I’m still experiencing the blues and now I am also scared to be alone.
There is a van driving around the neighborhood with a freezer on the back for several days. The housing association has been sending out emails warning people. It makes me nervous just being here by myself. I’m kind of stuck here doing nothing and letting my thoughts wander around in circles.
Can’t wait for 5:00pm to come along so hubby will be home and I’ll be able to relax and just worry about the roadtrip. I love roadtrips so the stress for that will be a lot less.
I would really like a happy day, it’s been over a week now.. dammit.
I’m nervous and don’t feel like talking about it.
Therapy was good.
Shrink was good.
Today with mom was awesome and fun.
Tomorrow will happen.
Tonight we had some horrible weather. Some warnings, some lightning and thunder. Luckily we never had a tornado hit, we even though we are still under a severe thunderstorm weather until 2am, so it not even being 9:30 its gonna be a long ass night.
The anger is still lurking, I’m just deeply unhappy and unsatisfied. I am happy when I am out of the house but then within a couple of hours of being back the darkness starts coming back again.
I got angry tonight at this painting that just hasn’t been going the way I like it. I asked hubby for a steak knife and stabbed the shit out of it. I didn’t feel any real malice but it felt somewhat relieving.
I want to cut my hair short and dye it pink and blue, but hubby wants me to keep it long. I don’t know if I want to keep it that way for him for change it for me. I mean he’s all I got and if he somehow found me less attractive I don’t know what I would do, I mean I’m already fat and old.. maybe I shouldn’t. I’m so torn.
I put one of my pictures up on a site to sell, for some reason I can’t get it to print above picture size but I think that it will be awesome if I can figure it out. I am going to make a print for my MIL because she really liked it. I hope she was being honest and not just kind.
Thursday seems like a long time off and tomorrow family is coming over for the holiday Monday. I must just keep breathing and stay calm..
Breathe, breathe, breathe..
oh and my fucking neck seems to hurt worse now then before I got it cracked. WTF.
This morning at 7:30 I woke up and couldn’t stop crying. I ask Jim if he was going to leave me. I feel unsafe and insecure.
I went back to sleep and woke up somewhat energized yet still sad. I cleaned the room we are staying in nod no started the laundry and got myself a shake for breakfast. Then I really did nothing else today until it was time to go to the dentist and get the doohickey that makes it look like I have a tooth.
It looks okay I suppose it is not the mot uncomfortable thing and it makes me sound like a drunk but at least I don’t look like wet trash. In four months I will get a new tooth which in the end will cost me about 3500 dollars. Things sure aren’t cheap in Nebraska.
OJ well what are you going to do right? Day after tomorrow I go and see my shrink and therapist, hopefully I can get my shit going cause last night I was thinking a trip to the hospital might be a good idea. We’ll see though.
I want to cry, I want to break down, I want to remove this fucking mask that I am wearing.
I’m tired of putting on a happy face so that people don’t realize that I am bat shit fucking crazy.
I thought about throwing myself down the stairs today, that would have been painful. Yet is seemed like a good idea. Obviously not good enough to go through with.
Tomorrow Jim will be at work and I’m afraid.
I’m afraid a lot these days. I drank three days in a row. I am not drinking today which is something. Each day, right?
4 days until therapy and likely a new round of pills, fingers crossed.
Talking about rapid mood cycling…
Seriously I keep going downhill then uphill than downhill, you get the picture. Today I have wanted to say a very vulgar word to people more than 30 times. I don’t use the C-word. If you don’t know what it is I’m not typing it either.
I am not finding joy in anything. I did laugh once but it was because of a hilarious shirt. Mostly I just want to punch people in the neck.
I only got four hours of sleep. I tried everything but I could not sleep and I don’t want to do anything so I just basically lay there fuming for hours.
I don’t know how to deal with the depression. I have no help. The shrink I saw hasn’t called me in over a week and I know if I call him and ask about something for the depression I am not going to get any assistance. I know I made the right choice going off the lithium because I feel 100% better physically and emotionally no different, well except the depression which is not related anyhow.
