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I Hater Being Alone

Hubby hasn’t had to travel at all since we moved into the house. I was really hoping that he wouldn’t have to do it again. I get lonely and scared.

We found out that he has to travel this week and I have to be by myself for a couple of days. I’m having anxiety just thinking about it. I know I can do it though. I’m strong!

My moods have been semi stable. There has been some depression, but it’s not that bad. Yes I’m sad and want to crawl into bed and do absolutely nothing at all. I’m trying to work past it though.

I’ve started on the painting for my BFF I think it is turning out okay so far. It’s hard to judge when I’m depressed because I am my own worst critic but I hope it turns out wonderful as she is a wonderful person.

Zoo, Lunch and Relaxation

Today I went to the zoo and took some pictures and movies. We really have one of the best zoos, actually it was voted best zoo in america so there ya go. I took some little movies of big cats.

it was really stressful because it was so jam packed with people. Honestly a few times I wanted to run for the exit, but I fought past it. The exposure therapy is definitely working. I was terrified to go, I almost chickened out. I find if I push myself to do something I am uncomfortable it doesn’t turn out to be the nightmare I’ve made of it in my head.

I also ended up going to dinner and found a giant hello kitty pez dispenser, it made me so happy. I love hello kitty things. I love pink. I also got a little stuffed turtle cause I love turtles too.

Also I can paint in the dining room again!! Yay that means that I will have some pictures done for the walls when we move into the house and it actually feels like I am going to be able to get through the next 5 weeks and 4 days much easier with a game, painting, ps4. It will make time past so much faster. I’m actually excited about the future,

After freaking out and crying yesterday, I was happy. Today I am happy. I apparently needed to vent and clear my aura.. I feel so much better.

Enjoy the videos!

What I Miss

Today it is freezing and there is some cheesy snow. You know the kind that doesn’t really seem to be from the sky but is on the ground non-the-less. So I thought that I would post some nice sunny pictures from California to show that even though I hated living there, there was still beauty to be had. Then I realized all my gorgeous sunny photos are locked up in storage jail on my primary computer.

It’s made me wish for my things yet again.  One day I will have one computer with my photography and Photoshop and illustrator on and one for all my games and things and they will be in my presence.

When we are in our home I will be able to sit down and write my book. I have a hard time just sitting on my laptop and focusing on my story(ies). I want to be able to sit in a comfortable computer chair and listen to music blaring full blast and just throw out my words until my fingers tire.

I had stopped creating when I was unmedicated and now I want to create something almost every day and I’m unable to really get into things because this is not my home and I can’t create the way that I really want to.

I miss being able to be slightly manic and write little novelettes and poems because there is no place to sit and listen to the voices in my minds eye tell me stories.

I’ll be posting more than my feelings next year, it will be all of me. Sometime in January I will hit a full year of posting and next year I want to do the same thing only bigger, better..  I guess we shall see.

 

So Much, So Little

We went into the house tonight and the entire outer frame was done, you could see where everything is going to go. I took tons of pictures, it’s really exciting seeing how close the house is. I mean it still won’t be ready until February. Actually having the house actually seeing some action makes it more bearable.

Today my cold also felt a little better. I got some napping done. Other than that I got nothing done. I mean there isn’t much for me to do anyhow. Yet doing nothing makes me feel guilty.

I can’t paint in the dining room again until after thanksgiving and probably Christmas. It sucks. Jim says we can set something up in the bedroom for me. I hope so, not being able to paint for 2 months will suck.

Emotionally I’ve been stable. That’s a positive at least!

Feels Like Sunday

Today I’ve gone to lunch, shopped for singer clothes and drove all over the place and that was all before 3pm.

I’m tired but happily so as I sit here watching anime on my iPad while everyone else watches football. I used to like football but being here and it being on all the damn time has turned me against it.

It was nice being able to buy warm clothes, all I really had were sundresses and tank tops, that certainly won’t get me through the winter. Walmart is cheap as he’ll too. Sadly I think the clothes are also poorly made but what do you expect. At least it gives me another reason to lose weight.

I watched some painting videos. I need to take some art classes. I think that it will help me a lot. I feel inferior right now. I am proud of what I have done don’t get me wrong but I know if I learn a little patience I could be better.

So patience is my word for the month.

Introversion Begins

It’s that time when my moods make me start withdrawing. I am moving away from the things that I enjoy.

I don’t want to draw or paint. I don’t want to write all that much. I am cooking but that is out of concern for saving money more then any joy.

I must keep my promise to write my blog.

I am gonna try and be positive, even though I feel like curling up and hiding. I hate the mood swings. Up and down. I would like to be happy longer… Just a little maybe a full month.

Man I don’t even want to shop.. Bah

Creating and Complaining

I am absolutely cranky every day until I get out of the house. Once out my mood is lifted and I am in a good mood for rest of the day.
We went to Michael’s and I got some pencils and a few mores brushes for creating on my canvas’. I’m excited to start working on them.

My mom in law is thinking of moving out into a home that is the same model as the one that we will live in. It will be interesting to see how we each decorate our homes. We re both very different. She is even considering a lot right next door. You would think that it would bother me but I think it would be kind of cool. Would make holidays a breeze :D.. Ooh we could do an amazing two lawn Halloween decoration.

Tomorrow is therapy, I look forward to it a great deal and even my weekly lunch with my mom in law. Also we meet with the builders for our home, woot. I am so excited.

Hopefully tomorrow I don’t wake up cranky again. However it seems to be the norm. C’est la Vie.

So Many Canvases

Michaels is having a sale buy 3 canvases for the price of 1. I love it. I love knowing that I can explore my mind on canvas.

Lately I have wanted to paint more than I have wanted to write and I’ve wanted to paint something pretty instead of creepy or weird. I don’t know what is going on with my mind.

Lately I have really wanted to smoke some pot and just chill but no one shares anymore. Being practically a shut in doesn’t give you much chance to meet other smokers either.

It would make a lot of things Bette that is for sure…

True Blood WTF

I’ve watched it from th beginning. I’m embarrassed to admit I’ve read every book and whole the show has gone to complete shit the last few years I was so disappointed how they ended it. I won’t say how because I don’t want to ruin it for anyone but omg it sucks hella balls.

Today has been interesting I am conspiring applying to work at michaels. I’ll see if this is a manic episode. I am feeling creative and I am wanting to do a lot of things but I don’t know if they are me. I love creating don’t get me wrong. It’s the other things that I want to do.

I am gonna see the chiropractor because I don’t know how I am gonna feel emotionally until I am feeling better physically. Fingers crossed I get in Tuesday as opposed to Thursday cause I am in sooo much pain..

Why does TV suck so much dick lately? Just saying.

A Painting

self     A New Painting I Did