When I woke up this… well when I woke up today I felt like the clouds had parted a little. I’m not happy by any means, but I laughed and smiled today. I also have one hell of a temper today too though. I’m feeling emotional. I guess that is better than down right?
I hope that it means this depressive cycle is finally ending, it’s really been going on rather long and I’m super tired.
Today is family dinner night and my mother in law and niece are over for tacos. I’m finding it hard to socialize though. I kind of just want to crawl into myself and listen to music for a while. I put my music on while I’m writing my blog so I can feel lighter. Does that make sense? I have no idea anymore.
I walked to the mailbox which is halfway down the road, so that was my accomplishment for the day, though I suppose making dinner and socializing could count as accomplishments too.
The hardest thing about not having the weed is I’m having a hard time finding food I want to eat. I have to force myself to eat 350 calories at 10pm so that my Latuda works the way it is supposed to. I just find food really unpleasant at the moment, well for the last several months.
I dragged the back of a butcher knife down my arm wishing that I could cut it just a little. I know it’s not healthy. I wouldn’t admit that anywhere but here though. I don’t need anyone worrying about me more than they are already worried. I promised hubby I would go to the hospital if things get worse so he doesn’t need to know about my little fantasy.
I think I’m going to be OK this cycle. Maybe I’ll get a nice little break and hubby will be right about the weed fucking me up more than helping. I promised him a month. That’s all he’s getting though if he’s wrong.
I feel like I am just hanging on the edge of breaking down. I feel so broken, little tiny minuscule cracks just waiting for that final tap to send me tinkling to the flow like the shards of crystal from a dropped wine glass. If I didn’t feel it so strongly I would feel like it is merely me waxing poetic. However it just hurts.
I have moments of clarity where happiness shines through. They are short and often followed by anger about everything in my life. Only my wonderful husband and my house being built keep me going each day.
I don’t know what to do with myself or what to be. I feel like it is going to be a very long 6 months and I’m not entirely sure if I will make it. I’m just taking it day by day hoping that nothing pushes me to the point where I completely freak out on someone or something.
One day I will sit down and write all the things that are irking me for now, I will just say in miss music. I hear it now and often cry because I can’t listen to it the way I did when I was in my own home. I hated that apartment but I was at least free to be me.
I am just so all over the place. I woke up this morning in an ok mood. Kind if middle of the road, which honestly I am totally fine with it. My moods started to go array after being oh for about a hour, grumpy, sad, happy, funny (well I am always funny :P) Mostly I was sad.
I sat down and listened to music and the song Wish from the anime Nana and just started bawling my eyes out, it’s like a waterfall started flowing from my tear ducts. My face was soaking wet and my heart hurt because of all the most ridiculous of things was I missed Nana. I’ve watched the Japanese version of it 3-4 times on netflix then they removed it. I wanted to buy the entire anime but it’s about 300.00 dollars for it all and I miss it. It gave me such joy.
There are things that have given me so much joy, simple things. The fact that money always seems to be the one factor that takes away joy. Though there at some free things that are going away again in time. Like for example Parks and Reecreation. It gives me a nice warm feeling in my tummy. It makes me feel kind of morose.
I’m gonna do something I haven’t done in a long time this week and go to a hair stylist. I am gonna get my hair cut and colored. I’ll put up a picture after, gotta share it all right?
Maybe tomorrow I’ll won’t cry, that would be nice.
Last night I could not sleep. This happens quite frequently so if I make a lot of spelling errors I apologize.
The other night I said to my husband. Do you think I am mentally ill enough, I haven’t tried to kill myself in a while. This was a concern about talking to my shrink about ECT.
It’s not that I haven’t thought about it, I mean when I am depressed all I can think about is how tired I am of all this. However because I don’t have the extreme Mania that I did before it’s something I actually think about as opposed to just *bam* doing it. It scares me to think my mania is low when I spent 15000 dollars on crap in a 2 month period. I can’t even imagine what that would be like unmedicated!!
Back on topic. Last night I was feeling so off, kind of like watching myself from the outside. It’s so hard to describe. I hate when this happens as I am hyper aware of everything around me, tiny sounds, light, how every single part of my body feels. I was cutting boxes open with a knife and thought I bet stabbing myself in the leg would bring me back to being myself. I thought about it for probably 30 mins, then calmly put the knife down and walked away. Had I been unmedicated I would have likely just done it.
This I didn’t tell hubby about, I try to be completely honest with him about how I am feeling, but tend to hide instances where I think about hurting myself. I know I should share this, but I don’t want to have to go to the hospital. I’ve managed to avoid it so far over the years except for a couple of suicide attempts and would like to keep it that way. I need to be with my Boo, it keeps me grounded for the most part.
Yesterday I woke up feeling cheerful and hopeful, I talked my husbands ear off! I am sure he was quietly in his mind going omg woman shut up lol. The day before that I couldn’t even get out of bed, let alone talk.. I just wanted to sleep and forget the world around me, moving was a pain both mentally and physically. Depression is crippling and it makes me miss the mania.. I missed almost a week of my antipsychotic and it completely threw my emotions for a loop. I highly advise that you never ever go off your meds without the assistance of your doctor.
It always seem like a good idea to stop taking what I think is a poison that fills my veins, but it keeps me from completely ruining my life and/or killing myself. Even now with being on the meds I don’t have that much control over my emotions. People say to meditate or some other Zen type thing, but you have a gazillion thoughts racing through your head it is pretty much impossible..
Hopefully they will figure out my meds enough that I can have some semblance of a normal life.. I look forward to that day very much!