Why did he have to be a big fat lying sack of shit? Why can’t doctors want what is best for you? Why do I even give a shit about it? I don’t but I am pissed and need to focus.
Depression and Anger what a fine combination for doing stupid things. I have to be careful and watch myself and hope that this passes faster than it has in the past. If I am still feeling like this when hubby goes on his trip I have no idea what I will do.. God I don’t even want to think about it.
Gotta focus on the prize.. Leaving in 24 days, I can do it right? I can handle this I think, I think. Ugh I dunno.. fuck.
Also I did get one piece of good news yesterday which may be related to the grouchiness. I am going to have my ECT meeting this week. I want to do it but I am nervous.. that tends to make me super bitchy. Why is it that positive change always brings me down. I’m my own worse enemy.
And no not like Joey from Blossom Woe, the sad bitter want to stay in bed all day why the fuck did I wake up woes.
I feel like shit emotionally. I realized during a chat today that my supposed shrink never called me back when I called him to tell I was stopping the lithium. No leaving a message saying hey you should try something else, nothing. Why do I get so unlucky with shrinks? A fucking mood disorder clinic and I get the a resident who doesn’t give a fuck. FUCK FUCK FUCK.
Why can’t I have more control over my depression. I can be logical with myself about it but I just feel hopeless regardless of the pep talk that I give myself. I wish that I enjoyed being drunk but I hate the way it feels and for once I don’t feel like eating. That’s something isn’t it? Too bad starving yourself is just as bad as force-feeding yourself.
I keep worrying about the Omaha thing not happening, because I don’t deserve to be happy and this is making the anxiety worse. I know it is unrealistic but it’s absolutely terrifying. It’s something I think about every day. No matter what my mood it pops it’s ugly head up constantly. The depression is making it much much worse, which I didn’t think was possible.
The depression is getting bad and I can tell because I am listening to happy and not even tapping a toe. This song could make a dead person dance.. fuck …
I am just getting more and more physically ill. This morning I actually threw up and frankly that is the last damn straw. Yes I am bipolar 1 and bat shit crazy but I would rather feel decent physically so I can concentrate on my mental health. I called the shrink and told him that I wanted off and I told my husband. My husband fully supports me going off it, he has seen my health declining and my mood still not where it is supposed to be.
Maybe now they will consider the ECT, if not I’ll wait until I get to Omaha and get a new pdoc. I promised hubby if I start to feel off I would let him know and we could discuss me going to the hospital if it gets bad. (which terrifies me but may be necessary). I’m frustrated with all these meds. I’m tired of always feeling like I am on the edge of some kind of bodily accident. *shudder*
I was going to post about a subject my husband and I were talking about last night. Actually it just sort of popped up as we were getting home from my picture taking. My therapy and need to deal with my past. I never really think about it bugging me. I have no problems mentioning the things that have happened and I am sure talking to a therapist they will figure out how to make it cathartic during therapy.
My husband said to me I’ve seen the way your family treats you now and I know that it was worse before, just from that you need some therapy. I suppose he’s right. I can talk about all the horrible things that have happened to me with indifference. That is probably not the healthy choice. I would not be surprised if I didn’t have some PTSD from the sexual abuses, rapes, physical assaults etc. I think I’ve just put up some kind of very thick skin about it rather than deal with it.
There’s a reason I have borderline personality disorder right? I am really looking forward to getting to the bottom of it.
We decided to take the dogs for a walk this afternoon and Charlie got on the scent to something, pulling at the leash, while I am trying to get Ren to move at all.. All of a sudden I hear.. it’s a possum.. and it was! I’ve never seen one in a non-zoo environment before so I was interesting as we steered clear of the sharp pointy teeth.. It didn’t look pissed but I remembered hearing how nasty they could be..
Today I am in the mixed episode kind of place, sickenly happy then terribly sad and teary.. I hate this place.. I honestly should be just happy. My husband is being so wonderful. I did such a great job in Las Vegas and I’ve set my diet plans for Monday and I’ve decided I am going to write my book, even if I only do it for 15 minutes a day. I want to accomplish that in my life.
I don’t want to go back down again… I like being up here… I’m scared