withdrawal

Day 8

My mood has been good except for sleeping in really late again. I almost forgot to write my blog tonight it was the complete last thing on my minds then poof it popped in.

The puppies good.

The withdrawal so far has been easy.

 

Day 3

Today has been an alright day. I’ve been antsy though, not sure if it is because of the withdrawal or I’m just tired of being home all the time. Could be a little of both. I haven’t really had any anxiety today and other than a few body aches it seems the slow removing of the rexulti is going as planned.

The puppy is having an awesome time, she loves playing with her new sister and brother. Charlie the male doesn’t usually play but he is actually smiling in that doggy way that dogs do. I have some great pics I’ll have to post them if I can get them off my phone.

I even painted my nails today. I’m not usually one to bother with it, I just grow my nails out and leave them au natural but I decided I wanted them to look pretty. Taking care of myself is a good thing, I don’t do it very well but it’s something I really need to do more of.

I can’t think of anything to write though my brain is kind of out of it. Perhaps this again is the rexulti withdrawal.  I sure hope it doesn’t last, having nothing to write is lame.

 

Day 2

I woke up a little pissy but it was because I only slept 2 hours at a time last night concerned the puppy was going to pee on the bed. She is pretty much pad trained but hasn’t learned that the bed is not the place to pee and she has peed on two different comforters, still way better than her sister Lilly who just pees wherever she wants.  I bought this little faux grass thing that sits beside the door and she uses it a lot too. I’m so impressed with how smart she is.

Later in the day my mood improved and so far I am not feeling any side effects from the withdrawal except maybe a little more anxiety. I can handle it though, I’ve had anxiety since I gave birth and that was about 32 years ago.  Have a mentioned I have a gorgeous grandson that is not quite two yet? Anyhow that is off topic. I have always had anxiety attacks about breathing. Which when your nose is plugged from allergies is even worse. Like I said I can handle it though, I am stronger than my anxiety.

Now if I could just get out of the house more but honestly I am terrified of the flu. It’s so bad this year and my immune system is not that great since I am rarely exposed to other people. I’ve been lucky so far and I’d like to keep it that way. So I’ll avoid going out for now. I do have to see my shrink on the 5th of February but what are you going to do right?

Anyhow that’s it for today.

 

Rexulti

So my shrink only gave me two sample packs of Rexulti which is only enough to last a week, as I take 3mg pills and these are ones and twos, so I am going to just wean myself off it and hope that it doesn’t hurt too bad. The withdrawal sounds like it is going to suck. I just don’t know what else to do, I know the appeal is going to fail or has already failed. I can’t afford 900 bucks a month. Wish I could.  So starting tomorrow I’ll be taking 2mg for 5 days, then 1 mg for 7 days. Then it will be done.

The pup is a handful as she is going none stop now. Constantly running, playing and biting. Damn her little teeth hurt so much, I am trying to train her to only chew on toys but my the bruises on my arms and hands mean I’m not being very successful yet. Little bugger was even pulling on my hair. She’s adorable though and when hubby gets home he gives me a hand with her. That’s how I get a break to write my blog, I could never have her up here where there is a gazillion cords for her to bite through.

My mood today has been kind of down. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and when I realized the doctor hadn’t given me enough rexulti I just got pissy feeling. I hate having to depend on other people because most times I find that you can’t.  I’m hoping tomorrow will be a better day and am looking forward to going to bed very much. Only another 2 hours to go!

Wish me luck!

Sick and Sad

I’m woke up crying and then spent the day in physical pain and stomach rolling illness. Is this because if the medication?

There are some theories that even being on the pills for a few days and quitting can make you ill, that sure does seem to be the case. Either way I am not much up to writing.

I did step out and got some hobby shit to do, hook rugs, paints, puzzles just things to keep my brain active on something besides itself.

I have no idea if they will help or if I will even attempt to do them. I guess we shall see. For now I am going to try and get some sleep so I can stop feeling like someone ran me over with an 18 wheeler.

Sleeping Ugly

Last night I didn’t have any sleep paralysis but I definitely struggled with my sleep.  I thought I will wait until that moment of feeling sleepy instead of letting it pass. I put on Frozen to listen to, this has sort of become a habit. Listening to Let it Go usually brings a certain calm to me and allows a release before sleeping now this may happen several times a night as I usually play the movie over and over dozing here and there.

Last night though it made me bawl. I was all snotty and watery and trying not to hiccup to hard as to wake hubby. This song that I had thought of completely differently made me think of it as a bipolar. Realizing that even though some people see my crazy I am not ready to let anything go. I’m trying but it sure isn’t easy. Oh yes, I was talking about sleep. After I shut the movie off I tried to sleep.

