Today I woke up anxious, sad and very angry. Like punch someone in the face angry. I realised I was having a manic day after my one good mood day. Frustrating to say the least. I screamed and cried and fought the urge to hit someone and eventually it passed. I tried to think of more positive things to bring myself to a better mood. It worked today anyhow.
At least until tonight when I was trying to watch the walking dead. The mood is set, the surround sound on and the lights turned off. You have to watch it wtihout questioning, you just let yourself sink into the show and lose it. I was doing just that when MIL starts questioning everything. It really took me out of the mood and ruined the rest of the show for me and as you know, it was an emotional night if you are watching.
2 weeks, 4 days to go….
I am annoyed. No I’m beyond annoyed. Everything is ticking me off and I have no patience. I wanted to throw my laptop across the room because it isn’t loading properly. People are saying stupid ass shit, which makes me want to say mean ass shit. Grrrr.
I had a pleasant day earlier, went out grocery shopping and had lunch at olive garden. Then I bought a new cute pink purse and wallet. After that it all went to shit. Plus I think I am getting another head cold. So I don’t know what is setting me off.. Just general annoyance, lithium or who fricken knows.
Anyhow, can’t make a decision after one day whether lithium is for me, I just know I have to be careful because I am sensitive to medications..
Wish me luck I need it.
When I am by myself I often ponder how I am feeling. I know lonely is something I feel a lot of the time. Though I try to talk to people online during the day to give myself a break from it.
Yet I never truly understand how I am feeling until I interact face to face.
This is the first day I have been alone for a few days and after tomorrow I won’t be alone for 11 days. Hubby will be here, mom’s husband will be here and so will my FIL, so there will be a lot of interaction and I’ll know from the beginning how I will feel. Due to FIL and mom’s hubby I am assuming I am going to be annoyed. They both love to take over the TV and put on nothing but shit. ugh..
I plan on drinking Christmas and New Year’s Eve to help deal with the social annoyance. It’s less painful than trying to bury those feelings for close to two weeks.
Though I am so happy that hubby will be home so long and he will be a good person to measure how I actually feel as opposed to trying to guess and hoping my medication increase is working on the depression. I know if it is then I can start working on trying to find a mood stabilizer to stop the constant mood swings. I’m what you call a rapid cycler which makes me bipolar 1.
Do you know how you are feeling when you are by yourself or do you just go through motions?
Yesterday I was in a really great mood. I was happy and wanted to continue this mood, it was making me look forward to the holidays in my little prison here. Yet that had to change.
Last night the voice finale was on as was the finale for ink master. We watched the first hour of the voice then switched over to tattoo nightmare. Everyone was ok with this. Near the end of the hour MIL got impatient and went upstairs to find out the voice winner then came down and told us who it was.. let’s put it this way never watching that show again..
Anyhoo.. the news came on after all this shit and i asked if anyone was going to watch the news since I’ve been advised by my therapist to not watch it as it really affects my moods. Normally we just don’t so I was hoping I could put on something happier. Then I am sure just to be a bitch went, ya I’m watching it.
So I said fine I’m going to bed. I was hoping hubby would join me but he waited 30 mins which made my mind start to wander and become angrier and hate filled. I’m sure she heard me call her a fucking bitch through our door last night and I don’t care.
This is the only TV I can watch actual televsion on, she has one in her room that is hooked up to cable. If she didn’t want to watch ink master she could have said something.. she didn’t have to be a fucking snot..
anyhow, today my mood is still pissy. I feel like she ruined my happy and am not sure how to get it back causwe I just want to slap her in the face and say stop being so fucking selfish all the time.. ugh.
I mean she is like this with everything, she gave us every single thing we had around the house to stuff into the room, cause she doesn’t like sharing her space. We’re like prisoners that are allowed out to watch tv occasionally. it’s painful.
The weekend was good and relaxing, but now i am depressed and fucking annoyed and getting more annoyed. I hate the damn moodiness.
Being bipolar is hard. Dont let anyone tell you any different. The constant mood swings, the depression, the addictive behaviours, the self doubt. I even doubt that I can ever be successful because of the way it controls me instead of me controlling it.
I’m so angry right now and I have no reason to be but I feel like I want to punch someone in the neck or nuts. Now I have to sit down and analyze myself and try and figure out if it is from nothing or if I have a reason for feeling like shit.
Stupid manic-depressive girl, why can’t you just be happy.
I am so moody. It is really pissing me off. I have gone from sadness to pure rage. I haven’t felt rage in a long time. I realize that it is good that I am feeling again. The numbness was unbearable! I think that having to learn to feel again is always incredibly hard. You don’t know if your medications are making any difference because they typically take 3 weeks at minimum.
I am sure if the antidepressant works I will still need to take a mood stabilizer just to keep things on an even keel. Getting rid of the depression just opens up all the other over the top emotions I feel. I want to get my shit stable enough to be able to at least work at a part time job.
I realized talking with my husband while we walked tonight that I am feel useless. I don’t feel that I really contribute to our lives. I know that I make him laugh and smile but is that enough? I am always making things worse. I spend money when we need to be saving it. I seem to always constantly be having medical shit going on.
