I didn’t want to write my blog today, it’s been a day of lounging around napping and trying to make the time go faster so I’m not alone.
Yet here I am writing the blog, because hubby reminded me and then reminded me I would likely be unhappy if I didn’t.
Today was hard to tell where my mood level was. Not up though.
Went and got my hopes up again yesterday. I woke up feeling just as crappy today as I have every other day but with less stress. I should feel happy about that at least but nope. I’m fucking miserable.
M I S E R A B L E
fuck.
This is probably the worst depression I’ve had in a long time and I’m so tired of putting on a happy face so no one else worries.
I can’t find anything positive. If you ask me what’s wrong, I couldn’t tell you other than I’m depressed. I just feel like curling up into a ball and staying that way forever.
Yep I’m on that steady decline. I missed my blog yesterday because I had company and my husband shut my alarm off again. Seriously his heart is in the right place.
I’ve been having more of my reoccurring depressive thingies happening, like foggy brain, tears, sluggish movements, sad scary thoughts, those classic whatif’s that I have talked about many times before. I hate watching it happen and knowing there is nothing I can do. I admit I can empathize most with my husband at this point. He doesn’t know what to do for me and feels helpless. He keeps trying though. He is so wonderful. Gotta keep focusing on the good.
Let’s see despite the depression I had a shower yesterday and today I made dinner. Not huge accomplishments but still I did not stay in bed all day and that is what really matters in the end doesn’t it.
I’m wandering around. Wandering trying to find something that will settle me down. Something that will occupy my mind. I’m just listening to music and smoking the green and that’s it. I need more in my life. Those 3 days where I had to be around people was hard but it made me realize just how lonely I was. Even keeping mostly to myself I felt less alone than I do now. None of my hobbies are appealing to me right now either. Even writing this blog is draining the hell out of me.
Yesterday after talking to my psychiatrist it made me rethink if I should go to the doctors tomorrow.
My shrink believes that my tummy troubles are because of the stress and anxiety that I and life have been putting myself under. I think she is right honestly.
The problem is the lack of motivation to eat. Now to be honest today has been better than it has been in a while. I might make 900 calories, 1000 if I have another shake before bed. That may not seem like enough but I’m not over extending my energy so I am ok for now.
My shrink gave me pills for nausea which is one of my problems. If I can get past this and start enjoying food again it would be wonderful.
I’ll let you all know how it goes tomorrow whichever way I choose.
(still no weed by choice) I am considering giving up alcohol for good just so my meds can work to their full potential.
Does anyone else drink from time to time? I was drinking a couple bottles of wine once a week with my SIL. I think I’m over it.
I have no idea what to do with myself. I feel like I am just stuck in a hamster wheel and can’t get off.
I’m lonely.
We got a new puppy which is killing some time, you know with training and having to keep an eye on her. You might think getting a new dog so soon after my baby girl Ren died might seem to soon but I had such a gaping huge whole in my chest that needed something at least wiggle around in there.
I’m 46, I need to do something with my life. I’ve realized that you never know when something is going to happen to you or someone you love. Why is this not kicking me in the ass to get motivated more? Is it the depression dragging me down. I don’t want to go down there. It’s dark and scary.
Right now is one of those times I wish I had a belief system. I have nothing to fall back on.
Being alone really doesn’t give me a true gauge of my feelings. Being alone makes me feel sad. Being alone doesn’t allow me to talk to anyone.
I’m on day two of the pristiq I am still depressed as far as I can tell. I don’t expect anything to happen yet. I don’t think it is making things worse.
My psychiatrist says I am very sensitive to medications so usually if something bad is going to happen then it will happen rather quickly. The good also usually happens sooner rather then later as well. This is both a pain and a good thing I suppose.
Tonight I am alone longer then usual as hubby had to go to a work dinner. It seems we are spending less and less time together these days. It makes me sad and it makes me worry. He isn’t treating me any differently but I can’t help that my mind always looks for the worse in everything. I’m very black and white..
hopefully it is just the depression and it will pass. Fingers crossed for the pristiq.
I’m still experiencing the blues and now I am also scared to be alone.
There is a van driving around the neighborhood with a freezer on the back for several days. The housing association has been sending out emails warning people. It makes me nervous just being here by myself. I’m kind of stuck here doing nothing and letting my thoughts wander around in circles.
Can’t wait for 5:00pm to come along so hubby will be home and I’ll be able to relax and just worry about the roadtrip. I love roadtrips so the stress for that will be a lot less.
I would really like a happy day, it’s been over a week now.. dammit.
Today we went out to look at the house and because I was depressed it just didn’t make me happy. After the house we went out to lunch and I could barely eat. I had a bacon burger with bacon baked in and I couldn’t eat it. Food tasted blah.
I’m still not feeling 100%, I am fighting the urge to go to bed. I want to go because I am tired not because I am sad.
I did a painting today though that I rather liked so that is a bright spot in my day.
I feel like I jinxed myself by telling my shrink that I am doing OK. I mean I woke up the next morning sad and depressed. WTH really? Why can’t it be a nice and happy for longer? I have no answers…
A Bipolars Reality 