Anxiety attack. Doze, Anxiety attack. Doze. This went on for a few hours. I picked up my ipad and decided to read. I am absorbed in the book enough that I have forgotten my anxiety and get calm and sleepy. That really nice sleepy where you pull the comforters up around your shoulder and everything feels warm and comforting.

I shut off my Ipad and tried to crawl into the comfort dozing off bit by bit until you guessed it. Anxiety attack. These are happing during my REM, they are bringing me back out of my dreams to experience them. Nasty little buggers. Once I am awake that warmth and comfort is gone and it’s just a cold room where the dogs and my husband are on the other side of a king size bed that feels like miles and I’m achy and feel like shit. Eventually I got so tired I passed out with the help of some Benadryl. It’s 1 in the afternoon and I don’t feel rested at all.

I know part of it is the withdrawal. Right now my focus is so boxed in that I could be on a TV trying to look out at the real world. I feel unreal. I know it’s the depersonalization. I wish the doctors would be helpful with this. I hate it. I find it hard not to do stupid things just to prove I am here.

My Head Might Explode

My shrink called me last night finally. We decided to go off the Viibryd cold turkey and because my blood was so low to go up to 900mgs of lithium. I will start this Wednesday since my husband will be home and I hate increasing drugs when I am alone. The doctor told me I would have flu like symptoms, but since I have a sinus infection I just can’t get rid of I have more of a migraine and a body ache.

The sun is streaming in the window and I want to punch it in the face. I need a shower I have to wait for hubby to come home cause I am wobbly though. Last night I was just going to cut all my hair off, it’s a little below my shoulder blades. I thought I might shear myself like that sheep. I thought about it and didn’t do it though. Yet ,anyhow. I don’t want to be one of those fat old broads with short spikey hair. I would spike it. HA!

Today my creativity is all in a black swirling blob on the floor. I can’t think of anything to write on my other blog and here I just want to post about feeling like shit. I know its going to get worse. I know I am going to be alone for the worse of it.

On top of everything our house we rent out had some kind of damage done apparently during one of the wonderful storms Omaha is experiencing.. I want to move back there why? Oh ya home sick. Luckily hubby and insurance are taking care of it or it would stress me out, who am I kidding I’m still stressed out.

We drive home on the 25th of June with a short jaunt (2 day drive) to Texas to see my BFF. I am very excited about seeing her. I can’t wait to spend some time face to face with her.

I am however terrified of driving down tornado alley to get home. We are going to hit part of it regardless of the way things go. I hate tornadoes.

Sometimes it is hard for me to post because I only have a grade 8 education and feel inferior to everyone, I hate that.

Okay I am going to shut up now I realized that I am babbling.

I Am A Scary Bitch Sometimes

I keep messing my pills up cause my moods to be even more unstable. Mostly I am just sad all the time, but today I almost threw several things in a fit of rage.. Haven’t felt like that in a long time. I had to leave the house and practically speed walk around the block to calm myself down. The withdrawal pain and shakiness is horrible and I have a cold to boot!

I am mostly miserable with a touch of silly. Yep silly, I find some things funny but mostly feel grouchy.

I am not sleeping very well and I feel so out of control. I hate that feeling so much.

More notes on my mom and me. I think there is something wrong with me, I feel the need to give gifts almost for approval and was greatly hurt when I saw that she had given my younger sister the gifts I had given her.

I had a dress that I was saving for when I got to goal weight it was something I really loved. I realized that it would take me years to be able to get into it so last year I gave it to my mom, yesterday my sister was wearing it. I admit she looked lovely in it but I was so hurt. Then when she went out she just left it on the floor. So I did something horrible. I grab it and hid it where I can’t even reached it.

Do I feel bad, sadly no.. I wish I did, but it really hurt me.

I have no idea if I am just so uber sensitive that things mean more than normal. I mean I feel what I feel, I know I feel things way more intensely then a ‘norm’ so it is just frustrating.

I’m gonna go to bed and nurse this cold and wait for Friday to come.. God I want to punch someone in the neck!

Ow my brain hurts..

Yesterday I woke up feeling cheerful and hopeful, I talked my husbands ear off! I am sure he was quietly in his mind going omg woman shut up lol.  The day before that I couldn’t even get out of bed, let alone talk.. I just wanted to sleep and forget the world around me, moving was a pain both mentally and physically.  Depression is crippling and it makes me miss the mania.. I missed almost a week of my antipsychotic and it completely threw my emotions for a loop. I highly advise that you never ever go off your meds without the assistance of your doctor.

It always seem like a good idea to stop taking what I think is a poison that fills my veins, but it keeps me from completely ruining my life and/or killing myself. Even now with being on the meds I don’t have that much control over my emotions. People say to meditate or some other Zen type thing, but you have a gazillion thoughts racing through your head it is pretty much impossible..

Hopefully they will figure out my meds enough that I can have some semblance of a normal life.. I look forward to that day very much!