I’m just sitting here listening to music, you know making myself feel good. Ya good. Isn’t that something? I even had a good dream last night and I never get those!
Maybe these meds are making more of a difference than I thought. Well it’s hard to tell from having one good day. I’m putting the eggs before the chicken but it will hopefully turn out to be a full day.
So I figured why not come on and post. I need to get my post count up it’s been appalling of late and hopefully it will make someone else feel good or hopeful. Who knows right? I don’t know what you who read my blog really get from it but I’m glad you read it.
For those curious about if I’ve given up the weed, I haven’t but it isn’t affecting anything that I see at present anyhow.
I think I’ll post! Sorry it has been a while but I have been seriously so depressed I was happy if I showered once every two weeks! I’ve had no motivation. Honestly I say it is partially genuine feelings and this new weed I got. Both make me want to do more.
I did go to Applebee’s during a slow time for lunch last week. Slowly getting at doing more.
I’ve been playing my computer games but still haven’t painted. I can feel it coming though the painting will happen sometime I just have to patiently wait for my brain to allow it.
My anxiety has sucked a lot lately. My brain just always goes to a negative place for every single thought that I have. I don’t know what to do about it except give my head a shake and go on to the next thought and hope it is better.
Anyhow nothing really has happened besides the Applebee’s thing. My life is not real exciting right now. My days are spent stoned and dozing in the recliner listening to music. It makes me feel relaxed and shuts that voice up for a little while. So I always end up doing it every day. Though the night before I always claim will be a weed free day but it doesn’t end up that way. oh well.
This and the last post are closer than I’ve been in a long while. The wellbutrin has me motivated I suppose. I’m not unhappy. Still terrified of everything. It seems like all I can do is think of the worst scenario for anything. My brain never goes to the positive side.
I did walk to the mail box by myself today though. So that’s a huge accomplishment, specially when I have the flu. I did think a lot of negative things on the way there. Often times if keeps me from going though and this time it did not. This gives me some hope for myself and freedom from this prison I’ve created for myself. Tonight’s also the first time I’ve been high in a week. Which was a choice not because I ran out! I’m getting better at being recreational.
Anyhow I think that’s all I wanted to say.
Today I walked round our block catching Pokemon and talking with my husband. I also went to Walmart and did grocery shopping. I haven’t felt like writing or really doing anything at all so there have been no real accomplishments except going on living.
Today I am just sitting back relaxing listening to tunes and smoking green.
The depression has been weighing on me quite a bit lately. I really think I need to set an alarm for blogging again. Ya I think I will, if I remember.. hehe.
I hope to be returning back to writing daily soon.
So apparently I’ve had this blog for 3 years. I really need to start writing more again.
I have been pretty self involved lately and have been doing things I want to. The amazing thing is I want to do things. I mean the want to do anything is amazing.
I haven’t done anything exciting and I’m almost ready to start doing some painting, just waiting for an easel that I purchased. I’m going to be trying painting with Bob Ross so for Christmas hubby let me get a bunch of new brushes and paints, I’m very excited but also very nervous about it, not sure why I am nervous but I just am.
I went a couple of weeks I think without weed, it was interesting. I find I can do fine either way.
I’ve been spending a lot of time with hubby too. Woot, love spending time with that man.
I need to get out of here. I don’t need to leave for more than a few days but I need a change.
Today’s accomplishments were cleaning up the floors, and doing a couple of loads of laundry and actually putting it away. Maybe tomorrow I’ll do some more and finally get caught up. I’m still finding it hard to get motivated. I feel like a Emo kid. Sigh I don’t want to do anything but maybe if I start something, than I’m all like what the fuck did I get myself into and that’s how I get anything done at all. Which I really haven’t much, which is why I haven’t posted.
Only reason I am posting today is I’m stoned and accidentally went to my blog page. Then I had to write. I mean I do want to write more don’t get me wrong, again it’s that lack of motivation thing happening. I wish I could force myself to sleep just whenever and than I would have a way to pass time.
Even looking for a way to finish this is exhausting.
I didn’t make any real resolutions, I merely have decided to try and be better than I was last year. Which of course means holding myself accountable at times which I freaking hate.
I’m only posting because my blog link was sitting there taunting me.
The weed makes me incredibly unmotivated. Even as I write this sighs of frustration leave me at just having to put word to paper so to speak. That sentence sucks. Oh well it’s gonna keep sucking because I don’t feel like putting a lot of motivation into this… my fingers feel like they are crawling across the keys at the pace of a snail, annoying.
I know that when I write I feel a little better at least when it is finally done. I don’t get a lot of good feelings but accomplishing something always gives me a little burst. This blog will be all I do today. I don’t want to do anything else. meh
I know it, I suck. I have barely been posting this holiday season. I just haven’t felt like writing. I painted last night though. Me and the sister in law followed a Bob Ross Video and proceeded to try to repeat the process in acrylics. I think they both turned out pretty cool.
It was family night so mom in law was over too for a time and we got to chat and hang.
I got drunk last night, it was a mistake. Feel like crap today.
Giving up weed for a month again. Going to see if that helps with the brain at all. Mostly I’m concerned about the paranoia. I hope it’s the pot. Though I’ve been paranoid in the past and it’s all been me, so I’ll just have to wait and see. I know giving up weed during the holidays is asking for trouble but I’m tired of being the whacked out girl too. I just spent the last month high every single day from morning until bed. It’s crazy and it’s fucking expensive. My husband is supportive either way, which is awesome.
It’s remarkable because I didn’t realize how damn numb I was until I wasn’t anymore. I’m not sure what to do about feelings. I cry, I get jealous, I get angry, I laugh, I feel joy and I feel like I’m spinning, like my head just won’t focus on one thing for very long. You know those racing thoughts? I only got four hours of sleep last night because of them and a headache. I need my brain to slow down. I’m still not motivated to do much either. gah.
“I’m gonna get the fire started. Impossible for you to breathe.” (cascada – pyromania)
Yep those lyrics basically describe how my anxiety has been lately. It’s all calm then all of a sudden I’m getting a hot flash and an anxiety attack.
My mood has been fairly good though. My mind has been quick. These are good things.
So it’s definitely improving.
I’m not writing as often as I like but I’ve noticed that I’m just not motivated at all. I think it’s the weed. I shouldn’t have got more but I thought all I can do is make things better right?
Wrong. I do absolutely nothing.
The new meds have caused me to gain over 20 fucking pounds! After losing over 60 this is a real kick in the face.
Tonight I went over to my mother in laws and had Thanksgiving dinner. It was lovely and the food was delish. I was drunk before we ate. The wine just slid down my throat so easily, you know how that can be when you are anxious.
My niece hugged me tonight and it made me feel wonderful.
It was a good day all in all. There was some Skip-bo. I’m not sure if that is the correct spelling of it, but it was fun. I didn’t win and I didn’t care. It was just chill.
Mom in law sent us home with food stuffs and a couple of bottles of wine. I know what I’m doing tomorrow. I’ll be out of weed again.
Should I get more or just give my brain some time to figure out the new med, let me know your opinion.