I didn’t make any real resolutions, I merely have decided to try and be better than I was last year. Which of course means holding myself accountable at times which I freaking hate.
I’m only posting because my blog link was sitting there taunting me.
The weed makes me incredibly unmotivated. Even as I write this sighs of frustration leave me at just having to put word to paper so to speak. That sentence sucks. Oh well it’s gonna keep sucking because I don’t feel like putting a lot of motivation into this… my fingers feel like they are crawling across the keys at the pace of a snail, annoying.
I know that when I write I feel a little better at least when it is finally done. I don’t get a lot of good feelings but accomplishing something always gives me a little burst. This blog will be all I do today. I don’t want to do anything else. meh
I should be counting he days that I am miserable. I know I had a good day or two but mostly they have all been depressive.
My husband wants me to try this herbal supplement that helps with depression. I mean I tried ETC so why wouldn’t I try some herbal shit right? Might as well try them all.
I did accomplish something today though and that was making dinner. Not a huge accomplishment but one none-the-less.
I have been reading and just trying not to go back to bed and dream. I love dreaming, good things happen there and weird things and even bad things but none of them feel as bad as I do when I’m awake.
I’m really tired of this shit.
I got nothing to write.. oh I bet that makes the writers shudder. I mean I have nothing to write about.
Today I showered and cleaned the sheets and comforter for the bed so I got something accomplished.
Now I’m just stoned and watching Last Man Standing.
Yesterday I ended up feeling pretty good. I actually went out and did some shopping at the pet store and grocery store. I made the mistake after I came home to get drunk and now I again feel like shit with a lovely hangover and sense of anxiety. I don’t think I’ll do that again. I’ll stick to the weed when I am able to get it.
I want to be out in the world but people terrify me. Those poor people in Orlando who were shot to death just for being in the wrong spot at the wrong time. 50 people dead because it’s so easy for people to get their hands on weapons like guns 😦 I don’t want to be a statistic. It makes me even more frightened to leave the house.
Who would have thought a house in tornado alley would give me some sense of comfort.
Yesterday I walked around the block by myself and felt pretty good about it. Doesn’t seem like that big of a deal to most but I wasn’t even going out 2 months ago, let alone, alone. I decided to do it again today. I was fine walking around the block, talking in my head to myself about how it wasn’t a big deal. I had to pee the whole time so that kind of kept me focused enough to go around the whole block.
When I got into the apartment though my hands started shaking, my breathe became quick and I felt like fainting. I’ve never fainted, ever.. I often wonder when I start hyperventilating if this is going to be the time that I do. I guess not this time.
When I have a panic attack which this clearing is the walls start closing in, giving me that disassociation I often have. It makes me feel like I am looking at the world through one of those boxes you make to watch eclipses, if that makes any sense.
I thought I would run and grab a clonazepam and wait for it to work, but I am going to breathe through it, write through it, deal with it.
My depression might be starting to take a hold but I am not going to let the anxiety ruin an accomplishment for me. So I am going to breathe, slow.. breathe, calm..
It is a beautiful day.
I walk around the block by myself.
It’s time to breathe.