This and the last post are closer than I’ve been in a long while. The wellbutrin has me motivated I suppose. I’m not unhappy. Still terrified of everything. It seems like all I can do is think of the worst scenario for anything. My brain never goes to the positive side.
I did walk to the mail box by myself today though. So that’s a huge accomplishment, specially when I have the flu. I did think a lot of negative things on the way there. Often times if keeps me from going though and this time it did not. This gives me some hope for myself and freedom from this prison I’ve created for myself. Tonight’s also the first time I’ve been high in a week. Which was a choice not because I ran out! I’m getting better at being recreational.
Anyhow I think that’s all I wanted to say.
Today at 11:18am I have already had some accomplishments. I have taken the garbage and recycling out and walked both dogs separately to the mailbox! Yep doesn’t sound like much but for someone whose house needs a full cleaning it’s a head start and it’s something I can do. I plan to also do the two loads of laundry I have had sitting in the laundry room since my mom’s visit. (That’s what happens when you own too many clothes).
I decided I would also post on my blog. So here I am! Hi 🙂
My depression must be improving without me knowing it though because the wellbutrin seems to be doing some motivating. The increase of the rexulti seems to be helping too. Though I admit the last two days I napped in the afternoon just to pass time, I was so lonely. I don’t know how to interact with people anymore. I used to play WoW and be in a guild and talk with a lot of people. I need to start doing that again just to be a part of something and to interact with people again.
I’ll figure it out I guess.
I miss my sister in law. She is dating a really nice person right now and I haven’t had a chance to see her very much. Hopefully as they get more serious that will change though and there will be a little wiggle room for me. We’ll see.
I need to get out of here. I don’t need to leave for more than a few days but I need a change.
Today’s accomplishments were cleaning up the floors, and doing a couple of loads of laundry and actually putting it away. Maybe tomorrow I’ll do some more and finally get caught up. I’m still finding it hard to get motivated. I feel like a Emo kid. Sigh I don’t want to do anything but maybe if I start something, than I’m all like what the fuck did I get myself into and that’s how I get anything done at all. Which I really haven’t much, which is why I haven’t posted.
Only reason I am posting today is I’m stoned and accidentally went to my blog page. Then I had to write. I mean I do want to write more don’t get me wrong, again it’s that lack of motivation thing happening. I wish I could force myself to sleep just whenever and than I would have a way to pass time.
Even looking for a way to finish this is exhausting.
I didn’t make any real resolutions, I merely have decided to try and be better than I was last year. Which of course means holding myself accountable at times which I freaking hate.
I’m only posting because my blog link was sitting there taunting me.
The weed makes me incredibly unmotivated. Even as I write this sighs of frustration leave me at just having to put word to paper so to speak. That sentence sucks. Oh well it’s gonna keep sucking because I don’t feel like putting a lot of motivation into this… my fingers feel like they are crawling across the keys at the pace of a snail, annoying.
I know that when I write I feel a little better at least when it is finally done. I don’t get a lot of good feelings but accomplishing something always gives me a little burst. This blog will be all I do today. I don’t want to do anything else. meh
We’ve lost Carrie Fisher. An advocate for mental health and a remarkable woman. I cried. I’m not a Star Wars fan but we have so few people who stand up for mental health awareness, losing one tore me up. We lost Prince and George Michael. I shouldn’t see people I listened to as a teen dying, it’s just horrific and scary.
On a positive note I went out today. I went to Sam’s and Hobby Lobby and was supposed to go to my shrinks but she was sick and had to cancel. I made it through Christmas Eve and Christmas without drinking or smoking weed. I Did It! Man I’m glad that part is over though.
My father in law is still here. He leaves on the 30th. Tomorrow my mother in law comes over and Thursday, the whole damn family will be here for my sister’s in law birthday. I love her and would do anything for her. It’s a lot of stimulation though. Too much by the time things wind down.
I’m ready for this year to be over… Course the next four years are likely to be a nightmare too but for a completely different reason..
I almost dread the good days because I know they don’t last very long.
Yesterday I was in a good mood, I actually got some shit done around the house. I cleaned laundry, picked up some around the house and then spent the day watching Glimore girls and the occasional Boss Ross video.
Today I woke up and feel overwhelmed. I know I have things I need to get done for Christmas and for my father in law’s visit. He will be here in 5 days!
The house isn’t in that bad of shape I suppose. Mostly it’s little things. However it is the little things that make my brain overload and want to shut down.
At least I wrote my blog today.
I woke up first thing this morning (well 11:00am) and went straight to the phone to order my xanax as my prescription only has about 8 days left and I don’t want to be without for even a minute. I’ve noticed that one of the few things I actually manage to keep track of despite having alarms.
As you know I set an alarm to write each day, sometimes I don’t follow through. I could even be sitting right here at the computer and not do it. I don’t know why. Motivation is very hard.
Yesterday I emptied the sink into the dishwasher it was crammed packed with dishes and I thought maybe it would be good if the sink looked nice. So I did something yesterday as far as an accomplishments. Just a little one a day might lead to bigger and better things.
It’s 11:16am and I’ve already done my blog.. Today is a good day.
I want to do some things, does that mean the depression is leaving? I dunno, I’m not actually motivated enough to do anything of the things I want to do.
Need to get ready for mom, since she will be here in less than a week. So need to dust and vacuum the guest bedroom and bathroom. I just need to get off my lazy ass.
6 days and counting.
My mom is going to be here in a week. She’ll stay for a month or so. Usually we have a pretty good hang. I’m looking forward to it actually. I’m even looking forward to my trip to Colorado but still terrified, you know THAT feeling.
Haven’t felt motivated today at all, just am honestly blogging because I thought of it. I don’t want to be a quitter. I do enjoy writing about how I am feeling. Right now I am feeling umm trapped kinda, it’s weird. Though since I rarely go outside, I can truly understand why I would feel that way.
Depression is lingering, not motivated like I said before. Like right right there…^
I feel horrible. Physically and emotionally. I’ve had the chills on and off today. I slept until 1:30pm and got nothing accomplished.
I feel like shit.
I’m so depressed again. I hate it so much.
I have no motivation.