Sleeping Ugly

Last night I didn’t have any sleep paralysis but I definitely struggled with my sleep.¬† I thought I will wait until that moment of feeling sleepy instead of letting it pass. I put on Frozen to listen to, this has sort of become a habit. Listening to Let it Go usually brings a certain calm to me and allows a release before sleeping now this may happen several times a night as I usually play the movie over and over dozing here and there.

Last night though it made me bawl. I was all snotty and watery and trying not to hiccup to hard as to wake hubby. This song that I had thought of completely differently made me think of it as a bipolar. Realizing that even though some people see my crazy I am not ready to let anything go. I’m trying but it sure isn’t easy. Oh yes, I was talking about sleep. After I shut the movie off I tried to sleep.

Anxiety attack. Doze, Anxiety attack. Doze. This went on for a few hours. I picked up my ipad and decided to read. I am absorbed in the book enough that I have forgotten my anxiety and get calm and sleepy. That really nice sleepy where you pull the comforters up around your shoulder and everything feels warm and comforting.

I shut off my Ipad and tried to crawl into the comfort dozing off bit by bit until you guessed it. Anxiety attack. These are happing during my REM, they are bringing me back out of my dreams to experience them. Nasty little buggers. Once I am awake that warmth and comfort is gone and it’s just a cold room where the dogs and my husband are on the other side of a king size bed that feels like miles and I’m achy and feel like shit. Eventually I got so tired I passed out with the help of some Benadryl. It’s 1 in the afternoon and I don’t feel rested at all.

I know part of it is the withdrawal. Right now my focus is so boxed in that I could be on a TV trying to look out at the real world. I feel unreal. I know it’s the depersonalization. I wish the doctors would be helpful with this. I hate it. I find it hard not to do stupid things just to prove I am here.

I Feel Weird

I’m not super happy, I am not depressed. I can’t really explain the way I am feeling.

I’m smiling at things, I’m frowning at things. It’s weird. I hope this isn’t what normal feels like cause I won’t be having any of that.

I am still tired. I can not get enough sleep. Tons of REM, very little of anything else.

I need to go out today. I want to show an adventure with my pictures when I go out. Gotta keep up with the BFF ūüėõ

I don’t think this is normal cause it feels almost numb, I guess that would be closer to depression that anything. Blech is a good descriptive word.

Definitely having some disassociation going on. Maybe that is the full problem. The feeling that I am watching everything from the outside in. ..

I want to run.. like just leave and run and run and run.. sitting still just isn’t going very well for me right now.. Everyday it gets worse. I know it’s because I want to leave and go home to Omaha. It will get worse. Until I am like a kid who has had to much sugar.

God I wish I wasn’t so fucking fat so I could run and not worry about killing myself.. okay now I’m getting pissed off.. moods I tell ya

Wedding Day

I am tired, I managed to dose off about 3 times today only to be awoken rudely by the phone, pissed me off, but I went out played the slots and went to my mom in laws wedding, It made hubby and me decide that in 3 years we will do a re-commitment ceremony where I will wear an actual wedding dress and have the people I love there.. It was fun dressing up tonight for the wedding. I had to take a cab though which I didn’t like at all! However I am finding that if I just push myself I can do a lot of things, I am so tired though and my hands are shaking I am not sure if it is because of the lithium or the fact that I forgot my lamictal, but at least that is over with, the withdrawal isn’t too too bad I suppose. I cant wait to get home and really really write a blog, this laptop is uncomfortable and awkward… I cant wait to see my puppies, I miss then so much. Vegas would be more fun if we were able to go to shows, maybe next time. I went out of the room myself for about 30 mins while hubby still slept and won 60 bucks on the slots.. so it was a win win.. hehe

outside the chapel





Weird Things About Me

As I have said lately I haven’t been sleeping well. When I do it’s REM and it’s short, like repeating the same dreams over and over all night hoping to come to a conclusion of sorts.

My dreams have always been very vibrant and very real.  Last night as I was dozing off reality started becoming the dream. The walls changed, the things and people around me changed until I was in the dream. The colors got more vibrant, I could smell and hear everything very clearly.. then it shifted back to a dark bedroom with a snoring husband and two cuddled up dogs.

It was literally happening for moments at a time. Swapping back and forth. The dream of course moved forward bit by bit but this continued for many hours. I am so damned tired. I can not even drift off without me being aware that things are about to change yet again. It feels like a hellacious acid trip. I know from experience, not proud of it but I know exactly how acid made me feel. This is just exactly the same, except of course there is nothing funny about this at all.