I feel worthless. I hate it 😦
Well imagine a hypo-manic person talking who isn’t you when you just have 3 long days of driving. Plus they aren’t really hypo-manic but just wont stop talking. Then you 10 pound yorkie attacks a fricken over weight border collie. Seriously off to a fun start.
Only 2 months 30+ days to go. I know I should be grateful that I am staying here at the mom-in-laws but it is already overwhelming and for some unknown reason she decided it would be a great week next week to have Jim’s aunt and husband, jims father and his sister with the four kids and ex hubby over. My god, I don’t think that is enough to drink in the world.
Going from being exposed to basically one person on a day to day basis to staying in a house with 4 other adults seems so scary. I don’t feel like I am going to have anywhere to hide.
Speaking of hiding my dear husband is doing a wonderful job of doing just that.
I feel like I have no where to turn and have to either stay in the bedroom with my husband or be polite because the man has no fricken manners. I am kind of pissed at him right now can you tell.
I’m just pissed in general I don’t know what to do with myself. I can just feel the anger building. I feel like the hulk. Colleen SMASH!
Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.
It is hard to remain positive when your body and brain are working so hard to take you down. I just want to sleep but I can’t for some reason or other. I can’t focus. I am super stressed and paranoid.
The only reason I am bothering to post at all is because I can’t let myself down again. I have to do this every day regardless of how I am feeling.
I just want to curl up and die. Ugh
I woke up bitchy, like rip the head off of teddy bears pissed. I realized that I wasn’t actually angry or upset about anything this was just my bipolarity rearing it’s ugly head. I mostly managed to keep in check only raising my voice or snapping a couple of times.
In the past I would have fed it. I would have just followed a circle of being pissed at being bitchy and eventually turned into a crazy scary person that is throwing shit around the house. That’s not to say I haven’t felt like throwing my mouse through my monitor a couple of times, I just didn’t follow through with it.
I managed to keep myself busy packing, the whole house is almost completely done now. Except for the few things that need to be packed last moment I don’t really have to much left to do. I have a feeling that isn’t going to be a very good thing but I hope I am not going to make a self-fulfilling prophecy. Who can say. I never know what mood I am going to wake up in.
In 9 days we’ll likely be stopping at our first hotel on the trip, depending on what time the movers come and take all of our stuff. I am going to try and keep both blogs going, the lumosity will likely have to wait until we are back in Omaha. I plan to do my blogs on my ipad so expect spelling errors! lol I am horrible with small typing keys. Could be worse could be my head phones.
Well I am off to bed gotta sleep when I am tired..
Shower – Want to Smell Great, Plus I’ll use this cute perfume.
Find outfit – look through closet and find something pretty easy.
Shoes – These are cute and can walk in them
Makeup – Not too much I hate the clean up afterwards.
Hair – I’ll wear it up, it’s easier and I am horrible at styling.
Husbands Compliment of me looking nice. – thank you!
Shower – Nah too much work, maybe tomorrow.
Find Outfit – I have no energy, I’ll just take this sundress that I threw on the floor a week ago.
Shoes – I wish I could just wear my slippers, but I guess I’ll change to sandals.
Makeup – Nah too much work.
Hair – it looks fine, a little bedheady but that’s all the rage.
Husbands Compliment of me looking nice – ya whatever.
Shower – Invite hubby in for a quickie.
Find Outfit- Dance around the house naked, teasing hubby. Eventually pick out the sluttiest dress I have.
Shoes- 5 inch stilettos, perfect.
Makeup- Dark red lipstick and a smoky eye. Sultry.
Hair – Wow this curling iron looks like a dick. Ask hubby for another quickie.
Hubbies Compliment of me looking nice – Another quickie of course. What a great way to thank him. Why does he look pained.
Shower – Turn on the tunes and spend 30 extra minutes in the shower singing into the loofa.
Find Outfit- This one looks good, how about this one, this one, ooh I like this one. Maybe not.. This one? Hmm okay this one.
Shoes- Tries on 20 different Shoes, 1 foot at a time, running 2 hours late now. Show hubby them all and discuss 5 different topics with him while you are doing it.
Makeup – Damn my hand is shaking, guess I am going with the bright green. Do you know how come eyes are different colors? and that I’m part Irish?
Hair – Up? Down? Curls? Ugh I’ll just brush it out, my natural waves will do, right? Right?
Hubbies Compliment of me looking nice – Thanks, but did you mean the dress? Do the shoes look ok? Hey did you see the thing on the news about the stuff? Can I just stay home and paint, or make jewelry or write?
Shower – Fuck that.
Find Outfit – I hate all these clothes, I hate everything in my closet.
Find Shoes – Throw a shoe at hubby for wondering what’s taking me so long
Makeup – No one will notice, screw it.
Hair – As I put a pony tail in I mumble and swear to myself about not wanting to go.
Hubbies Compliment of me looking nice – Fuck you. Start a fight about something stupid and end up not going.