I think I’ve probably said multiple times how I just love to dream. They are always so vivid and realistic. I have such a hard time getting up in the morning because I enjoy them so much. I can continue a dream where it left off so if I have to wake up in the middle of the night I just go back to it. Apparently not everyone can do this, so it makes me glad.
My mood yesterday was down right bitchy. My dog Charlie is being a particularly picky eater right now but the dogs have to be on the food they are on because of Ren’s pancreatis. (not sure how it’s spelt). So anyhow the little bugger will starve himself until he feels sick then throws up. I don’t know what to do about it. I might have to feed them separately. As it is, I have to sit on the floor with them to make sure Charlie does eat when he will. I would have to do it even more to keep Ren out of his food. *sigh*
I didn’t go to my shrinks yesterday because of the bad mood and some tummy issues. I hate having to change it, but what are you supposed to do when you need to stay close to the washroom? Bah.
Well since I’ve been writing for a full year and two days. I plan to keep writing every day this year as well. I hope that I can get up two years. I might miss a day or two when I move but I hope to find wifi I can hook into to at least post something.
My mood today is anxious. I haven’t been able to completely relax and I can feel that I could easily lose my temper. I’m what I like to call itchy, not quite bitchy but the itch is there. I don’t want to do things I don’t want do. I don’t want to be told my opinions don’t matter. I don’t want to listen to what other people have to say. I know these things will bring out the capital B.
I’m trying to keep my temper. I am trying to remain calm.
I’m not feeling great physically. I’m not feeling great emotionally. I am anxious about our trip. I’m anxious about feeling bad and I feel like all my nerves are on edge. I hate this feeling.
Maybe it will be better tomorrow.. maybe..
I haven’t been in the best of moods lately as you know. Today I thought for a moment it might have actually lifted. I managed to keep busy and not dwell on sitting alone by myself for yet another day. I wasn’t ready to kill someone either.
Needless to say my mood fooled me again. About 20 minutes before my husband came home I get recklessly angry. You know where you could easily hurt someone if you didn’t concentrate completely on keeping control of your anger. This is my mania coming through. It’s a step down from depression to be perfectly honest. At least with depression I am only dangerous to me.
My stomach hurts from keeping poison words in and not letting myself hurt the people I love with the words that can escape my lips.
I would kill for a punching bag right now. Definitely an investment to make once we get into the house for now I will just develop an ulcer while I just hope no one says anything to incredibly foolish to me.
I am absolutely cranky every day until I get out of the house. Once out my mood is lifted and I am in a good mood for rest of the day.
We went to Michael’s and I got some pencils and a few mores brushes for creating on my canvas’. I’m excited to start working on them.
My mom in law is thinking of moving out into a home that is the same model as the one that we will live in. It will be interesting to see how we each decorate our homes. We re both very different. She is even considering a lot right next door. You would think that it would bother me but I think it would be kind of cool. Would make holidays a breeze :D.. Ooh we could do an amazing two lawn Halloween decoration.
Tomorrow is therapy, I look forward to it a great deal and even my weekly lunch with my mom in law. Also we meet with the builders for our home, woot. I am so excited.
Hopefully tomorrow I don’t wake up cranky again. However it seems to be the norm. C’est la Vie.
Last night I went to bed sad and I woke up sad. I hate that. I went through a gazillion moods as usual. I can’t wait to talk to my shrink about the mood stabilizer. Hopefully using it and the Latuda together will work. I am willing to go through all the old school ones that I’ve tried before. Always gotta keep trying right?
I drove out to the lot again today it makes me feel good looking at my future. It seems to pick up my spirits. Just going outside in itself seems to make my mood better. A while after I step back inside again I start feeling negative emotions and it drives me fucking crazy.
I’ve been painting a lot though, almost have a few more done, I liked to work on several at a time. I have big plans for one of them but it’s a secret until I see if it works out or not 😉
Things will get better, they will get better… Still breathing.
Almost forgot I hit 200 followers today, that is pretty thrilling!!!
On Friday, September 5, 2014, Colleen Frazer wrote:
I realize that while I promised myself that I would write in my blog(on my blog?) every day for a year definitely isn’t easy.
Sometimes I have little to nothing to say and other times I run on and on.
I wish I wasn’t so snippy. One thing I noticed is that I have no tolerance for the little things Jim does that annoy me. It sucks because he is one of the most amazing men in the world. He shouldn’t have to put up with this crap!