Some people love the lucid dream. I usually love the fact that I have so much control while I am asleep, the fact that sleep and unsleep are crossing is what I have an issue with.

I don’t want to eat.. The thought of it makes me feel so sick. Everything tastes like shit. ¬†I have to do it so I do, then it sets off a torturous few hours of tummy troubles. My body is so pissed at me. I should probably go to the doctor, but right now I am considering cancelling my appointment for the new shrink.

My nerves are on edge. I feel shivery and terrified.. My stomach hurts. I’m afraid.

I told my husband I couldn’t promise I would go. I can’t. I don’t know that I just won’t call and cancel. I am so afraid of dying and so afraid of seeing doctors when I feel bad. I don’t know what to do.. I feel like I am going to break, snap, invert, disappear..

I feel so alone right now.

Maybe I’ll bake some cookies.. that fixes everything right? HA

I have a feeling I am going to ruin Vegas… fuck.

So Restless

I absolutely hate this. I can’t sleep at night and during the day I am just restless. Nothing seems to hold my mind for more than 30 mins at most.

I’m not unhappy but I am also not happy. I keep trying to do all the things that I usually love. Heck I have been trying to do these things for the last few months and they just hold no joy for me.

I want to go out but really there is no where to go since we are using all our ‘dating money’ for the Vegas trip.

I¬†did clean but it¬†was so overwhelming and honestly when I finish a room I don’t get that sense of accomplishment it just feels like I’ve made a tiny dent and I still have so much to do.

Have I mentioned that I have too many clothes? I have literally 7-8 garbage bags full of clothes. I can’t stand to part with them even though most don’t fit at present and I usually just wear pj’s most of the time.

I do have to go shopping at kohl’s tomorrow. I need pants for the trip, heck I need pants to leave the house period, all I have is yoga and track pants. Maybe I should wear them to the shrink so they can see just how much I don’t give a fuck about myself.

I won’t be lying to this one telling them I am fine when I am not.¬† I made that mistake with the last one. I need to get some real help.¬† I’m starting to get stressed about it though. We are doing a practice drive tomorrow so I can see where it is and how long it takes to get there. Hopefully long enough for my clonazepam to kick in..

I so hope they consider the ECT, I really want it and I just have a feeling that it will really help with my depression. Apparently it also helps with mania, so it could be a one-two shot. It’s worth some short term memory loss.

Hmm least I can write.. Blog done.

Not Really Me Right Now

Right now I feel like I am looking through a window cut into my skull, facing outside.¬† I hate the feeling. It’s like walking in a haze around you constantly. I would think this is the anxiety.¬† However I had a knock-down can’t breath panic attack this morning.¬† Hubby leaving me right now is hard. I am not mentally stable at all.

I am afraid of everything. I have abandonment issues.. These things are pretty normal. I thought that I was getting better but the stress and watching myself has taken over again. At this point right now I am honestly just kind of numb. I haven’t been out for 2 days. I am going out today, regardless of how shitty I feel.

I haven’t been getting past my REM cycle sleeping, I won’t even have the assurance of my husband laying beside me if the sleep paralysis comes.¬† I wonder if I am ever going to be self reliant at all. I certainly don’t seem like I am.

My husband said something to me yesterday which was, you’re a grown woman you are going to be 45 in a few days. To which I said to him, I may seem like a grown woman but inside I always feel like a 15 year girl.¬† Always.. it’s weird.¬† Everything is weird.¬† Why is everything so damned weird.

I’m just not me, I don’t even know who me is. I feel like I am never gonna find me. That time will stop for me before I figure out anything. I am just keeping hope that getting a new shrink and doctor will start bringing me back into my own space. Can help control my moods and maybe let me like myself..

Who knows, it’s only over when you stop trying right?

This is a dream I had.

There was a young girl named Tuesday whose mother was gone for long periods of time. She was very lonely as her father was always at work or out with his friends.

One day her  mother brought her home a purple teddy bear with a pink bow to keep her company and keep her safe.

The girl was thrilled and the bear made a wonderful friend! It protected her from the monsters in the closet and under the bed. It played with her when she was lonely and loved her like only a mother could. It did such a wonderful job in fact that she never noticed that her mom had never come home again after that day.

As she grew up she took the bear with her everywhere. It was even packed to take with her as she left for college.

When she got to her dorm room, she unpacked everything and realized the bear was gone. She searched frantically trying to find it but all she could find was a boring brown bear.  She called home to ask her father if he had seen it and he slurring told her that he had thrown it away.

She cried and cried, horrified to have lost the only friend she had ever had.

