September | 2015 | A Bipolars Reality

I have no idea what to do with myself. I feel like I am just stuck in a hamster wheel and can’t get off.

I’m lonely.

We got a new puppy which is killing some time, you know with training and having to keep an eye on her. You might think getting a new dog so soon after my baby girl Ren died might seem to soon but I had such a gaping huge whole in my chest that needed something at least wiggle around in there.

I’m 46, I need to do something with my life. I’ve realized that you never know when something is going to happen to you or someone you love. Why is this not kicking me in the ass to get motivated more? Is it the depression dragging me down. I don’t want to go down there. It’s dark and scary.

Right now is one of those times I wish I had a belief system. I have nothing to fall back on.

As you may know my best friend died not too very long ago. Yet in the past two weeks I have also lost my 4 year old yorkie Ren and my Grandmother.

Ren was my baby. It was a tumor that came on suddenly and there was nothing anyone could do as it was interwoven with all her organs. I loved that little girl so much. People who consider their animals their children can empathize with this I’m sure. It’s left a painful hole in my heart.

My Grandmother’s passing was not as much of a shock but it made me realize that if I don’t make some changes in my life I am going to have a lot of regrets. I haven’t seen a lot of my family in over 14 years, her included. All because I was too afraid to go through the steps that allowed me to enter Canada.

I have to renew my green card and when I do I am also going to make sure as hell that I can go over the border to see my family asap.

I have always been superstitious about the power of three. This has only made it stronger. 3 females in my life dying from cancer within months and days of each other how can I not?

When the grieving stops, the healing and changes will begin.. wait and see.