Not Letting Go

Today I woke up depressed as usual. Hubby decided to put New Girl on Netflix and we watched several episodes and while I wasn’t laughing like him, I felt things lighten a little. Then I got hungry and he went out and picked me up something to eat. He really is a dear even though he can piss me off like no one else. Speaking of which when he came home he did something that pissed me off. I couldn’t let go of it and right now the pissed off feeling still lingers.

Thing is it was something stupid and trivial. I know I should just let it go but my body really loves to hold on the that anger. Or is it the brain? Probably both. I know I’ll calm down eventually but for now I am just pissed that I almost felt good and it’s gone now. FUCK!

 

Still Depressed

Went and got my hopes up again yesterday.  I woke up feeling just as crappy today as I have every other day but with less stress. I should feel happy about that at least but nope. I’m fucking miserable.

M I S E R A B L E

fuck.

 

 

Day 2 Done

I Did it!!!! I made it through both days without anything horrible happening.  I’m so glad that is over with. I even went out to lunch with hubby after like a normal person. I will finally be able to relax and not have to worry about anything for a while. They even updated my permanent resident card so I have a valid ID until my new one comes in.

I’m very thankful right now. For the people in my life. The wonderful readers who read my blog and just for being generally healthy.

It’s a nice change from sad and angry and stressed. I think that I will just enjoy the rest of the day without worrying about anything else.

 

Day 1 Down

I made it through the first day. We had our meeting and signed some papers and I even went out for lunch afterwards. It wasn’t as big a deal as my brain made it at all. Does that mean that I am any less freaked out about tomorrow? Nope! My brain just doesn’t work that way.

I am gonna sleep for a week when this is all done. I had to nap today after two nights of crappy sleep and I fully expect that I won’t sleep well tonight either. I’m sore from being tense all the time.

Not sure on my mood, I honestly had two xanax and a clonezapam for breakfast so I’m feeling pretty mellow. Whatcha gonna do.

 

Today Has Been Toturous

I didn’t sleep very well last night, I wasn’t able to get past REM before I would be woken up by something or somebody.  Then all today I had bottom issues. The stress of tomorrow and Thursday is really playing havoc on my body.

I’m so fucking stressed I seldom have a moment where I can relax.

I hate things that you HAVE TO DO!

I had forgotten just how bad my anxiety could get until this past week. At least it is keeping my mind off the depression which is still rearing it’s ugly head.

Blech.

Tummy Trouble

My tummy has been acting up all day. I hate that I don’t feel well when I have to go out Weds and Thurs.  Plus I am so stressed out. My mood has been meh. Not bad but not good. Feeling like crap definitely doesn’t help. I don’t know how much of it is in my head where I’m stressing out or what’s real. Between that and the hot flashes it’s just unbearable.

I did go out with hubby to pick up food today so that is my daily accomplishment. Feeling bad and going out willingly is still a lot different than having to go out unwillingly. I’m so dreading going out this week. I’m having nightmares every night. I hate my brain so much.

 

I Feel Like A Horrible Person

My husband has a stressful job. In fact he had to go into work today but yet he still manages to be happy and sometimes it makes me want to claw his eyes out.. Not for long but a brief flash of what the fuck does he have to be so happy about pops into my head. Thus the reason I am a horrible person.

He’s a wonderful husband, kind and caring, occasionally romantic and always wanting to make me happy. So it makes me feel bad to want him to feel bad if even for a second. He deserves happiness more than most people I know.

I’m a bitch.

 

Target Pokemon

While my mood wasn’t much better today than it’s been I did two things. I walked downtown to play Pokemon and I went to Target to shop for my favorite things. Halloween decorations. We got some pretty good ones too. I still think we need something a little more scary but our house is gonna be totes adorbs! (yes it’s not english and I don’t care)

I almost forgot to write my blog but I actually remembered all on my own without my alarm and here I am.

I’m still hopeful that I might be on an upswing and it’s just taking a while to hit me.  Who knows?!?

Missed Nothing

I forgot to write my blog yesterday because I was watching a show when my alarm went off and thought for sure I would remember later.. I did not.

Yesterday I was pretty miserable. Today I am just highly anxious about next week. Listening to my crush sing for a while helped a little though. Made me stop thinking for a bit. Every time I want a little pick me up I watch the videos on YouTube and it gives me a tiny lift if I am not at rock bottom.  Maybe this means I’m on the way to an upswing. *fingers crossed*

I did try to nap today though but it was because of the anxiety, not the depression. Was not successful my brain just never shuts up.

Next week I have to go and sign the papers that sell our old home and I have to go to the INS for my new permanent resident. I rarely go out and when I do I usually prefer not to be where people are, but I have to go to both of these things and I have to interact. Terrifying I tell ya. I just have to remember that my anti-nausea meds and mint gum are my best friends in those situations.

Music sounds good today, that’s a really good sign.  I’m afraid to hope though.

Even Family Night Isn’t Working

It’s family dinner time and I didn’t even have to cook but I am still miserable.  You would think being surrounded by loved ones would pick up my mood but it hasn’t.

Next week I have to go and sign papers selling our house and go to the INS for my stuff for renewing my greencard and it’s stressing me out

I’m stressed and depressed what a joy! I’m honestly so miserable. I know it is going to stop at some point but since I don’t know when it feels unbearable.

Even my facebook posts and copies are dark and about depression. I’m finding it so hard to do anything.

Accomplishment for the day, I showered. That’s something. I mean it has to mean something. If I didn’t have an accomplishment a day I think I would just give up completely. I don’t think my husband understands how hard this cycle is being on me.

I should try to tell him.