on her painting, I’ve written her a hand written letter. I’ve cried numerous tears. It hurts so much. What do you do when you are losing the second closest person in your life.

Every time my phone rings I’m terrified that her husband is calling to tell me she has passed. I can’t even begin to imagine how he feels or even how my BFF feels if she is even aware of what is going on. I kind of hope she doesn’t. The dementia may be a bit of a blessing in this case. I don’t know if that is though.

This is going to hurt for a long time.

I Hater Being Alone

Hubby hasn’t had to travel at all since we moved into the house. I was really hoping that he wouldn’t have to do it again. I get lonely and scared.

We found out that he has to travel this week and I have to be by myself for a couple of days. I’m having anxiety just thinking about it. I know I can do it though. I’m strong!

My moods have been semi stable. There has been some depression, but it’s not that bad. Yes I’m sad and want to crawl into bed and do absolutely nothing at all. I’m trying to work past it though.

I’ve started on the painting for my BFF I think it is turning out okay so far. It’s hard to judge when I’m depressed because I am my own worst critic but I hope it turns out wonderful┬áas she is a wonderful person.

At Home Again

The drive home was good, nothing special happened and we made it home safe and sound. I had a good day and my mood was good.

I am however exhausted and can’t find my laptop wifi thingy to really be able to write on my blog so I am gonna keep it short.

Once again, loved seeing my BFF it made the whole trip worth it. She felt so good to hug. This is what family (good family) feels.

Day 3 In Dallas

I got to see my BFF again and it was absolutely wonderful to be able to hug her and tell her I love her. I can’t wait to see her again, it’s the only thing that made this trip worth it to be perfectly honest.

I’m highly stressed right now about travelling home. I can’t wait to leave in the morning but the traffic here is frightening. Plus there may be snow and ice when we hit Nebraska again. That makes my tummy hurt big time.

Hopefully tomorrow I’ll be writing this saying I got home safe and sound. For now I am going to try and relax and mentally prepare for the trip home and being able to sleep tonight.

I did go out to dinner tonight so I did accomplish something at least…

Day Two In Dallas

Yesterday turned out pretty good.  I got to visit with my BFF and hug her. It felt so good to finally be so close to her. We talked for a couple hours and it felt so natural. I am not sure what I was so nervous about.

The rest of the time was pretty boring. Like today has been so fucking. I am not experiencing much difference than when I am in Omaha. Except I keep getting little jolts of anxiety and I’m kind of dreading the drive home. I still have a whole other day of this. I wish I was brave enough to go out by myself.

Being stuck in a hotel room for three days is not something I think I will do again. The next time hubby has a trip I think I’ll just stay home and be bored there. Sure I won’t get to sleep with him but I will feel more comfortable.

I have this feeling that something bad will happen constantly popping into my head. It’s so annoying. Hubby still won’t be back for another 3 hours. Plus I’ve been waking up earlier then I do at home which is making the day even longer.

If anyone has any suggestions of what a person stuck in a hotel room can do with herself, I’ll gladly take it into consideration, cause this just blows… Maybe I’ll get hubby to take me out tonight to at least get some fresh air.