Almost Forgot

It’s been a very busy day and I almost forgot to take my pills and do my blog for the day. I think I would have been angry at myself had that happened.

Today I was in a good mood. I spent a lot of time out of the house. We had lunch and went shopping for some furniture for the house. I gotta admit I loved the thrill of shopping period, let alone knowing how we were decorating the houes early.

We also took mom in law shopping for a new computer. That will either make things easier cause this one will be able to play games or harder because she will want to spend more time on it. We are only here for less 2 weeks and 5 more days then we will be in our own home and I’ll be able to control everything lol.

Other than those things not much else happened. Tomorrow we may do some more shopping for the house. I hope so, it’s really enjoyable and it makes everything feel much more real.

Looking After Myself

so this week I got my hair cut me today I went and saw the eye doctor and got some new glasses ordered. It’s time I started taking care of myself. You know how it can be, you get in such a funk that you just stop caring. You stop washing, you stop eating right. No more of that.

i will start taking care of myself. I’m even gonna get a manicure.. Go me!

Feels Like Sunday

Today I’ve gone to lunch, shopped for singer clothes and drove all over the place and that was all before 3pm.

I’m tired but happily so as I sit here watching anime on my iPad while everyone else watches football. I used to like football but being here and it being on all the damn time has turned me against it.

It was nice being able to buy warm clothes, all I really had were sundresses and tank tops, that certainly won’t get me through the winter. Walmart is cheap as he’ll too. Sadly I think the clothes are also poorly made but what do you expect. At least it gives me another reason to lose weight.

I watched some painting videos. I need to take some art classes. I think that it will help me a lot. I feel inferior right now. I am proud of what I have done don’t get me wrong but I know if I learn a little patience I could be better.

So patience is my word for the month.

Learning to Not Hate

I feel hatred towards other people. My FIL for treating my MIL the way he did this past week. My MIL husband for doing stupid ass shit without thinking about how it affects. I’ve become quite protective of her.

Hate is a strong word and it is a stronger feeling and it fills my body with poison. This is more of this black and white thinking. Hate is too powerful of an emotion to waste on stupid ass shit like that. I should save it for the people who truly deserve it. Then I should get past that too.

Having moms husband here this weekend just fills me with such anger, it almost makes me hands ache from being flexed in fists ast my side. Maybe I should explain.

Mom drives a 12-year-old minivan, it works but has seen better days and she decided not to get a new vehicle because the new house was more important. She would have bought it herself without her husband money. They are buying the house together and they made the decision to buy the house. A week later he goes out and gets a brand new fucking SUV for himself. Both risking the home loan and I don’t know if he did it consciously but saying fuck you to mom, I can have what you can’t.

It makes me angry. She doesn’t want to say anything because she wants to be able to get the house. He’s making that hard too. Taking forever to get the papers she needs, someone has already bought one of the lots beside us. I hope he doesn’t fuck her out of the other one.

So I am venting as opposed to holding on to this anger. It’s not worth it and it honestly gives me a reason to go out all weekend and not be home. Thanks for giving me reasons to shop cold weather!

WTH Is Wrong With Me?

We are going to Vegas in April and I need some outfits because most of my stuff is honestly house casual. I am as I have said before a larger lady and I am very self conscious. I either buy really slutty tops or stuff that is so baggy it completely covers me.¬† I have a four hundred dollar gift card and have even been given the go-ahead to shop from the bank and I still don’t want to shop ūüė¶

I love shopping, I even went to Amazon and filled my cart then I for some reason completely emptied it. Did I mention I love shopping? Ya so no idea what is going on. I am depressed but usually shopping cheers me up.

I have been stuck in a downward slump for quite some time with maybe 1-3 hypomanic days. My mom being here made the depression worse though now that she is gone I am sad. I guess I am a sucker for punishment. I think one of the reasons it makes me so sad, is that I am so sure if we go back to Omaha she won’t come visit me again.

I just keep walking around the house feeling so blah about everything. Hubby should find out something today about moving back which will hopefully be good news and pick me up a little.  Who knew moving back to the Midwest would be a positive for me. Anything to get away from these skinny vapid Californians.  Though honestly I would move to Alaska if I could just leave here. I hate it, I feel so ugly and fat and gross..

Did I mention I absolutely hate myself? Oh ya I despise myself. I know I am a kind and funny person but I hate everything else about myself. I can’t find one thing.. I constantly am changing the color of my hair, right now it is red and black.. I’m a natural blonde I should just go with it, but I don’t like it. God I can’t wait to see the new shrink. I want to feel better..

I have a cold at present which isn’t helping either but as soon as it is done I am¬†going to¬†start doing my Shaun T’s Rockin Body again..¬† Maybe once I start that I will post it on my blog to help me stay on track. Meh who knows.

Colleen is a sad kitty..