social anxiety

I’ve Been Getting Urges

I have been getting urges to go back to work. Which is something I know I’m not ready for. I’m too damn shy to be any kind of telemarketer or phone sex op. I’ve done both so I know what I think I’ll be good at.  It’s not that I would be bad I would just be uncomfortable. I want to start going out of the house before I seriously consider working from home. I need to be able to push myself. This agoraphobia is a real bitch. I haven’t been out in I think six weeks. Well that’s not true because I did walk to the mail box on my own several times. The neighborhood feels comfortable enough for me to walk a little ways from the house on my own.

Omg this post is awful, not artfully written at all. I dunno I just want to share the changes that are happening, but am still not back to posting every day. I need to push myself to do it as I feel better after posting.

Anyhoo there’s that.

Sunday

I both love and hate Sundays. I love spending time with hubby. Sundays we probably spend the most time together. We’ve been watching the last two seasons of Supernatural that we have DVR’d. It’s enjoyable, passes time and I get to look at two extra cute guys. LOL . The reason I hate Sundays is I know Monday is coming and hubby will leave to go to work and I’ll be wandering the house for the next week. Hubby is getting 9 days off in a row next week though so I just have to make it past this one.

I haven’t done much else today except for realize that I’ve really let myself go. I need to start working on everything. However that is overwhelming so I will likely start with one thing at a time. It’s easier to focus for me if I introduce stuff slowly. I’ve already been working on my diet. Now I am going to be working certain muscles out every single time I think about it. Which I hope is a lot, I’m not setting alarms for it though as it is easier to just do it the second I start thinking about it.

I removed a Facebook page I liked yesterday. It’s all pro animal and often shows videos of rescues. I love the rescues and the babies finding their new homes. I hate seeing what people will do to an innocent. It makes my stomach and heart hurt like no one business. I am one of those people that usually bury my head in the sand so I don’t find out about the bad things going on in the world. I mean my brain is already my greatest enemy, who needs the scum of the earth added to my already fragile mind.

Ever wanted to make a difference, have no idea where to start and feel that your social anxiety/agoraphobia will stop you from doing anything of value.

My best friend Dani who passed last year would foster animals and go to pet adoptions to help out. Even with fighting cancer she stepped out and did really good things.  I wish I was more like her. She was so brave. I could handle the animals it’s the people I am terrified of.  I need to get past this fear, I’m 47 I think it is about time I did something with my life.

 

People & Animals

I have two dogs, a 13 pounds Maltese mix and a 4,5 pound Yorkie. I love them with every fiber of my being.

I hate hearing about people harming animals, it hurts my heart and makes me want to take even more animals in. I won’t cause of my depression and the two doggies I have now are enough work.

The reason I’m talking about this is because I have been watching videos and reading stories all day about animal rescues and various other animal related stuff mostly it was super cuteness. I like to read about rescues. Not because I enjoy hearing the horrible things people do, but because I love to see the wonderful things people do. There are really two kinds of people. You are either good or you are not. I’m not talking on a heaven or hell level. I’m just talking about how you treat and respect people and animals. You are either good or bad. I don’t see grey. Good people can do bad things, it happens. We’re all so human. I would be happy as hell if some kind of UFO came and sucked up all the assholes though!

Today I have been twitchy. I am having a hard time sitting still but I’m also finding it hard to find something to do. Today I have cried, laughed, smiled, ranted and faced some of people social anxiety by sitting on my porch while there are a ton of construction workers building a house next door. It was difficult. I would like to be able to do one thing I am afraid of once a day. I need to get out of my rut.

I’m An Agoraphobic

I’ve been what I call broken for a very long time. However I have peeks of sun through the clouds and am able to muster the courage to step outside of my home and live life.

When we decided to move back to Omaha from California something remarkable happened. I started going out to the beaches, museums and parks (not theme parks). I felt like a normal person for a change and as I did more and more the anxiety started to become part of the foreground. When we got back to Omaha this continued for a while. Restaurants were a breeze. Shopping, hell ya.. Anything seemed possible.

Once we moved into our house I stopped going out less and less and now even the thought of going to my mother in laws is stressful. We have to go there tomorrow and I’m going no matter how afraid I am.

The thing is I don’t want to be this way but just taking a step outside creates anxiety. I try to walk to the mailbox which is about half a block away so I am not a complete shut in. I go to walk-in clinics for my problems because they are open at night and are typically pretty empty.

The night comforts me. It’s like a mask over everything I’m afraid of.

What am I afraid of, I don’t really know anymore. I just know that I am afraid all the time now.

Time to start exposure therapy again. Maybe this time it will stick. One step at a time…

The Stress IS Getting To Me

I just keep worrying about everything. Tomorrow it is supposed to snow .5 to 2 inches and we have bald tires on the car and the next day we need to close on the house and it’s making my stomach hurt thinking about something messing up.

Originally I was just concerned about my social anxiety but now everrything has become a stressor. We’ve had everything set to be delivered in an orderly fashion. We’ve had things set to be set up as long as everything goes according to plan. One dominoe could fuck up the entire thing. UGH.