I am so lucky to have him. He is the one thing that keeps me going everyday. Why am I being such a cranky bitch?
I was fine before I started back in fucking meds I was just sad all the time and honestly maybe that was better!
I am just so all over the place. I woke up this morning in an ok mood. Kind if middle of the road, which honestly I am totally fine with it. My moods started to go array after being oh for about a hour, grumpy, sad, happy, funny (well I am always funny :P) Mostly I was sad.
I sat down and listened to music and the song Wish from the anime Nana and just started bawling my eyes out, it’s like a waterfall started flowing from my tear ducts. My face was soaking wet and my heart hurt because of all the most ridiculous of things was I missed Nana. I’ve watched the Japanese version of it 3-4 times on netflix then they removed it. I wanted to buy the entire anime but it’s about 300.00 dollars for it all and I miss it. It gave me such joy.
There are things that have given me so much joy, simple things. The fact that money always seems to be the one factor that takes away joy. Though there at some free things that are going away again in time. Like for example Parks and Reecreation. It gives me a nice warm feeling in my tummy. It makes me feel kind of morose.
I’m gonna do something I haven’t done in a long time this week and go to a hair stylist. I am gonna get my hair cut and colored. I’ll put up a picture after, gotta share it all right?
Maybe tomorrow I’ll won’t cry, that would be nice.
I am so moody. It is really pissing me off. I have gone from sadness to pure rage. I haven’t felt rage in a long time. I realize that it is good that I am feeling again. The numbness was unbearable! I think that having to learn to feel again is always incredibly hard. You don’t know if your medications are making any difference because they typically take 3 weeks at minimum.
I am sure if the antidepressant works I will still need to take a mood stabilizer just to keep things on an even keel. Getting rid of the depression just opens up all the other over the top emotions I feel. I want to get my shit stable enough to be able to at least work at a part time job.
I realized talking with my husband while we walked tonight that I am feel useless. I don’t feel that I really contribute to our lives. I know that I make him laugh and smile but is that enough? I am always making things worse. I spend money when we need to be saving it. I seem to always constantly be having medical shit going on.
I feel worthless. I hate it 😦
I love Halloween,it’s my favorite holiday. Everyone is starting to sell decorations and clothing related to it. I even purchased a beta fish Halloween tank that comes with a black light. I did not buy a fish because it would just be a pain to move the damn thing but I’m gonna super prepared for next year.
On a non Halloween note I bought these super cute hit pink sneakers. They are called air walks. I guess they were really popular in the 80s for me hot pink is popular any time. They also had Peter Pan get away boots which I had to get a pair of. The 80s was my favorite decade I don’t mind if it comes back around!
I’ve always been super girly and I dig the clothes that are super feminine. When I lose some more weight I am gonna get some cute heels!!!
I’ve had a lot of positivity today. I’m in a lot of pain because something is out in my upper back. I am seeing a chiropractor on Thursday. Hubby says it is pretty swollen so I hope that I can get it corrected. I’m telling ya, I’m tired of feeling like shit.
So shut up and fuck me. This is the woman I have turned into.
As my husband lovingly strokes my arm I’m just not into it and say this is about orgasms not romance.
I love being touched don’t get me wrong. I could sit and snuggle for hours but I just don’t have the patience in the boudoir that I used to have.
Heck I am usually not in the mood for sex at all. Though in the past seven days I’d had it twice. Why? Purely selfish reasons. My own pleasure.
My husband will go weeks and weeks without anything then all of a sudden I say come here let’s do it. Am I ruining the experience for him and just breaking it down to the way a man wants it?
I so used to be into the romance and the tenderness but I just have no patience for it anymore. I don’t understand why. I honestly feel like a kid with ADD when it comes to sex.
I’m frustrated with myself because I want to want the romance. Not that hubby has ever been that great a romantic. He at least tried from time to time.
On an unrelated note yesterday I was in that super bitchy mood and still went out and took my pictures and something interesting happened. My bad mood went from almost getting out of the car to punch a selfish chick in the face, to being able to watch girls do what I call whore yoga in a park with amusement.
What is whore yoga you ask? It’s when young women dress in skimpy bikinis and the do head stands and other things that pretty much put themselves out for the world to see. Trust me girls that is not the way to get a husband.
Anyhow mood has been better since then. Not sure how it is going to turn out today but I’m curious to find out.