As you may know my best friend died not too very long ago. Yet in the past two weeks I have also lost my 4 year old yorkie Ren and my Grandmother.
Ren was my baby. It was a tumor that came on suddenly and there was nothing anyone could do as it was interwoven with all her organs. I loved that little girl so much. People who consider their animals their children can empathize with this I’m sure. It’s left a painful hole in my heart.
My Grandmother’s passing was not as much of a shock but it made me realize that if I don’t make some changes in my life I am going to have a lot of regrets. I haven’t seen a lot of my family in over 14 years, her included. All because I was too afraid to go through the steps that allowed me to enter Canada.
I have to renew my green card and when I do I am also going to make sure as hell that I can go over the border to see my family asap.
I have always been superstitious about the power of three. This has only made it stronger. 3 females in my life dying from cancer within months and days of each other how can I not?
When the grieving stops, the healing and changes will begin.. wait and see.
At around 3:30am Saturday morning my best friend lost her fight with cancer. It doesn’t feel real and when it does all I can do is cry. My head just keeps popping to things I would talk to her about and I know I won’t be able to ever again. Ever. Like that’s it, shows over. I will be alone.
I know that seems like a weird thing to say because I have a wonderful husband but she is the one that kept my shit on track and I never got mad at her once for saying how she really felt I was being, feeling, doing etc.
I now have 0 friends.
It hurts so much I can’t even describe it. Feels like someone is tearing at my soul. That’s the best I can do to try to explain.
I woke up in a good mood, still feeling happy about my hair cut.
I played on the computer for a few hours and had some fun. It seemed like a really good kind of day.
Then I got a message from my BFF saying she was upset with me. Rightly so. I haven’t been there for her like I should mostly because I’m afraid. Ever since I found out her cancer came back, I’ve been terrified. I’m afraid of losing the only other person that I love unconditionally besides my husband. I admit it makes me a coward for turtling myself into a shell and hiding.
I hope she forgives me for being so stupid. It hurts me to think that I might have hurt her in any fashion. She is going through more than enough, she doesn’t need my bullshit on top of it.
In a perfect world I would spend every day with her and we would be happy and healthy.
I went and got my blood test done today. It hard, I had almost talked myself out of going. I almost talked myself out of taking the lithium all together. I did it though. I walked into the lab by myself and waited to get it done, I was talkative with the tech student who took my blood. This was hard for me but I did it. My mental illness can only do so much to me I need to fight back. There are more important things to do then let it control me.
Today I am sad. I am not depressed. I am sad. Yesterday I found out that my best friends tumor is growing again. I love her so much. I don’t want her to suffer in any way. I want her to be happy and healthy. I know we don’t always get what we want but if I could rub something and get one wish, it would be for her to be cancer free.
It kept me up all night thinking. Life is short.. Too short.. We never know what is going to happen. We need to make the most of it. I need to stop being afraid of everything.
I get to meet her face to face in June and there is not a word to describe the happiness that I feel about it. I am also painting her a painting to bring. I hope I get it done in time and that she likes it.
Dani is my best friend, she is my sister, she is my family, she is my support system, she always makes me smile even when I am down. I will be with her forever. I will support and love her, listen and joke. I will leave her be when she needs it and I will be here when she is ready to talk. I can’t wait until I can hug her. I love her unconditionally.