Okay on a non-bipolar note. Did you all watch walking dead tonight? I’m in complete and utter shock. I’m not gonna say what happens because I don’t want to spoil it for those who are waiting to watch it. All I can say is OMG WTF.
Now onto the bipolarity and general health. I’m feeling like crap, I spent most of my day in bed nauseated and in pain. I’m still in pain, aching all over and I haven’t had much to eat but some oyster crackers. I’m actually a little hungry so that is something.
Emotionally, I’m having a lot of anxiety but I think it is because I am not feeling very good. I hate to feel sick around other people and once again not being in my own home has made this harder then it has to be on me. I guess I just am ok right now. Haven’t been awake enough to figure out what my mood actually is. If anything I am a little sensitive. I think sensitive can be an ok emotion though, it makes you more apt for be empathizing. That’s always a good thing.
Today has felt so much like Sunday. Long afternoon nap, watching the series Grimm with hubby and just basically relaxing.
There hasn’t been to much tension today and my tummy is feeling slightly better. I still have heartburn from hell but it will pass, it always does.
Even went out to the house and just sort of hanged around a bit. It makes the time pass a little faster. Also makes daydreaming about what it will look like when it is done.
Also drove around looking at Christmas decorations. They are always so beautiful. Maybe I won’t get sad this Christmas. I got hubby some cool gifts and making him happy makes me happy.
I think I am finally getting over my depression.. fingers crossed.
Most of the time honestly it’s the parenting. The parents allow the children to run all over the place and just do whatever they like. It’s not true for all kids of course but it seems to be a growing trend. If I behaved the way the kids do nowadays I would have gotten my ass whooped. Kids aren’t afraid of consequences for their bad behaviour now.
Another reason I donlt like children is they are walking talking bundles of ick. Carrying around multiple illnesses just waiting to pass it on to the next person. My immune system is shitty since I am not exposed to most things most people are. That’s what happens when you don’t socialize with the public very often. Yet every single bug my nieces and nephews picks up ends up here at home since my MIL watches them every day.
Right now it is a 24 hour bug that has everyone spewing fluids from both ends and just generally having the worse heartburn you’ve ever had. My MIL was up all night with it and today I just feel like I am on the edge of it. I have the heartburn from hell and what feels like a giant air bubble filling my insides but luckily everything has remained inside.so far. If it is going to get worse I hope that it does it sooner rather than later. Spending the day in bed just waiting for something to happen sucks.
I know it’s not a hangover because I sobered up before bed and drank a ton of water, so now I just have to wait and see what happens. I swear I spend my whole life waiting for everything, how mundane.
Anyhow that is just some reasons I dislike children. I’m super glad I have dogs, even if they do chew my pillows and piss on the floor.
Happy Thankgiving. I’mn drunk but havent told anyone off, so that’s a bonus. Gonna keep it short because no one needs to listen to the ramblings of a drunk. Yet I hope you all had a wonderful day with your family.
Still after 14 years I haven’t gotten used to Thanksgiving being in November, but you Americans like having your Turkey Days super close to each other.
I’m all prepped for tomorrow. 2 Bottles of wine and a supportive spouse!
Tonight my husband and I went through a kind of tour of our house where they pointed out where all the water and electrical things are. Which way doors will swing. The markings on the floor that show with carpet, wood and tile marked. Our new furnace with the humidifier has been installed. It’s making it feel super real.
It was so freezing tonight when we stopped by the grocery store for my wine, the mall area had lit their super large Christmas tree it was really quite lovely. Plus we saw a horse drawn carriage that looked very similar to Cinderella’s. Then a guy in a dog costume waved at me. It’s super weird but made me smile.
It feels like my mood is getting better. I’ll see how it goes tomorrow.
I guess that is something. I’m kind of in the middle having moments of happiness and moments of sadness.
It’s preferable to the murderous hate I was feeling yesterday.
I am really hoping that things will pick up before Thursday, yet I do have the option of drowning my woes in wine so I don’t let my intense dislike of my sister in law show. It’s gonna have to be one or the other.
Hubby stayed home today and that was nice, he can often make me smile even when depressed, he is kind of like a magical being. It made the day easier and I did some cleaning so the day was also productive.
I’m not gonna write much since I really just feel kind of blah.
I haven’t been in the best of moods lately as you know. Today I thought for a moment it might have actually lifted. I managed to keep busy and not dwell on sitting alone by myself for yet another day. I wasn’t ready to kill someone either.
Needless to say my mood fooled me again. About 20 minutes before my husband came home I get recklessly angry. You know where you could easily hurt someone if you didn’t concentrate completely on keeping control of your anger. This is my mania coming through. It’s a step down from depression to be perfectly honest. At least with depression I am only dangerous to me.
My stomach hurts from keeping poison words in and not letting myself hurt the people I love with the words that can escape my lips.
I would kill for a punching bag right now. Definitely an investment to make once we get into the house for now I will just develop an ulcer while I just hope no one says anything to incredibly foolish to me.
Honestly this depression is becoming a huge pain in the ass. I woke up feeling so bleak. The sky was grey and blechy when I woke up and I felt the same way.
I thought that it might have just been a morning thing. Yet the longer the day went on the more depressed I felt. I tired listening to music and playing games again but this is such a chemical depression that I am finding a really hard time fighting it.
I did go out to visit the house with hubby today which always makes me feel hopeful but I went shopping with my MIL cash in pocket and bought fuck all. I couldn’t even get up the urge to buy. I mean buying is my thing, it’s almost an addiction for me and I couldn’t spend a dollar.
I am really hoping that I hear from the shrink tomorrow about increasing my Latuda it really seems to be one of the few choices I have in front of me. It does work on some level. Having up days seems to make the depression even worse because it’s like seeing the light for the first time and there being a Solar Eclipse a second later. It’s very tiring. I would like to be able to enjoy the holidays, here’s hoping!
It always amazes me just how much music can lift my mood. A few 80’s songs in the car and even if I am depressed I start singing along with it.
Today my mood was somewhat better. I was kind of in a meh zone. However tonight I turned on my tunes and played one of my games and zoned everything out and I started to feel more positive. The longer I listened though the more I wanted to sing my lungs out.
I grabbed my iphone and usb speaker and hopped in the shower and turned those tunes up even louder and sang my brains out.
I feel like I’ve sat through a couple of therapy sessions. It feels wonderful. I need to remember that before I had a home where I listened to music every single day. Every single day.
Now I live mostly without music and it is apparently affecting my moods as well as everything else that is going on. I need to remember that I will perk up if I am listening to my tunes. Maybe it won’t completely pull me out of a depression but it will help.
I am still down. I didn’t let it control me though. Though I did sleep a lot. I’ve been doing that a lot lately.
I called my shrink and asked her to raise my dosage of Latuda. I didnt hear anything back today so hopefully I will know more by Monday. I think it has been long enough to decide to increase the dosage.
I went outside several times. I went and had lunch and went out shopping at Target and went out to see the house. I walked around by myself in Target and felt something quite confident. Which doesn’t seem like much to the normal person but as someone with social anxiety it really feels like a huge step.
I really need to get some new glasses seeing better would be awesome.
I watched a bunch of maria bamford videos. I think she is my new role model.