abuse

Why I Hate People

I know tht I need to become more social. It would help with my loneliness and maybe I could live a more normal life. I also know that I need to work through the things that make not truth people. I’m gonna lay it all out right now so I can go back and cross things off my list as I go along.

I was beaten daily for many years by several different men.
I have been raped at least 3 times, once by 3 men.
I was molested as a young child and a preteen.
I was bullied and beaten down emotionally and physically almost every day of school.
I was rarely told that I was of any value as a person by the people who were supposed to encourage me and support me.

Needless to say on top of being bipolar 1, with bored eerie personality disorder and anxiety disorde I am a little fucked up.

There’s more, but those are the pretty big ones for now..

I’m lucky that my in laws are good to me. My husband loves me more than I’ve ever even thought was possible and my daughter loves me regardless of the mistakes tht I’ve made. Eventually things will balance out. Moving towards the positive.

It Saved My Life

I decided to do another daily post challenge. Going Obsolete. Check it out here http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/going-obsolete/

I miss the monochrome monitor and the 1200 baud modem. I miss when computers were used pretty much only for communicating and nothing else. BBS’s (Bulletin Board Systems) were an amazing social outlet and you would be able to easily make friends with people in your town and surrounding areas.

One monochrome monitor and 1200 baud modem literally saved my life. It allowed me to escape a horribly abusive men whose violence was escalating. I don’t think I was all that far from him killing me.

I was agoraphobic and terrified to tell anyone. Logging in and talking to strangers allowed me some anonymity and I found unlike my family or the police they actually believed me. I was offered a place to stay and help to get away.  So of all the things that have gone obsolete I miss these the most.

Why Do We Suffer?

I have seen a lot of interesting things written by bipolars while roaming the web. I have had a lot of interesting things happen to me. Are they directly related to my bipolarity?

I have suffered not only from my illness but years of self hate and abuse. I allowed others to control me and hurt me, both physically and mentally. Possibly believing that I was not good enough for anything more.

Even now I don’t feel that I deserve to be happy. I don’t know if this is because my brain is broken or because of my own insecurities, maybe it is a bit of both.

It seems like this is quite common with bipolars. We not only suffer through our mental illness, we also tend to suffer in life. Does this make us stronger?  It doesn’t feel like it to me. Even though I was able to escape my abusers and meet a wonderful man with a good life, I still feel weak and pathetic.

I think about death constantly, not killing myself (though that does happen) but just the death of myself or my spouse or my family, always making plans in case something should happen. It terrifies me almost to the point of being paralyzed.  It is on my mind constantly. I don’t understand why.

Why can’t I just be happy and content instead of worrying about everything?  Why do I hate myself so much? Why must my brain torment me over and over again? I think I might need therapy to undo all the years of feeling like a piece of shit emotionally.

Even though I have been, battered, raped, emotionally abused, molested I still feel like I am the one that hurts me the most.