She walked through the halls of school looking frightened and sad a mere shadow of the happy girl that she used to be. She started noticing things around her, the people scared her and often she felt like at any moment she was going to die her heart pounding so hard in her chest she thought it would pop through.

The brown bear was no substitution and she always felt ill at ease in it’s presence.¬† Even though her father had given it to her as a replacement it didn’t hold the love and protection her purple bear had. It made her mind ask a question she never thought to ask before.

Where was her mother?

She called her father and he mumbled that he didn’t know, ¬†that she had disappeared years ago.

She started to see the monsters everywhere again. Threatening her, teasing her always making her feel unsafe.

She called family and the police but no one knew where her mother had gone.

She couldn’t handle school anymore so she returned home. Tuesday could see things with clear eyes, her drunken father, the house barely standing, filled with garbage and 100’s of bottles of all various kinds and shapes.

She searched every room in the house trying to find some hint of where her mother had gone and couldn’t even find a picture.

She realized there was one room she hadn’t checked and as she rushed to the door she realized it was locked and that for some reason it frightened her very badly.¬† She asked her father for the key but he said he had lost it before he fell asleep in a drunken stupor.

She sat in the floor in frustration, tears forming in her eyes when she saw her purple teddy in her minds eye. It gave her the idea to pick the lock since it was one of those old skeleton types that were so easy to open.

She took some bobby pins and poked and prodded until *click* the door creaked open. She sat for a moment catching her breath as her heart started to pound, her mouth got bitter as she could feel the bile building up in her throat. Then she stood up, tucked her chin and slowly walked up the stairs to the attic.

The room was bright, as the sun streamed through the windows. In the corner was a colorful chest and on top of it was her purple bear! She squealed with glee and pick it up hugging it to her chest and humming a happy song. The bear dragged her towards the chest and she ran forward her fingers pressing the buttons on the front.

It sprang open her throat catching a scream as her eyes caught the skeleton. The skeleton of someone she knew. She recognized the locket around it’s neck. This was her mother and held in her mothers arms was a purple bear with a pink bow just like the one she was given many years ago….

Hallucinations.. Fun.. Not!

Sorry I didn’t write yesterday I was trying to live a somewhat normal life and fight down a huge pile of anger that was building in me. Seems about right, weeks of depression, a couple days of happiness possible hypomania, anger then repeat? That’s usually the way it is anyhow. I can’t tell today.

I am exhausted. Last night I couldn’t sleep, no idea why, I was pretty good the few days before it. I of course got over tired and then at 6-7am I decided to take some Benadryl to help me sleep. As I lay in med waiting for it to hopefully assist me, I started seeing colors and tentacles and dozing to sleep paralysis , mixing and repeating until probably about 8-8:30 where I finally fell into REM sleep, I never got past it.. I feel like a zombie.

It’s funny how the colors, the tentacle and the monsters peeking around the corner only phase me enough in the state, to sleep with my back against my husbands so I got both sides guarded. The sleep paralysis though I don’t know that I will ever get used to it.

I suppose since it is occurring more and more often I will need to do some sort of sleep test, how does one with social anxiety who frequently has insomnia sleep in a room where they are hooked up to wires and being watched? Can’t see that happening

I’m suppose I will just nap when I came because this sleeplessness can go on for days and days. Sweeter Dreams to all.

Sleep where art thou

Last night I got a whole 3 hours sleep. 4 the night before. Isn’t it interesting when you are slightly manic that you need no sleep? I adore sleep though, my dreams are so wonderful. A side effect of my meds also give me insomnia. Staying up till all hours while my husband is tucked snoring away frustrates the heck out of me.¬† I’ve tried sleep aids, Ambien was the absolute worse, it gave me sleep paralysis. I had never heard of it and wish I had never experienced it.¬† So utterly terrifying not be able to move or speak at all. I think the Ambien glitched something in my brain because when I get exhausted it still happens.

In my dreams I can do anything. I am working on accomplishing that in Real Life but after being housebound for the better part of 20ish years the steps are slow. Taking the dogs to around the block is a huge undertaking and makes me very proud of myself.  I want to be able to go out and eat and play.. One of my main goals is to go to Disneyland.

I live in California and it’s like 30 mins away! The one bad thing about California at least in the area I live in, there are tons of skinny young woman. I’m going to be 45 this year and am overweight and feel so self conscious, it makes it harder for me to go out.¬† I just picture them making fun of me. I suppose that would make me vain to think they would care but I can’t help it. Anyhow I think I blathered on enough today!