Why Not 3?

Today at 11:18am I have already had some accomplishments. I have taken the garbage and recycling out and walked both dogs separately to the mailbox! Yep doesn’t sound like much but for someone whose house needs a full cleaning it’s a head start and it’s something I can do. I plan to also do the two loads of laundry I have had sitting in the laundry room since my mom’s visit. (That’s what happens when you own too many clothes).

I decided I would also post on my blog. So here I am! Hi 🙂

My depression must be improving without me knowing it though because the wellbutrin seems to be doing some motivating. The increase of the rexulti seems to be helping too. Though I admit the last two days I napped in the afternoon just to pass time, I was so lonely. I don’t know how to interact with people anymore. I used to play WoW and be in a guild and talk with a lot of people. I need to start doing that again just to be a part of something and to interact with people again.

I’ll figure it out I guess.

I miss my sister in law. She is dating a really nice person right now and I haven’t had a chance to see her very much. Hopefully as they get more serious that will change though and there will be a little wiggle room for me.  We’ll see.


What a Horrible Year

We’ve lost Carrie Fisher. An advocate for mental health and a remarkable woman.  I cried. I’m not a Star Wars fan but we have so few people who stand up for mental health awareness, losing one tore me up. We lost Prince and George Michael. I shouldn’t see people I listened to as a teen dying, it’s just horrific and scary.

On a positive note I went out today. I went to Sam’s and Hobby Lobby and was supposed to go to my shrinks but she was sick and had to cancel.  I made it through Christmas Eve and Christmas without drinking or smoking weed.  I Did It! Man I’m glad that part is over though.

My father in law is still here. He leaves on the 30th. Tomorrow my mother in law comes over and Thursday, the whole damn family will be here for my sister’s in law birthday. I love her and would do anything for her. It’s a lot of stimulation though. Too much by the time things wind down.

I’m ready for this year to be over… Course the next four years are likely to be a nightmare too but for a completely different reason..




Today I got all my Christmas wrapping done.  Which means I also got all my Christmas shopping done.. Thank you Amazon!

I didn’t accomplish much else but one thing a day right.

Yesterday I went out to the grocery store and tomorrow I am going to my sister in laws for my nephews birthday. The holiday season has begun!

Anxiety be damned…


I Admit It

I was too stoned and forgot to write my blog again.. or maybe I did… nah I didn’t.

Today was productive. I’ve had a shower, washed some clothes and working on cleaning the bedding right now. Well drying it. I went out to Michael’s to get some Halloween decor for our island in the kitchen and I also went to best buy to replace my speakers.

I also haven’t smoked yet. So productivity first, smoking after.

I had a good time last night though, hung out with hubby watching the last season of Netflix New Girl. I’m not sure how far behind we are now, but it was wonderful anyhow.

My mood has definitely been up and I think it’s the weed. It’s mixing with my antidepressants just right..

Day 2 Done

I Did it!!!! I made it through both days without anything horrible happening.  I’m so glad that is over with. I even went out to lunch with hubby after like a normal person. I will finally be able to relax and not have to worry about anything for a while. They even updated my permanent resident card so I have a valid ID until my new one comes in.

I’m very thankful right now. For the people in my life. The wonderful readers who read my blog and just for being generally healthy.

It’s a nice change from sad and angry and stressed. I think that I will just enjoy the rest of the day without worrying about anything else.


I Did Stuff

I actually feel physically crappy but I managed to do the dishes and laundry. I can never tell where I am emotionally when my body is being a dick.

I am also really damn fidgety it’s hard to just relax you know?

Is it mania? possibly .. I have am definitely experiencing a  lot of emotions.  I bawled my ass off today after watching some videos. I had a real reason to cry but I rarely do so it came as a shock, which just made me sob all the harder. I think it was cathartic though.

I really am missing my family right now. Especially my daughter and grandson. I wonder if I’ll ever get to meet him face to face and it hurts to think that I may not because of my stupid fears.

Being afraid all the time is so taxing.


Today I when my blogging alarm went off that was the sound I made, ugh.

Today has been a alright day. Physically I feel off, like my head is full of cotton balls. I hate that, it almost makes me feel like pulling back into a corner and crying.

I have accomplished some things though. I walked to the mailbox with my hubby. I had a shower. I painted my nails. Doesn’t seem like much does it? Yet all of those things  are hard for me to get motivated to do. Sometimes it can be a week or more between showers when I’m in a depressive place. It makes me feel gross and sad. Though I always look fine to everyone else. That’s always been important to me, calmness on the outside while screaming on the inside! Anyone else do this?

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day physically. I’m not quitting smoking weed but I am going to give myself a few days break, my throat hurts. Plus I see my psychiatrist on Thursday and I want to be able to tell my shrink how I really feel.

I feel motivated but sad and I think the sad will go away as soon as my body stops bothering me.