Why does my brain have to be like this? My husband is so flipping calm. I don’t know how he can be but he just doesn’t stress like me and it drives me bloody bananas.

Just one more day to go and hopefully everything will go ok. If it does I won’t be posting for a couple of days but I think that is a good enough reason to miss posting.

Zoo, Lunch and Relaxation

Today I went to the zoo and took some pictures and movies. We really have one of the best zoos, actually it was voted best zoo in america so there ya go. I took some little movies of big cats.

it was really stressful because it was so jam packed with people. Honestly a few times I wanted to run for the exit, but I fought past it. The exposure therapy is definitely working. I was terrified to go, I almost chickened out. I find if I push myself to do something I am uncomfortable it doesn’t turn out to be the nightmare I’ve made of it in my head.

I also ended up going to dinner and found a giant hello kitty pez dispenser, it made me so happy. I love hello kitty things. I love pink. I also got a little stuffed turtle cause I love turtles too.

Also I can paint in the dining room again!! Yay that means that I will have some pictures done for the walls when we move into the house and it actually feels like I am going to be able to get through the next 5 weeks and 4 days much easier with a game, painting, ps4. It will make time past so much faster. I’m actually excited about the future,

After freaking out and crying yesterday, I was happy. Today I am happy. I apparently needed to vent and clear my aura.. I feel so much better.

Enjoy the videos!

Date Night

I got our tonight with hubby and had a good time. We just went to Dave and Buster’s for drinks and games but it was relaxing and lifted a bit of the edge of loneliness from me. Plus they had Guitar Hero which made me miss some of my stuff a little less.

It was by no means easy and the anxiety almost made me walk out the door, but I did it!

I won a tiny stuffed toy from a claw machine and talked to strangers. It is good for my agoraphobia to break out and work on my social anxiety.

I’m not gonna write much tonight though, have a little bit of a buzz going on, but I did promise to write every day.

Hopefully I’ll wake up in a better mood tomorrow after getting some relief tonight.

Anxiety is Through the Roof

I’ve been so stressed out.I really hate the holiday season it gets me all up in arms. I’ve decided to not do things a month ahead because I’m so anxious about still being sick. I think that I said yesterday I had gotten a second cold and sadly I am still having tummy issues. It makes it hard to live like I should. I am tired of my social anxiety.

I realize I am better than I was even just 2 years ago where I never left the house for any reason. Yet it feels like I am backsliding. As I write this I am fighting off a panic attack. My arms are prickling which I know is the start of a breathing panic attack. So I am trying to breathe slowly and realize even though I have a cold I am alright.

I just want to be in my home. My own home where I can feel ill and comfortable. I don’t know if you can imagine what it is like to feel ill while living in someone else’s home. It’s very uncomfortable. Even though we stay in a room here I feel like I don’t have a place to be alone. Even though we are family it still doesn’t feel right. I feel alone, yet not.

It’s so very hard to describe it, but it is not making life very easy right now.

Gonna give in and take a clonezapam however it’s spelled.. I’m gonna go and try and relax now.

Why I Dislike Children

Most of the time honestly it’s the parenting. The parents allow the children to run all over the place and just do whatever they like. It’s not true for all kids of course but it seems to be a growing trend. If I behaved the way the kids do nowadays I would have gotten my ass whooped. Kids aren’t afraid of consequences for their bad behaviour now.

Another reason I donlt like children is they are walking talking bundles of ick. Carrying around multiple illnesses just waiting to pass it on to the next person. My immune system is shitty since I am not exposed to most things most people are. That’s what happens when you don’t socialize with the public very often. Yet every single bug my nieces and nephews picks up ends up here at home since my MIL watches them every day.

Right now it is a 24 hour bug that has everyone spewing fluids from both ends and just generally having the worse heartburn you’ve ever had. My MIL was up all night with it and today I just feel like I am on the edge of it. I have the heartburn from hell and what feels like a giant air bubble filling my insides but luckily everything has remained inside.so far. If it is going to get worse I hope that it does it sooner rather than later. Spending the day in bed just waiting for something to happen sucks.

I know it’s not a hangover because I sobered up before bed and drank a ton of water, so now I just have to wait and see what happens. I swear I spend my whole life waiting for everything, how mundane.

Anyhow that is just some reasons I dislike children. I’m super glad I have dogs, even if they do chew my pillows and piss on the floor.

Still Down

I am still down. I didn’t let it control me though. Though I did sleep a lot. I’ve been doing that a lot lately.

I called my shrink and asked her to raise my dosage of Latuda. I didnt hear anything back today so hopefully I will know more by Monday. I think it has been long enough to decide to increase the dosage.

I went outside several times. I went and had lunch and went out shopping at  Target and went out to see the house. I walked around by myself in Target and felt something quite confident. Which doesn’t seem like much to the normal person but as someone with social anxiety it really feels like a huge step.

I really need to get some new glasses seeing better would be awesome.

I watched a bunch of maria bamford videos. I think she is my new role model.