I think I’ll post! Sorry it has been a while but I have been seriously so depressed I was happy if I showered once every two weeks! I’ve had no motivation. Honestly I say it is partially genuine feelings and this new weed I got. Both make me want to do more.
I did go to Applebee’s during a slow time for lunch last week. Slowly getting at doing more.
I’ve been playing my computer games but still haven’t painted. I can feel it coming though the painting will happen sometime I just have to patiently wait for my brain to allow it.
My anxiety has sucked a lot lately. My brain just always goes to a negative place for every single thought that I have. I don’t know what to do about it except give my head a shake and go on to the next thought and hope it is better.
Anyhow nothing really has happened besides the Applebee’s thing. My life is not real exciting right now. My days are spent stoned and dozing in the recliner listening to music. It makes me feel relaxed and shuts that voice up for a little while. So I always end up doing it every day. Though the night before I always claim will be a weed free day but it doesn’t end up that way. oh well.
I have posted over 500 posts and now have almost 400 followers. I don’t understand it but I’m excited someone wants to read what I am saying, So thank you!
I’ve been getting involved with Facebook more and more as it helps alleviate the loneliness and I only have people I care about on there so I can be myself.
I’m super stressed right now about hubbies upcoming trip but at least my mom in law is going to come and stay over for the four nights he is gone. I’m so thankful for her. My sister in law and her invited me out for a beer today but I just wasn’t up to it because of the stress. Going out is hard enough.
Last night I rode to MacDonald’s with hubby I didn’t want to go so I went. I wish I could do that more. It’ll take time but I’ll get there. I don’t want to be lonely anymore.
I realize I haven’t been sick all that long or I’ve been sick for a very long time. It’s confusing. I have intestinal issues but I have IBS plus sometimes it just acts up when I am stressed. I find it very tiring non the less.
I’m trying to find a way out of the circle I’ve made for myself. Working on a painting. Hopefully that will give me a little boost when it’s done. Just trying to give myself a positive thing to do every day, even if it’s just a little.
I’m feeling less depressed today than I did yesterday though, which makes me semi-smile.
I thought that my emotions would be different. I thought that I would suddenly want to do all sorts of things. I thought once I was in my house I wouldn’t experience the depression. I was wrong.
I’ve been feeling kind of blah today. Things are still not completely put away and I can’t take care of them until some dressers and shelves come later this week. I’m feeling overwhelmed and stressed.
I thought that I would just automatically be happier. I didn’t think that the mood swings would happen so soon. I thought I would at least be able to ride the high of owning a home.
It’s frustrating. I want to be happy and relaxed. Stupid brain.
I just keep worrying about everything. Tomorrow it is supposed to snow .5 to 2 inches and we have bald tires on the car and the next day we need to close on the house and it’s making my stomach hurt thinking about something messing up.
Originally I was just concerned about my social anxiety but now everrything has become a stressor. We’ve had everything set to be delivered in an orderly fashion. We’ve had things set to be set up as long as everything goes according to plan. One dominoe could fuck up the entire thing. UGH.
Why does my brain have to be like this? My husband is so flipping calm. I don’t know how he can be but he just doesn’t stress like me and it drives me bloody bananas.
Just one more day to go and hopefully everything will go ok. If it does I won’t be posting for a couple of days but I think that is a good enough reason to miss posting.
I’m supposed to be happy. I’m supposed to be thrilled that we are closing in 3 days. I’m supposed to finally be able to relax.
I’m so stressed out. The whatif’s are killing me. What if we can’t get to the closing? What if we don’t find out what the check we are supposed to bring is? What if there is bad weather and it messes everything up?
That and a whole bunch more sillier smaller things that are just constantly keeping my mind in constant rotation. It won’t fucking shut up, it’s just thrumming with whatif’s.
It’s made today a not so great day.
I forced myself to go out for dinner though even though I want to curl up in fetal postition and hide. I have to keep pushing myself.
Maybe tomorrow will be calmer but tonight I am going to seek out my husbands arms and let him hold me until I sleep or cry/
This weekend I’ve gotten almost everything packed. I just really have clothes and maybe one or two boxes to pack and I will be done for Thursday.
This is what the mess looks like…
I think we are really going to pack the uhaul we are renting. I can’t believe we are so close to moving day.
I have to admit I lay in bed for two hours this afternoon having some anxiety about the move and all the unpacking I will have to do. I tend to worry about every single thing so it passed like all the other things do.
My mood has been awesome though. I’m managing to stay up, seriously hoping it is the pristiq helping.
I’m excited to see how each day goes moving forward. Tomorrow will be another test as I will be home alone. Though I have found the guilty pleasure of watching TV shows I wouldn’t normally.
Here’s hoping it’s a good day.
Almost forgot to post. How can someone who has been posting every day forget?
My brain is so filled with depression and stress that I am not thinking clearly. I am worried about everything for the house going smoothly. 16 more days to go and I’ll be in my own home but my mind can’t help but think of all the things that could go wrong before then.
I went to my shrink today and she’s decided to add pristiq to my other meds, apparently it works really well with latuda so hopefully I will start to see a change for the better soon.
Today I ended up going back to bed and sleeping most of my day away, all I can hope for is to be more up tomorrow then today. I know it could get worse but I hope it doesn’t.
Yesterday turned out pretty good. I got to visit with my BFF and hug her. It felt so good to finally be so close to her. We talked for a couple hours and it felt so natural. I am not sure what I was so nervous about.
The rest of the time was pretty boring. Like today has been so fucking. I am not experiencing much difference than when I am in Omaha. Except I keep getting little jolts of anxiety and I’m kind of dreading the drive home. I still have a whole other day of this. I wish I was brave enough to go out by myself.
Being stuck in a hotel room for three days is not something I think I will do again. The next time hubby has a trip I think I’ll just stay home and be bored there. Sure I won’t get to sleep with him but I will feel more comfortable.
I have this feeling that something bad will happen constantly popping into my head. It’s so annoying. Hubby still won’t be back for another 3 hours. Plus I’ve been waking up earlier then I do at home which is making the day even longer.
If anyone has any suggestions of what a person stuck in a hotel room can do with herself, I’ll gladly take it into consideration, cause this just blows… Maybe I’ll get hubby to take me out tonight to at least get some fresh air.
Well since I’ve been writing for a full year and two days. I plan to keep writing every day this year as well. I hope that I can get up two years. I might miss a day or two when I move but I hope to find wifi I can hook into to at least post something.
My mood today is anxious. I haven’t been able to completely relax and I can feel that I could easily lose my temper. I’m what I like to call itchy, not quite bitchy but the itch is there. I don’t want to do things I don’t want do. I don’t want to be told my opinions don’t matter. I don’t want to listen to what other people have to say. I know these things will bring out the capital B.
I’m trying to keep my temper. I am trying to remain calm.
I’m not feeling great physically. I’m not feeling great emotionally. I am anxious about our trip. I’m anxious about feeling bad and I feel like all my nerves are on edge. I hate this feeling.
Maybe it will be better tomorrow.. maybe..