Month: August 2014

I Am Always Afraid

Tonight we had some horrible weather. Some warnings, some lightning and thunder. Luckily we never had a tornado hit, we even though we are still under a severe thunderstorm weather until 2am, so it not even being 9:30 its gonna be a long ass night.

The anger is still lurking, I’m just deeply unhappy and unsatisfied. I am happy when I am out of the house but then within a couple of hours of being back the darkness starts coming back again.

I got angry tonight at this painting that just hasn’t been going the way I like it. I asked hubby for a steak knife and stabbed the shit out of it. I didn’t feel any real malice but it felt somewhat relieving.

I want to cut my hair short and dye it pink and blue, but hubby wants me to keep it long. I don’t know if I want to keep it that way for him for change it for me. I mean he’s all I got and if he somehow found me less attractive I don’t know what I would do, I mean I’m already fat and old.. maybe I shouldn’t. I’m so torn.

I put one of my pictures up on a site to sell, for some reason I can’t get it to print above picture size but I think that it will be awesome if I can figure it out. I am going to make a print for my MIL because she really liked it. I hope she was being honest and not just kind.

Thursday seems like a long time off and tomorrow family is coming over for the holiday Monday. I must just keep breathing and stay calm..

Breathe, breathe, breathe..

oh and my fucking neck seems to hurt worse now then before I got it cracked. WTF.

I’m Such A Bitch

I am so grumpy. I’ve noticed all I have been doing the last few weeks is bitching about this or bitching about that. I’m surprised my husband can even tolerate me.

I’ve also been painting as you know I’ve finished about four so far and I’m working on three more, maybe more I’m just really enjoying it. I’ll post more pictures soon.
I do have a photo to post tonight that makes me giggle every time I see it as I think it is worded poorly, tell me what you think!
I personally don’t want that big of a shot :p

Tonight I was also working on a piece of art which is a mix of two pieces I have done. I rather like how it turned out.

Anyhow I’m keeping it short, gonna chill with hubby and try to think positive thoughts. Only 5 more days until therapists. I’d go twice a week if I could!

I’m Sorry, Should I Sell?

image Do you think this art is good enough to sell on Etsy? I have some other pieces done as well and I would love to be able to contribute to the house but I don’t know that anyone would really want to buy my art. Anyhow I welcome any opinions! Be genteel though.

On another note I’ve noticed that I apologize constantly for everything. Icing on my face, I’m sorry. Tripped up the stairs, I’m sorry. I’m hungry, I’m sorry. Having to pass someone excuse, oh I’m sorry. Always saying I’m sorry. I don’t understand it at all.
I’m so all over the place, I am definitely being 100% bipolar! maybe even tri or quadruple.. Ugh..

Nausea, Anxiety and Relief

I went to the chiropractors and 15 mins later I walked out and was feeling some relief. He explained my chest muscles are stronger then my back muscles and it was making my neck and body all off. He cracked the shit out of me. I thought he was gonna spin my neck around as he made it make sounds that I didn’t know it could. He showed me some exercises to work on my back muscles and stretch my chest muscles. I don’t need to go back until I have been doing the exercises for a few weeks!

I went out to breakfast with my mom in law afterwards it was nice and we had a good time conversing and joking with one another. Then we went shopping at Walmart and I bought her these cute solar mushroom shaped lamps for her birthday plus the exercise things I needed. There was no anxiety, it was very relaxed.

When we came home I was more relaxed then I had been in a while and I did some painting then just played around on my iPad chilling, going for a short walk then playing on my iPad some more. We decided the three of us would go to chilis and mom and I drove there to meet hubby and all was still good. We went in, ordered drinks and food and then I started feeling a little nauseated. I am having some drainage and I made the mistake of ordering strawberry lemonade without having any acid reducer. I just stated worrying about throwing up. As a lot of you may know being sick in public is one of the things I am most terrified of.

Needless to say that it started an anxiety spiral and the rest of the meal was ruined for me, I am still feeling kind of gross but hopefully it will calm down. Plus I start my Xanax tonight so that’s about it!

Anxiety and Back Pain

I’m anxious about going to the chiropractor tomorrow. I am hoping to find relief but often worry about the bad things that can happen. I never looked anything up because I hope my imagination is worse then reality 😀

Hubby is home today which is really nice. I miss him since we don’t spend as much time together as we used to. I love that man so much. He is my world. 

There is a lot of storming going on which is making it hard for me to sleep unless it is during the day. I thought that I missed the rain but not enough to put up with the storms. Thunder, lightening and wind.. Nothing relaxing about it.

