Well since I’ve been writing for a full year and two days. I plan to keep writing every day this year as well. I hope that I can get up two years. I might miss a day or two when I move but I hope to find wifi I can hook into to at least post something.
My mood today is anxious. I haven’t been able to completely relax and I can feel that I could easily lose my temper. I’m what I like to call itchy, not quite bitchy but the itch is there. I don’t want to do things I don’t want do. I don’t want to be told my opinions don’t matter. I don’t want to listen to what other people have to say. I know these things will bring out the capital B.
I’m trying to keep my temper. I am trying to remain calm.
I’m not feeling great physically. I’m not feeling great emotionally. I am anxious about our trip. I’m anxious about feeling bad and I feel like all my nerves are on edge. I hate this feeling.
Maybe it will be better tomorrow.. maybe..
I’m still experiencing the blues and now I am also scared to be alone.
There is a van driving around the neighborhood with a freezer on the back for several days. The housing association has been sending out emails warning people. It makes me nervous just being here by myself. I’m kind of stuck here doing nothing and letting my thoughts wander around in circles.
Can’t wait for 5:00pm to come along so hubby will be home and I’ll be able to relax and just worry about the roadtrip. I love roadtrips so the stress for that will be a lot less.
I would really like a happy day, it’s been over a week now.. dammit.
Well today I have officially been writing my blog every day for a year!! WOOT!!
I didn’t think I could ever do anything for this long and I plan to keep doing a daily post. I just won’t feel guilty if I miss a day or two when I move into our home.
My mood today is kind of meh. I seem to be stuck here. I didn’t really accomplish anything yesterday and today I am aching all over. I have a feeling I am getting a cold again!
I get to visit with my BFF when I go to Dallas, it will be the first time we meet face to face. I’m excited and nervous about it. We’ve known eachother about 12 years now so I don’t know why I am afraid of.
I’ll be spending most of my time alone in a hotel room but at least I get to sleep with hubby instead of being by myself for 4 nights. Plus I love a road trip, over 9 hours driving to get there and another 9ish hours back. Bonus.
Yesterday my husbsand told me he had to go out of town for 4 days for a business trip. I was numb. I didn’t want to be seperated from him, He’s my rock, my reason for living. He helps me survive.
When I found out he was going to Dallas I suggested that we drive and I go with him. He said he would talk to his boss and see if it was possible they would rent a car for us instead of him having to fly, on paper it was even cheaper!
This morning I woke up with an ache in the pit of my stomach. Yet when I talked to Jim he informed me that he could take me on the trip and we would start the drive down Monday. I’m nervous because there might be dinners and I might have to meet people but I’m also excited even though I will be stuck in a hotel room for 3 days while he works.
We’ll see which one wins.
I woke up this morning, sad as usual and dragging myself out of the comfort of dreaming.
Right now I have no idea how I am feeling. I am by myself and that always gives me a low gauge on my emotions. Interacting always brings out how I am actually feeling. Usually Jim brings out the best of me even if I am depressed.
On a good note I have gotten a lot done today.
- I got some painting done.
- I did a drawing.
- I cooked some sausage for dinner.
- I did some laundry.
- I put laundry away and tidied my room.
I think that puts me a little outside of depression but it’s only 3pm and I’m bored and lonely. Laundry takes a while to be done and do the rest. I ran out of paint and can’t work on my painting and dinner isn’t for a few hours to finish it. I think tomorrow I’ll start working out. Today I am gonna just watch some TV and wait for hubby to pick me up and take me to Michael’s and the house.
Moods are weird. Wish I could read them better.
I didn’t wake up until after 11:00am and I really didn’t wan to get up. I still don’t want to be up. I’m just getting dragged down into the pits of despair and don’t want to do anything at all.
I don’t even want to post this blog but there is not way in hell I am going to stop when I am 6 days from writing every day for a year.
Screw this depression.
I hate depression. It makes my body ache, my heart ache and my brain ache. I have absolutely no motivation.
I want an ice cream sandwich and hubby said he would get me one after he made his lunch. He suggested that I get it myself as it might make me feel better about eating it. I just whined that I didn’t want to move like a fricken spoiled child. Yet that is the way I feel.
I don’t want to do anything. Not for myself or anyone else. I just want to sulk on the couch. I guess that is better than going back to bed though. I’ve been fighting that for a few hours as well.
We took our dogs out to the house so they could run around, I felt a little joy at their happiness of being able to run around but it didn’t hold on long enough.
i know I eat my emotions, that’s why I’m fat.. Ah screw it, I’m just gonna try and eat until I feel better. Is this an eating disorder? Over eating?
Today we went out to look at the house and because I was depressed it just didn’t make me happy. After the house we went out to lunch and I could barely eat. I had a bacon burger with bacon baked in and I couldn’t eat it. Food tasted blah.
I’m still not feeling 100%, I am fighting the urge to go to bed. I want to go because I am tired not because I am sad.
I did a painting today though that I rather liked so that is a bright spot in my day.
I feel like I jinxed myself by telling my shrink that I am doing OK. I mean I woke up the next morning sad and depressed. WTH really? Why can’t it be a nice and happy for longer? I have no answers…
Last night I started to feel blue. Just a little sad. There was no reason for it so I know my bipolar depression was trying to slam it’s heaad through the door.
Sometimes I can just sleep it off. However this morning I woke up twice as sad and I’m feeling very hopeless. I think I will just go back to bed. I see no reason to be awake and spend all day alone and miserable.
Today was ok. I played some diablo and watched some TV. Got no painting done and really didn’t accomplish much. I did go see my shrink today and she gave me a medication that should help me focus more on things. I have a habit/problem of not being able to do anything for more than 5-15 mins. I think I might have ADD, she thinks it might be because of anxiety and the general bipolarity.
So the new medicine is what we are going to try and see if it can help with my general malaise. It’s supposed to make me feel more motivated and less irritable. We shall see. Honestly I am willing to try anything as long as my problems get better.
I trust my shrink. That’s more than I can say for most people.