Anxiety

The Stress IS Getting To Me

I just keep worrying about everything. Tomorrow it is supposed to snow .5 to 2 inches and we have bald tires on the car and the next day we need to close on the house and it’s making my stomach hurt thinking about something messing up.

Originally I was just concerned about my social anxiety but now everrything has become a stressor. We’ve had everything set to be delivered in an orderly fashion. We’ve had things set to be set up as long as everything goes according to plan. One dominoe could fuck up the entire thing. UGH.

Why does my brain have to be like this? My husband is so flipping calm. I don’t know how he can be but he just doesn’t stress like me and it drives me bloody bananas.

Just one more day to go and hopefully everything will go ok. If it does I won’t be posting for a couple of days but I think that is a good enough reason to miss posting.

More Whatif’s

I’m supposed to be happy. I’m supposed to be thrilled that we are closing in 3 days. I’m supposed to finally be able to relax.

I’m so stressed out. The whatif’s are killing me. What if we can’t get to the closing? What if we don’t find out what the check we are supposed to bring is? What if there is bad weather and it messes everything up?

That and a whole bunch more sillier smaller things that are just constantly keeping my mind in constant rotation. It won’t fucking shut up, it’s just thrumming with whatif’s.

It’s made today a not so great day.

I forced myself to go out for dinner though even though I want to curl up in fetal postition and hide. I have to keep pushing myself.

Maybe tomorrow will be calmer but tonight I am going to seek out my husbands arms and let him hold me until I sleep or cry/

Day 3 In Dallas

I got to see my BFF again and it was absolutely wonderful to be able to hug her and tell her I love her. I can’t wait to see her again, it’s the only thing that made this trip worth it to be perfectly honest.

I’m highly stressed right now about travelling home. I can’t wait to leave in the morning but the traffic here is frightening. Plus there may be snow and ice when we hit Nebraska again. That makes my tummy hurt big time.

Hopefully tomorrow I’ll be writing this saying I got home safe and sound. For now I am going to try and relax and mentally prepare for the trip home and being able to sleep tonight.

I did go out to dinner tonight so I did accomplish something at least…

A Year and Two Days

Well since I’ve been writing for a full year and two days. I plan to keep writing every day this year as well. I hope that I can get up two years. I might miss a day or two when I move but I hope to find wifi I can hook into to at least post something.

My mood today is anxious. I haven’t been able to completely relax and I can feel that I could easily lose my temper. I’m what I like to call itchy, not quite bitchy but the itch is there. I don’t want to do things I don’t want do. I don’t want to be told my opinions don’t matter. I don’t want to listen to what other people have to say. I know these things will bring out the capital B.

I’m trying to keep my temper. I am trying to remain calm.

I’m not feeling great physically. I’m not feeling great emotionally. I am anxious about our trip. I’m anxious about feeling bad and I feel like all my nerves are on edge. I hate this feeling.

Maybe it will be better tomorrow.. maybe..

Dallas Here I Come

Yesterday my husbsand told me he had to go out of town for 4 days for a business trip. I was numb. I didn’t want to be seperated from him, He’s my rock, my reason for living. He helps me survive.

When I found out he was going to Dallas I suggested that we drive and I go with him. He said he would talk to his boss and see if it was possible they would rent a car for us instead of him having to fly, on paper it was even cheaper!

This morning I woke up with an ache in the pit of my stomach. Yet when I talked to Jim he informed me that he could take me on the trip and we would start the drive down Monday. I’m nervous because there might be dinners and I might have to meet people but I’m also excited even though I will be stuck in a hotel room for 3 days while he works.

We’ll see which one wins.

 

Not So Nice Surprise

Today it was snowing and our car is not that great in that kind of weather so hubby decided to work from home. I was thrilled he was here. Then around 1:00pm hubby found out that he had a flight out to Denver and had to leave by 5pm. Needless to say he is fairly close to landing in another city and I have to sleep alone for the next two nights while he is on his business trip.

I can’t believe how unprofessional his business was that they didn’t bother to call him his entire week off to see he was available to travel, they did it all by email and he didn’t find out until a few hours before his flight yet the other people knew because they were at work. I call bullshit.

I’m not happy but really he had no choice if he wants to stay in good standing with work.

I don’t have to like it though! FUCK THEM!

Video Blog, Enjoy!

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xC0VJOeml_Q

Anxiety is Through the Roof

I’ve been so stressed out.I really hate the holiday season it gets me all up in arms. I’ve decided to not do things a month ahead because I’m so anxious about still being sick. I think that I said yesterday I had gotten a second cold and sadly I am still having tummy issues. It makes it hard to live like I should. I am tired of my social anxiety.

I realize I am better than I was even just 2 years ago where I never left the house for any reason. Yet it feels like I am backsliding. As I write this I am fighting off a panic attack. My arms are prickling which I know is the start of a breathing panic attack. So I am trying to breathe slowly and realize even though I have a cold I am alright.

I just want to be in my home. My own home where I can feel ill and comfortable. I don’t know if you can imagine what it is like to feel ill while living in someone else’s home. It’s very uncomfortable. Even though we stay in a room here I feel like I don’t have a place to be alone. Even though we are family it still doesn’t feel right. I feel alone, yet not.

It’s so very hard to describe it, but it is not making life very easy right now.

Gonna give in and take a clonezapam however it’s spelled.. I’m gonna go and try and relax now.

Find Calm

I’m obviously pretty stressed out. Having a home built. Living with my mother in law. Those are just a few of the things in my hefty load of stress.

My therapist said that I need to find something to de-stress myself. It’s hard. I have some games to play, i can paint and I like to play this thing called star something or other, it’s a karaoke game.I like singing, but then it makes me feel bad cause while I can get 3 stars on a lot of songs, I know I am not very good and it records you visually and audibly and it brings back those feelings of self-hate that I am trying so hard to fight.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like my insides are going to melt into acidic mush if I don’t find find something to do. I just wish I had the will, or the positive feels I were feeling last week. Some motivation would be nice but I’m tired and I’m stressed and I just don’t want to bother.

I even had a panic attack today at my therapy session. It sucked balls. This was after a xanax and a clonazepam. Ya I’m stressed.

Saying No To Myself

Sometimes it’s good to say no to yourself and talk yourself out of things. Like last night at 3am I woke up and wanted candy corn so I went half asleep stumbling down the stairs to grab a handful. I felt guilty about it all day. It was my first cheat on my diet. I know it wont be my last but I realize it will happen again. I’ve been pretty good though.

Saying no to myself because of fear or anxiety is such a bad idea though. Every time I get nervous I want to not do something. For example I got a little nervous about going to lunch yesterday and today yet I went out both days. I decided my anxiety isn’t going to control me anymore.

Tomorrow night will be the true test when I go out to one of the Halloween events that are going on around Omaha. There are several and I am going to one no matter how hard it is. Even if it is the one I am familiar with. I have to keep moving forward. Life is short and I won’t say no to myself anymore.

Well unless it is about food. No sugar, no caffeine, no high fats…

Time to say yes to being in shape and being sexy and liking myself.

Time to say yes to going out and not caring what others think.

No more no….