I have seen a lot of interesting things written by bipolars while roaming the web. I have had a lot of interesting things happen to me. Are they directly related to my bipolarity?
I have suffered not only from my illness but years of self hate and abuse. I allowed others to control me and hurt me, both physically and mentally. Possibly believing that I was not good enough for anything more.
Even now I don’t feel that I deserve to be happy. I don’t know if this is because my brain is broken or because of my own insecurities, maybe it is a bit of both.
It seems like this is quite common with bipolars. We not only suffer through our mental illness, we also tend to suffer in life. Does this make us stronger? It doesn’t feel like it to me. Even though I was able to escape my abusers and meet a wonderful man with a good life, I still feel weak and pathetic.
I think about death constantly, not killing myself (though that does happen) but just the death of myself or my spouse or my family, always making plans in case something should happen. It terrifies me almost to the point of being paralyzed. It is on my mind constantly. I don’t understand why.
Why can’t I just be happy and content instead of worrying about everything? Why do I hate myself so much? Why must my brain torment me over and over again? I think I might need therapy to undo all the years of feeling like a piece of shit emotionally.
Even though I have been, battered, raped, emotionally abused, molested I still feel like I am the one that hurts me the most.