Month: December 2014

Happy New Year

Happy New Year Everyone! Who would have thought that we would have made it to another year. I certainly was questioning whether or not I was going to.

Tonight has been filled with the fun and noise of family. Lots of kids and adults all talking, plus music and dogs barking. Add in the PS4 on surround sound and it is way to over stimulating for my bipolar brain. I promised myself I can deal with it until midnight as I want to see the new year in with hubby and the people I love.

So I hope you are all feeling hopeful about your health in the coming year. I know I am.

Hugs all around!

Mood Stabilizers

I think I spelled mood stabilizers wrong in the title so I apologize lol. Right now I realize it is the one really important thing I am missing with my treatment. My moods are swinging all over the place and so rapidly I don’t know how to react from moment to moment.

I have been on them in the past but they were not successful because the bipolar depression was so bad. Now that is getting better it is time to deal with the constant spinning of my brain.

I’d love to hear from anyone on mood stabilizers that are working successfully. I’m not really sure where to start again.

I’ve been all over the place today and when I go back to see my shrink after the new year I would love to have some suggestions. I know everyone is different but I have an open mind when it comes to my treatment.


I’m sitting on the edge, close to a precipice looking down. There’s one scraggly tree branch to hold on too as I lean forward and back, trying to balance. Trying not to tip over and fall back into the depression which is knocking on my door.

I woke up and felt it immediately. I wanted to go back to sleep to pretend that it wasn’t knocking at the door. Yet I knew I had to get up and face the day.

We’re trapped currently. It has been snowing and our car is rear wheel drive, so as hopefully most of you know it doesn’t travel well in snow or ice. So I’m stuck. Unable to run and do something that might pick up my mood.

There are things on TV that I don’t want to watch , books I don’t want to read and games I don’t want to play. I feel lonely surrounded by people. I hate this feeling so much.

I’m hoping that I can just relax and it will pass. Maybe it will just be a bad day. It’s only half over maybe it could get better. Right?’

Date Day

Today I had a lovely day with my husband. The day started off with little excitement but the promise of a few short hours together. I was happy with it.

We had to go out and get wrapping paper for my SIL’s birthday tomorrow so we headed out into the sunshine and went to Target. After shopping at target we didn’t feel any urge to go home so we went to Nebraska Furniture Mart to dream about and price the furniture we want and need for our new home. Even though we can’t buy anything now it is fun to go out and enjoy looking at this and that.

After that we went out to lunch, the normal Italian place we went to was closed down for a while so we ended going to Olive Garden which we haven’t  been to in years. It was nice to finally eat a salad. Not something we normally  do but it was delicious and fun and my anxiety was actually minimum.

We got home a little over 4:00 and got to finally have some close intimate time. Shortly there after I feel into a deep sleep which was supposed to just be a doze but hubby let me sleep way to long and when i woke up weren’t alone anymore. Makes me a little sad.

Yet we had a good day filled with holding hands and laughter. 😀

More Visits With A Slight Reprieve

So Mom’s husband is gone but now my FIL is here until Friday. So that means out of 11 days hubby and I will have 3 alone.. 3 you say? Yes tomorrow we actually will have some time alone. MIL and FIL are going over to SIL for a visit. The rest of the week will be celebrating SIL’s birthday, New Years Eve and also a lot of football.. ugh

My mood is okay, we got an email from the people building our house that we might hear about closing in a week or two. We basically close 45 days after we hear. So I am hoping it is a week opposed to two. Yet it is wonderful that we are getting closer to getting into our home. We walked through it again today as we showed MIL and FIL how it looks with actual walls and such. It gave me a nice warm feeling.

For some reason when the new year and Christmas are around I get paranoid. I worry that there is going to be some holiday catastrophe. I don’t know why. I just have always been that way. This year things have been a little different. I still have that lingering worry in the back of my head but I’ve also been able to enjoy moments.