I’m painting, but am super unhappy with the one that I painted for my mom in law, I think I will have to make another one.

Now on an unrelated note, I am posting it here because it is pissing me off. The whole ice bucket for ALS thing? It’s awesome a bunch of people are doing stupid shit to bring awareness to it but hey how about you speak with more than your idiocy and donate yourselves as well?

I would prefer people donated to bipolar research then did videos kicking strangers in the nuts to bring awareness to it.  Maybe that is just me and is of course a silly comparison but no more silly then not putting your money where your mouth is.

Anyhow that’s my rant.

Murder She Wrote

I am so moody. It is really pissing me off. I have gone from sadness to pure rage. I haven’t felt rage in a long time. I realize that it is good that I am feeling again. The numbness was unbearable! I think that having to learn to feel again is always incredibly hard. You don’t know if your medications are making any difference because they typically take 3 weeks at minimum.

I am sure if the antidepressant works I will still need to take a mood stabilizer just to keep things on an even keel. Getting rid of the depression just opens up all the other over the top emotions I feel. I want to get my shit stable enough to be able to at least work at a part time job.

I realized talking with my husband while we walked tonight that I am feel useless. I don’t feel that I really contribute to our lives. I know that I make him laugh and smile but is that enough? I am always making things worse. I spend money when we need to be saving it. I seem to always constantly be having medical shit going on. 

I feel worthless. I hate it 😦

I’m Lonely It Sucks

Today my husband went back to work. Mom in law went back to watching the niece and nephews and the house is quiet and lonely. I don’t know that I will be able to work or volunteer but I would like to have interactions with people instead of always waiting for someone to come and visit or come home from work.

It makes me sad that i need to be with other people so much. I mean I think it is wonderful that I dont want to shut myself off with my crazy. I want to share. It’s one of the reasons that I blog. The loneliness is hard though. It makes my heart ache. I wander around trying to push keep myself busy.

I went outside and it made my eyes tear up as I heard the slight hum of someone mowing their lawn in the distance and it made me crave small talk. Hows the weather? What did you think of the storm last night? Are you looking forward to fall? That sort of thing.

I did do a painting today, I rather like it!

photo (1)


True Blood WTF

I’ve watched it from th beginning. I’m embarrassed to admit I’ve read every book and whole the show has gone to complete shit the last few years I was so disappointed how they ended it. I won’t say how because I don’t want to ruin it for anyone but omg it sucks hella balls.

Today has been interesting I am conspiring applying to work at michaels. I’ll see if this is a manic episode. I am feeling creative and I am wanting to do a lot of things but I don’t know if they are me. I love creating don’t get me wrong. It’s the other things that I want to do.

I am gonna see the chiropractor because I don’t know how I am gonna feel emotionally until I am feeling better physically. Fingers crossed I get in Tuesday as opposed to Thursday cause I am in sooo much pain..

Why does TV suck so much dick lately? Just saying.

I’m In A Hallows Mood

I love Halloween,it’s my favorite holiday. Everyone is starting to sell decorations and clothing related to it. I even purchased a beta fish Halloween tank that comes with a black light. I did not buy a fish because it would just be a pain to move the damn thing but I’m gonna super prepared for next year.

On a non Halloween note I bought these super cute hit pink sneakers. They are called air walks. I guess they were really popular in the 80s for me hot pink is popular any time. They also had Peter Pan get away boots which I had to get a pair of. The 80s was my favorite decade I don’t mind if it comes back around!

I’ve always been super girly and I dig the clothes that are super feminine. When I lose some more weight I am gonna get some cute heels!!!

I’ve had a lot of positivity today. I’m in a lot of pain because something is out in my upper back. I am seeing a chiropractor on Thursday. Hubby says it is pretty swollen so I hope that I can get it corrected. I’m telling ya, I’m tired of feeling like shit.

New Pills and Art

Michaels is having a sale on canvases so I bought a ton of new ones to paint on. Currently I have the black done on a large pain tingling I am working on. I aml hoping to do a creepy halloweenie like painting.
I also went and saw my shrink and therapist today and all Both spots went well. My therapist is helping me trying to figure out how not to be afraid of being mortal and my psychiatrist suggested I try Xanax xr twice a day to help with the anxiety since the clonezapam doesn’t seem to do anything. I am also going to be starting to take Latuda which is a medication made specifically for bipolar depression. It can have some shitty side effects but it can work pretty damn well so I am going to try it and see what happens.
Anyone tried it? Would love to here how it works for you?