Month: May 2016

Ahead This Time

I actually thought about writing my blog without using the alarm! Hopefully this will become a good habit again.

How am I feeling today? I honestly don’t know. I am motivated enough to shower and wash the dog. (two for one deal) I was able to eat a little already which is good. Lately I have just such a hard time eating. I know it is all in my brain though. I just have to be tougher than it for a change. Eating when you don’t want to is just very difficult. I’m not exactly nauseated. It’s really hard to describe.

My mood is good. My anxiety is middle of the road. I try not to think about it too much. Thinking about my anxiety makes me more anxious. Stupid huh?

So far today has been kind to me with the hot flashes. I am hoping my body is getting used to the Latuda.

Still missing my weed though. I didn’t realize just how much it helped with things like anxiety and eating.  Tonight I should be able to get some more though.  I wish I lived in Colorado.


Recently my doctor increased my Latuda to 80mg up from 60mg.  I didn’t connect the fact that the Latuda and these horrible hot flashes I’ve been having were connected. Well since it has gotten worse since the increase I am going to say it is definitely from the Latuda.

The thing is it’s working for me. I’m less depressed but more anxious. I also think that’s related so I don’t know what to do about it. I hope that both pass as I get used to the drug being in my system.

If you’ve never had a hot flash then you have no idea how horrible it makes you feel. You are all of a sudden on fire, it’s so hot it make’s you nauseated. It feel like it it never going to end but then it does and you are completely soaked head to toe in sweat. I feel consistantly sticky all the time. My dogs love it though cause I’m salty. I hope they pass or there is something that will help cause I don’t want to give up the Latuda.

Exciting Things & Boring Things

I have posted over 500 posts and now have almost 400 followers. I don’t understand it but I’m excited someone wants to read what I am saying, So thank you!

I’ve been getting involved with Facebook more and more as it helps alleviate the loneliness and I only have people I care about on there so I can be myself.

I’m super stressed right now about hubbies upcoming trip but at least my mom in law is going to come and stay over for the four nights he is gone. I’m so thankful for her. My sister in law and her invited me out for a beer today but I just wasn’t up to it because of the stress. Going out is hard enough.

Last night I rode to MacDonald’s with hubby I didn’t want to go so I went. I wish I could do that more. It’ll take time but I’ll get there. I don’t want to be lonely anymore.


I always believed that when I was all grown up I would never want for anything. I could eat anything that I wanted. I could go into the stores and request any item of any price and it would be mine.

Little did I know that there would be days where I was hungry. Times when all I could do of was dream of having the simplistic comforts.

At this point in my life, things are better and I have what a lot of people call first world problems. Took me a long time to reach this point but honestly I think life is better than I could have ever imagined. Even on days like today where I am feeling like shit I know that I want for nothing but maybe a little peace of mind.



Usually they mean well in everything they do, well the good ones anyhow. However my hubby thought it was a great idea to shut my blog alarm off before we watched the last of Supernatural.

So I did not post yesterday, I’m frustrated but really there is nothing you can do if you miss something. Just try to be more attentive to things.

Today I am feeling tired. I dunno why I slept my normal 10 hours. I am just super tired and bored.

I’m out of weed, not stopping, just out.  Which is also frustrating.

So I’m sleepy, frustrated and bored.

Sorry there is nothing interesting to read today.


Missed My Tuesday Post

I guess this will take a while for me to make it a habit. My alarm didn’t go off cause somebody shut the sound off on my iPad. That somebody would be me. 😦

Today has been uneventful so far, other than the ass kicking I gave myself for missing my blog. Shit happens, need to not dwell on it.

Today I bought some bracelets that support Saving Sea Turtles. I love turtles, I collect them actually. They remind me of myself. Sometimes I hide away in my armor too. Plus they are super cute.

Don’t think that we are doing Family Dinner tonight. I suppose that’s okay. Though I need to talk to MiL as I want her to sleep over for a few nights in June. Hubby has to travel and I hate to be alone. Daytime is bad enough honestly. Multiple days is really difficult. Nothing I can do though.

Ya that kind of wraps things up.

Writer’s Block

I’m just sitting here looking at my keyboard trying to think of something to write.

Let’s see. Well this morning I was awoken by thunderstorms. I hate hate hate thunderstorms. I’m terrified they will turn into a tornado. I know what to do if it happens but that doesn’t make it any less terrifying. Plus they are calling for storms all damn week. Hubby can not get off soon enough. Time off that is.