My mood today is middle of the road, not bad but not good. I’ve been able to joke and smile though so that is a plus. I’m worried the depression is going to come again. I hope it stays away a little longer than it normally does. After all it always stays around longer than most of my other moods, it only seems fair.

Honestly the only thing I really want it time alone with my husband. That isn’t asking for much. Can’t wait for tomorrow.

How I Spent My Christmas

The title sounds like something you would have to write for school after the holidays. Yet I got some lovely pictures yesterday and wanted to share them with you all. My mood today is ok. I didn’t take my medications last night after drinking. I didn’t want to risk my health. I don’t think I am going to be drinking anymore, it seems really irresponsible. Even if it does help with the anxiety, it’s not a permanent solution.
Anyhow, here are the pics.

Merry Xmas

Surprisingly Today has been wonderful. We woke up and had bacon and eggs for breakfast made by MIL and then we relaxed. Hubby and I walked through Schram Park and I took some pictures with my new camera. Did I mention I got a new camera? lol

Dinner was lovely a prime rib and baked potatoes which was absolutely delicious and we played some games. I had a couple glasses of wine but not enough to get drunk. Just enough to be calm.

Today the sun was up and the temperature was 50 degrees. I got some gorgeous sunset pictures, but I’ll post pictures tomorrow when I have some time. Tonight I’m just gonna chill.

So Merry Christmas to everyone. I hope you are celebrating your holidays in the best mood possibly.

So It’s Begun

I woke up this morning and the feeling of overwhelming stress hit me. It’s that holiday feeling. Not that good one but one of panic!

There will be 4 children and 5 adults here later tonight and I am planning on not drinking and just trying to deal with everything. At least I was but as the hours pass and it is getting closer to everyone being here I am thinking about just a couple relaxing bottles of wine to help me relax.. err glasses wow think there was something going on in my brain there.. Like it will take 2 bottles of wine to relax. hahaha.. I’m funny sometimes.

Christmas won’t be that bad because it will be all adults. There is the opening of presents which I am embarrassed by. I never know if I react properly .. lots of stress.

Needless to say it will be tough couple of days, then we mix and repeat new year’s eve. I can make it through it though. I may have anxiety attacks and I may feel like running, but I can do this. It’s something normal family’s do.

Anyhow I hope you have a wonderful Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, see you tomorrow!

When I Am By Myself

When I am by myself I often ponder how I am feeling. I know lonely is something I feel a lot of the time. Though I try to talk to people online during the day to give myself a break from it.
Yet I never truly understand how I am feeling until I interact face to face.

This is the first day I have been alone for a few days and after tomorrow I won’t be alone for 11 days. Hubby will be here, mom’s husband will be here and so will my FIL, so there will be a lot of interaction and I’ll know from the beginning how I will feel. Due to FIL and mom’s hubby I am assuming I am going to be annoyed. They both love to take over the TV and put on nothing but shit. ugh..

I plan on drinking Christmas and New Year’s Eve to help deal with the social annoyance. It’s less painful than trying to bury those feelings for close to two weeks.

Though I am so happy that hubby will be home so long and he will be a good person to measure how I actually feel as opposed to trying to guess and hoping my medication increase is working on the depression. I know if it is then I can start working on trying to find a mood stabilizer to stop the constant mood swings. I’m what you call a rapid cycler which makes me bipolar 1.

Do you know how you are feeling when you are by yourself or do you just go through motions?

Family Celebration

Tonight we went over to my sister in laws for my nephews birthday. She has a small home with one bathroom and I was having some huge anxiety about going there. I even had dreams of going there while I napped before that were very stressful.

Yet I am proud to say not only did I go, I had fun, I ate some food and I had a pretty good time. For once I was able to over power my brain. Even the children didn’t bother me as much as they usually do.

This seems like my mood might finally be in an upswing. I’m afraid of course. Usually an upswing is followed by days of depression. I honestly will be happy if I can make it through the holidays without crashing. Especially since hubbby has 11 days off in a row. I don’t get that very often.

Wish me luck!