agony

Murder She Wrote

I am so moody. It is really pissing me off. I have gone from sadness to pure rage. I haven’t felt rage in a long time. I realize that it is good that I am feeling again. The numbness was unbearable! I think that having to learn to feel again is always incredibly hard. You don’t know if your medications are making any difference because they typically take 3 weeks at minimum.

I am sure if the antidepressant works I will still need to take a mood stabilizer just to keep things on an even keel. Getting rid of the depression just opens up all the other over the top emotions I feel. I want to get my shit stable enough to be able to at least work at a part time job.

I realized talking with my husband while we walked tonight that I am feel useless. I don’t feel that I really contribute to our lives. I know that I make him laugh and smile but is that enough? I am always making things worse. I spend money when we need to be saving it. I seem to always constantly be having medical shit going on. 

I feel worthless. I hate it 😦

I Feel On Edge

I’ve spent the last couple/few nights drunk but I know I can’t do that for the next six months. There is some stress. Even my husband is feeling it.

We took the in-laws out to see the house we are planning to have build and also had a look at a possible plot we can build on. Tomorrow hubby is calling the lender to see about mortgage pre-approval. The sooner we know how much we are approved for the sooner we can set up the appt to get the house built and decide whT bells and whistles we want.

Honestly I am in love with the build so much. My very own art room close to where my husband would spend time on his computer or just chilling at the television. It’s a dream come true.

Today I already thought about baking thank you cupcakes after the house is built, now I just need to show some patience. That’s always the hard part isn’t it. I made it through the 6 months it took to get to Omaha, l think I will be able to get through the @6ish months it takes to build a house 😀

Plus I will have that once a week moving forward so I will be able to get rid of a lot of stress.