Doing Stuff

I was so excited yesterday that I went for a walk through the schramm park. I’d finally have something to write a blog post about. Than I forgot to post at all.

Today I have been doing some painting. There is some great music playing and there is a noticeable mood level. I felt happy today. Happy! I haven’t felt that in a very long time. I hope that means this is the drug for me.

Harder not to feel hopeful.


Haven’t Written In A Few Days

Today I started off by going for a walk. Didn’t want to do anything but needed to see how focused I am when I wake up and when I wake up and “bake”.

I haven’t felt like writing at all and normally I log in and at least put a sentence but I didn’t feel like doing it either.

I’m depressed. Am  I feeling better, I can’t tell yet.

I’m super frustrated.



Still Blah

It takes me forever to get out of bed once I wake up. It’s so warm and comforting. When I finally did wake up I asked hubby if he wanted to go for a walk. Then away we went for a walk around the neighborhood. I at least accomplished something today if nothing else happens I gotta keep this in perspective.

I’m considering giving up the weed again. It’s tough because it gets me through a lot of stress but it really is messing with my antidepressants and honestly which is more important at the moment.  I’m tired of being sad, I should be filled with joy about my grandchild.

Well off to find something to do hopefully.

Back To Normal

Tomorrow FIL leave and I work a little and it wil be so quiet..

Quiet never thought I would love it, but I can’t wait to have some time to myself. I think I am growing as a person.

Walked again tonight in my in the future neighborhood. Hate waiting for things to happen but someone has moved into the first home in the neighborhood. I’m excited for them.

I’m gonna become better physically to work with my maturing emotionally. It can get better. All of it.

I Can’t Breathe

Yesterday I walked around the block by myself and felt pretty good about it. Doesn’t seem like that big of a deal to most but I wasn’t even going out 2 months ago, let alone, alone. I decided to do it again today. I was fine walking around the block, talking in my head to myself about how it wasn’t a big deal. I had to pee the whole time so that kind of kept me focused enough to go around the whole block.

When I got into the apartment though my hands started shaking, my breathe became quick and I felt like fainting. I’ve never fainted, ever.. I often wonder when I start hyperventilating if this is going to be the time that I do. I guess not this time.

When I have a panic attack which this clearing is the walls start closing in, giving me that disassociation I often have. It makes me feel like I am looking at the world through one of those boxes you make to watch eclipses, if that makes any sense.

I thought I would run and grab a clonazepam and wait for it to work, but I am going to breathe through it, write through it, deal with it.

My depression might be starting to take a hold but I am not going to let the anxiety ruin an accomplishment for me.  So I am going to breathe, slow.. breathe, calm..

It is a beautiful day.

I walk around the block by myself.

It’s time to breathe.