I know tht I need to become more social. It would help with my loneliness and maybe I could live a more normal life. I also know that I need to work through the things that make not truth people. I’m gonna lay it all out right now so I can go back and cross things off my list as I go along.
I was beaten daily for many years by several different men.
I have been raped at least 3 times, once by 3 men.
I was molested as a young child and a preteen.
I was bullied and beaten down emotionally and physically almost every day of school.
I was rarely told that I was of any value as a person by the people who were supposed to encourage me and support me.
Needless to say on top of being bipolar 1, with bored eerie personality disorder and anxiety disorde I am a little fucked up.
There’s more, but those are the pretty big ones for now..
I’m lucky that my in laws are good to me. My husband loves me more than I’ve ever even thought was possible and my daughter loves me regardless of the mistakes tht I’ve made. Eventually things will balance out. Moving towards the positive.
This morning at 7:30 I woke up and couldn’t stop crying. I ask Jim if he was going to leave me. I feel unsafe and insecure.
I went back to sleep and woke up somewhat energized yet still sad. I cleaned the room we are staying in nod no started the laundry and got myself a shake for breakfast. Then I really did nothing else today until it was time to go to the dentist and get the doohickey that makes it look like I have a tooth.
It looks okay I suppose it is not the mot uncomfortable thing and it makes me sound like a drunk but at least I don’t look like wet trash. In four months I will get a new tooth which in the end will cost me about 3500 dollars. Things sure aren’t cheap in Nebraska.
OJ well what are you going to do right? Day after tomorrow I go and see my shrink and therapist, hopefully I can get my shit going cause last night I was thinking a trip to the hospital might be a good idea. We’ll see though.
Everyone thinks I am ok but really I’m not. The sadness is creeping in again. I have moments of ok, but mostly I just sit there thinking about nothing, staring off into space.
I asked hubby if could get an apartment if I had troubles dealing with things her but he said that we would take longer to get a house and he had no idea how I would get to my therapy sessions.
Tht made me so angry I thought my head would explode. I moved here for support and to get the mental help I need and him slinging out thing like well then it would be cab time just makes me feel like I walked into a trap.
I’ve been getting more paranoid then usual. When I leave him and his mom to talk I’m afraid they are saying horrible things about me. I can feel the borederline personality disorder taking over its ugly grip as my bipolar depression gets worse.
Thank god it is only 3 days until a shrink and therapy appt. Hopefully it will help. Until then I have a ne photography challenge with my BFF and I am going to be doing some art and trying to think of th future. The real one not the one the ugly voices in my head are trying to make me believe are true.
I’ve never allowed myself to feel empowered. I’ve always sat by fearful of letting my thoughts or feelings known in case I was judged as crazy.
I’m taking control of my mental health and what goes into my body, I will feel empowered. I may not be able to be drug free in fact to be honest I am 80% sure I will need to go back to medications. That’s alright. For now I am going to let my body cleanse itself of the poisons that have been forced into it by each uncaring doctor that treated me like I am nothing but a number.
I am a number, number one. I’m not a faceless patient who can spoken to about generalized mental health care while not receiving the help that I really need. I will no longer sit there afraid about changes that are going on with my physically and mentally while doctors only have fifteen minutes once a month to fit me in. Screw that.
I’m taking my mental health care into my own hands. I am going to do what I think is right. It is my body and mind. I will find someone who will listen to me and work with me instead of trying to talk me into doing things I am uncomfortable with.
That’s not to say I won’t have break downs, but they will be mine. Not caused because I did something I didn’t feel comfortable doing. I will survive and fight all my issues one day at a time.
Today I should be positively joyful. I got a lovely award, I reached 100 followers (I know some of these are likely not really interested in my blog) and this is my 100th post. I kind of feel nothing though. I just want to sleep. I am not happy I am not sad, I am just numb.
However this month is Mental Health Month. I am going to continue to post every day just like I had planned! I am not going to let this bring me down. I may cry, I may scream, I may sleep BUT I WILL POST!!!
It’s important to me. I like to think that the sincere people following want to read what I have to say whether I am babbling or writing a story or whatever. They thought I was worth clicking on that follow button. So it’s grown beyond just letting myself down. We bloggers are like a family. Sometimes a quiet lurking family and sometimes a family that posts and says to us what we want to hear and sometimes even what we need to hear when we don’t wanna. I love that.
So to my Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety Disorder.. FUCK YOU, I’m going to win. No matter how many times you knock me down I will get back up and give you the finger..
Another day with no lithium and my flu is feeling better. The constant need to pee is almost gone and I sorta slept last night.
Tonight hubby went out to dinner with the people from work, it happens every 3 months or so and usually I can handle it ok. Tonight though he was at this incredible restaurant on the ocean and it looked so romantic. (He was taking pictures) it started setting off my insecurities. I’m going to voice them here because I know they are ridicuous but need to get them off my chest.
1) He is ‘seeing’ someone from work. This person lives in Omaha so that is why he even brought up us moving back there.
2) While saying that the move would be good for me, we will be spending less time to together. I worry he will be more out of touch.
3)I think he’s a god so everyone else will right?
honestly these things seem even more stupid typed out. It’s the way my brain works though. I think that if I get some therapy I will learn to realize that he loves me and that’s why he is nice to me not because he is guilty of some crime.
It was a lovely drive me and hubby sat and talked a little and listened to a wide variety of music. When he was busy driving I would just stare at his face, the way it’s changed. How wonderfully handsome I still think he is 13 years later and how lucky I am to have him. When we got here we took a walk towards the strip, neither of us are in that great of shape so we got about a mile and a half and then turned back to get some dinner! So far I am having a great time. There is a gigantic bathtub here, honestly delightful and dinner was marvelous. My mood has been mostly up today. I’ve had several self hate minutes but I talked to hubby about it and it helped a lot. Wish you were here!