I played some hearthstone. It pissed me off so after two games I quit. I’m kind of shaky today.

Oh I read an entire book today, in about 6 hours. Ended up buying the sequel, hope it’s just as good. I can’t remember what it’s called and I’m too lazy to go downstairs and look or I’d tell you the name. It’s a gruesome story of a tormented female FBI agent who tracks down serial killers. Maybe not to everyone’s taste. I love being able to access so many books both through amazon and itunes.  Usually I just read vampire/werewolf/witch books. I love the supernatural but the book was free and I’ll read a free book.

Well I guess I ended up writing more than I had thought would even come out. Apparently babbling to yourself is the way to write sometimes.


I both love and hate Sundays. I love spending time with hubby. Sundays we probably spend the most time together. We’ve been watching the last two seasons of Supernatural that we have DVR’d. It’s enjoyable, passes time and I get to look at two extra cute guys. LOL . The reason I hate Sundays is I know Monday is coming and hubby will leave to go to work and I’ll be wandering the house for the next week. Hubby is getting 9 days off in a row next week though so I just have to make it past this one.

I haven’t done much else today except for realize that I’ve really let myself go. I need to start working on everything. However that is overwhelming so I will likely start with one thing at a time. It’s easier to focus for me if I introduce stuff slowly. I’ve already been working on my diet. Now I am going to be working certain muscles out every single time I think about it. Which I hope is a lot, I’m not setting alarms for it though as it is easier to just do it the second I start thinking about it.

I removed a Facebook page I liked yesterday. It’s all pro animal and often shows videos of rescues. I love the rescues and the babies finding their new homes. I hate seeing what people will do to an innocent. It makes my stomach and heart hurt like no one business. I am one of those people that usually bury my head in the sand so I don’t find out about the bad things going on in the world. I mean my brain is already my greatest enemy, who needs the scum of the earth added to my already fragile mind.

Ever wanted to make a difference, have no idea where to start and feel that your social anxiety/agoraphobia will stop you from doing anything of value.

My best friend Dani who passed last year would foster animals and go to pet adoptions to help out. Even with fighting cancer she stepped out and did really good things.  I wish I was more like her. She was so brave. I could handle the animals it’s the people I am terrified of.  I need to get past this fear, I’m 47 I think it is about time I did something with my life.


People & Animals

I have two dogs, a 13 pounds Maltese mix and a 4,5 pound Yorkie. I love them with every fiber of my being.

I hate hearing about people harming animals, it hurts my heart and makes me want to take even more animals in. I won’t cause of my depression and the two doggies I have now are enough work.

The reason I’m talking about this is because I have been watching videos and reading stories all day about animal rescues and various other animal related stuff mostly it was super cuteness. I like to read about rescues. Not because I enjoy hearing the horrible things people do, but because I love to see the wonderful things people do. There are really two kinds of people. You are either good or you are not. I’m not talking on a heaven or hell level. I’m just talking about how you treat and respect people and animals. You are either good or bad. I don’t see grey. Good people can do bad things, it happens. We’re all so human. I would be happy as hell if some kind of UFO came and sucked up all the assholes though!

Today I have been twitchy. I am having a hard time sitting still but I’m also finding it hard to find something to do. Today I have cried, laughed, smiled, ranted and faced some of people social anxiety by sitting on my porch while there are a ton of construction workers building a house next door. It was difficult. I would like to be able to do one thing I am afraid of once a day. I need to get out of my rut.


Today I when my blogging alarm went off that was the sound I made, ugh.

Today has been a alright day. Physically I feel off, like my head is full of cotton balls. I hate that, it almost makes me feel like pulling back into a corner and crying.

I have accomplished some things though. I walked to the mailbox with my hubby. I had a shower. I painted my nails. Doesn’t seem like much does it? Yet all of those things  are hard for me to get motivated to do. Sometimes it can be a week or more between showers when I’m in a depressive place. It makes me feel gross and sad. Though I always look fine to everyone else. That’s always been important to me, calmness on the outside while screaming on the inside! Anyone else do this?

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day physically. I’m not quitting smoking weed but I am going to give myself a few days break, my throat hurts. Plus I see my psychiatrist on Thursday and I want to be able to tell my shrink how I really feel.

I feel motivated but sad and I think the sad will go away as soon as my body stops bothering me.