Trying To Get Me Shit Together

I showered… thank god that’s over because I smelled like weed. I started to notice it.. ya I needed that.

Today has been pretty uneventful except for the shower.

I was also horny as hell but it passed. This is weird because I haven’t been sexually aroused in quite some time because of the depression. Have I mentioned that I have the best husband ever? I have a man that can put up with the ups and mostly downs lately.

Tonight I’m just stoned and listening to music. I’ve felt kind of sad again today. Again since it is a feeling I should embrace it but I can’t. Emotions scare me.

They make me into other people.

Fuck em.


Sex Drive

Since my brain has changed and I’ve had a full hysterectomy my sex drive is mostly null and void. I love being close with my husband so when we do have sex I like to think of it as something extra special. I usually end up sore afterwards and am reminded of it for a few days.

Today was one of those days that we decided to have sex, it has been a couple months and hubbies body didn’t seem to know what to do with the fact that it was actually going to get some. It makes me feel bad when he has erectile problems but what can we do, if you aren’t allowed to pop your head up, you likely would keep it low too. We did manage to finally get into it and I’m glad. I’m always glad afterwards. It’s the getting into it that I’m not great about.  I wonder if hormones would help me.

I’m going to have to have my physical soon so I will ask then.

Anyhow at least today’s blog wasn’t about depression.

How Do You Ignore It

How do you ignore feeling emotionally and physically sick?

You can’t. You just have to sit in it and hope it will end at some point.

Will it? I don’t know anymore.

I’m tired. So fucking tired..

Trying to do things to keep my mind occupied.  It’s not helping my brain is all up in my business… Fucking brain.. hate it.


Last Night

It didn’t go like planned last night. We ordered two pizza’s and mom in law came for dinner but sis in law could only stop in a few minutes because she had a date. Got to meet him, he seemed nice.

I did at least get to finally get my stone back on. I’m a happier camper. Though honestly my mood has been improving with each day. Also my emotions are all showing, it’s interesting, I didn’t realize just how numb I really was until I cried at a sad video and got angry at a slight done to me. Plus they weren’t over the top and the anger didn’t last long after I got to my punching bag. Best thing hubby ever bought for us. You scream and kick the hell out of it. Very relaxing. Hmm that sounds weird but that is the way it makes me feel.

Today I haven’t done really much at all. I did eat some banana bread without thinking food is yucky, so that’s good. Mostly I’ve just been ‘chillin’ and listening to some tunes. Which is also very relaxing. Feels like a Sunday but it’s only Thursday. I love it when hubby takes the week off work to spend time with me and his computer. *wink*

I’m Walking

I woke up this morning and I had to get out of the house, likes minutes after I awoke. Luckily hubby was home and able to walk around the block with me. I know I wouldn’t have been able to do it by myself, I’m so thankful he is here. This summer goal is to walk to the corner house and back by myself several times.

Since I’ve come home I’ve been wandering around aimlessly. I’m feel pretty good emotionally actually. I’m gonna try and hold on to that and maybe get something done. I don’t know what yet, but the walk was definitely my high point so far.

I Hate Emotions

Before my emotions were all really straight forward and I knew what the cause of them typically was. Now I’m not sure how I’m feeling sometimes or what is causing whatever feelings I am having.

I’ve felt very unmotivated the past several days. Right now I am fighting the urge to just go to bed and dream my life away. I’m so restless. Am I depressed? I don’t know. I know I’m not entirely happy but I also don’t feel super bad. I just feel kind of blah.

It really was easier before the meds started fixing all my bipolar shit..

I Thought I Would Feel Different

I thought that my emotions would be different. I thought that I would suddenly want to do all sorts of things. I thought once I was in my house I wouldn’t experience the depression. I was wrong.

I’ve been feeling kind of blah today. Things are still not completely put away and I can’t take care of them until some dressers and shelves come later this week. I’m feeling overwhelmed and stressed.

I thought that I would just automatically be happier. I didn’t think that the mood swings would happen so soon. I thought I would at least be able to ride the high of owning a home.

It’s frustrating. I want to be happy and relaxed. Stupid brain.

I Have No Idea How I Feel

I woke up this morning, sad as usual and dragging myself out of the comfort of dreaming.

Right now I have no idea how I am feeling. I am by myself and that always gives me a low gauge on my emotions. Interacting always brings out how I am actually feeling. Usually Jim brings out the best of me even if I am depressed.

On a good note I have gotten a lot done today.

  • I got some painting done.
  • I did a drawing.
  • I cooked some sausage for dinner.
  • I did some laundry.
  • I put laundry away and tidied my room.

I think that puts me a little outside of depression but it’s only 3pm and I’m bored and lonely. Laundry takes a while to be done and do the rest. I ran out of paint and can’t work on my painting and dinner isn’t for a few hours to finish it. I think tomorrow I’ll start working out. Today I am gonna just watch some TV and wait for hubby to pick me up and take me to Michael’s and the house.

Moods are weird. Wish I could read them better.

Now I”m Sick

On top of the emotional turmoil of the last few days I am now sick. I have another damn cold or the flu. Overnight I developed a sore throat, stuffy nose and I am sure that it is only going to get worse as I am developing a fricken headache as I write this.

A normal non happening day would be very welcomed. I’m not gonna write much because I really feel like crap.

On an emotional level I am pretty level though. Not sad which is good. Not happy but just even..

I Feel On Edge

I’ve spent the last couple/few nights drunk but I know I can’t do that for the next six months. There is some stress. Even my husband is feeling it.

We took the in-laws out to see the house we are planning to have build and also had a look at a possible plot we can build on. Tomorrow hubby is calling the lender to see about mortgage pre-approval. The sooner we know how much we are approved for the sooner we can set up the appt to get the house built and decide whT bells and whistles we want.

Honestly I am in love with the build so much. My very own art room close to where my husband would spend time on his computer or just chilling at the television. It’s a dream come true.

Today I already thought about baking thank you cupcakes after the house is built, now I just need to show some patience. That’s always the hard part isn’t it. I made it through the 6 months it took to get to Omaha, l think I will be able to get through the @6ish months it takes to build a house 😀

Plus I will have that once a week moving forward so I will be able to get rid of a lot of stress.