I Can’t Breathe

Yesterday I walked around the block by myself and felt pretty good about it. Doesn’t seem like that big of a deal to most but I wasn’t even going out 2 months ago, let alone, alone. I decided to do it again today. I was fine walking around the block, talking in my head to myself about how it wasn’t a big deal. I had to pee the whole time so that kind of kept me focused enough to go around the whole block.

When I got into the apartment though my hands started shaking, my breathe became quick and I felt like fainting. I’ve never fainted, ever.. I often wonder when I start hyperventilating if this is going to be the time that I do. I guess not this time.

When I have a panic attack which this clearing is the walls start closing in, giving me that disassociation I often have. It makes me feel like I am looking at the world through one of those boxes you make to watch eclipses, if that makes any sense.

I thought I would run and grab a clonazepam and wait for it to work, but I am going to breathe through it, write through it, deal with it.

My depression might be starting to take a hold but I am not going to let the anxiety ruin an accomplishment for me.  So I am going to breathe, slow.. breathe, calm..

It is a beautiful day.

I walk around the block by myself.

It’s time to breathe.

2 comments

  1. Crazy that for a place you hate, you’re going to have so many good memories of it. It’s been part of your catalyst for change and I’m so proud of you. Kicking ass in spite of all the ‘dolphins’.

    Like

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