Yesterday I walked around the block by myself and felt pretty good about it. Doesn’t seem like that big of a deal to most but I wasn’t even going out 2 months ago, let alone, alone. I decided to do it again today. I was fine walking around the block, talking in my head to myself about how it wasn’t a big deal. I had to pee the whole time so that kind of kept me focused enough to go around the whole block.
When I got into the apartment though my hands started shaking, my breathe became quick and I felt like fainting. I’ve never fainted, ever.. I often wonder when I start hyperventilating if this is going to be the time that I do. I guess not this time.
When I have a panic attack which this clearing is the walls start closing in, giving me that disassociation I often have. It makes me feel like I am looking at the world through one of those boxes you make to watch eclipses, if that makes any sense.
I thought I would run and grab a clonazepam and wait for it to work, but I am going to breathe through it, write through it, deal with it.
My depression might be starting to take a hold but I am not going to let the anxiety ruin an accomplishment for me. So I am going to breathe, slow.. breathe, calm..
It is a beautiful day.
I walk around the block by myself.
It’s time to breathe.