A Good Start

Today I went to see my shrink and she increased my pristiq because it seems to be helping some. I’m getting a little more involved in things and am looking forward to doing more.

Did I mention I love my shrink. We have so much in common, it feels like visiting a friend. She explained to me while I am emotionally shut off from people right now. Apparently when you are in a depressive state for a long time you put up all sorts of walls and when you start coming out of that depression sometimes it is still hard to drop those walls and be vulnerable. I agree with her. I’ve blocked out feelings for so long, not even allowing myself to cry at a sad moment. Now it’s hard for me to laugh out loud or cry or any other emotion. I’m working on it though.

I’m glad I have such a good doctor. I’m thankful for her.  Do you have a shrink or doctor you like a great deal?

 

Tonight I Went To The Store

Tonight I went to Target with my husband and walked around the whole store.  I even asked someone for assistance.  Not a big deal for most but for me it’s a huge one!

I haven’t been out really except for a few walks with my husband so this was a pretty big deal.  I think no I know that I shocked him when I agreed to go.

My mood has been up and down and I’m still having a hard time finding things I enjoy doing but I’m going to keep trying.

I imagine that my shrink will be increasing my pristiq when I go see her and hopefully it will help.

One step at a time right?

 

I Find Myself At The Computer

I’m just sitting here listening to music, you know making myself feel good. Ya good. Isn’t that something? I even had a good dream last night and I never get those!

Maybe these meds are making more of a difference than I thought. Well it’s hard to tell from having one good day. I’m putting the eggs before the chicken but it will hopefully turn out to be a full day.

So I figured why not come on and post. I need to get my post count up it’s been appalling of late and hopefully it will make someone else feel good or hopeful. Who knows right? I don’t know what you who read my blog really get from it but I’m glad you read it.

For those curious about if I’ve given up the weed, I haven’t but it isn’t affecting anything that I see at present anyhow.

 

It’s Been A While

I’ve been mostly paralyzingly depressed for quite a while and did not feel up to doing anything. I’m starting to feel a little better and thought I should at least write an update.

My shrink has me back on wellbutrin and pristiq but has added in rexulti to make them work better. We haven’t reached goal yet but at least there is some movement out of depression.  I’m still sleeping a lot. I love dreaming and when I get up I’m up for 5 hours before my husband is due home compared to 9 hours if I woke up when regular people do.

I’ve been outside a little bit. Walking with hubby around the neighborhood. That’s something at least, cause I think there was a couple months where I went no where at all.

Little steps. Getting it done.

 

No Creativity

I am feeling the urge to create. Usually I do this with painting or creating dimensions in Rift but my mind is completely blank!

My mood has been better lately, not the best today but still better than it has been in the past. I suppose my meds are working somewhat. That’s a good thing. However I am stuck in the worst possible rut and feel like saying meh every time I come up with a thought to do something. It’s annoying.

I thought maybe I could at least write but even now as I am writing the words are struggling to come out.

It’s really pissing me off.

I’m listening to music hoping it will help, it’s not doing much so far except I am enjoying some of my favorite songs so I guess that is something.

It’s so hard to describe how I am feeling, honestly I feel like I’m on the treadmill of life, it doesn’t go anywhere but at least I’m moving.

I suppose it is all better than being so depressed I can’t get out of bed and I should be grateful for the positive things that are going on in my life. I mean I’m blessed. I have a wonderful supportive husband, I got some great family and I have a gorgeous grandson that is almost a year old. Sadly I’ve never met him. I collect pictures and videos my daughter sends me though.

anyhow I apparently have nothing to write so I give up for now.

Since I’m Having a Good Day

I think I’ll post! Sorry it has been a while but I have been seriously so depressed I was happy if I showered once every two weeks! I’ve had no motivation. Honestly I say it is partially genuine feelings and this new weed I got. Both make me want to do more.

I did go to Applebee’s during a slow time for lunch last week. Slowly getting at doing more.

I’ve been playing my computer games but still haven’t painted. I can feel it coming though the painting will happen sometime I just have to patiently wait for my brain to allow it.

My anxiety has sucked a lot lately.  My brain just always goes to a negative place for every single thought that I have. I don’t know what to do about it except give my head a shake and go on to the next thought and hope it is better.

Anyhow nothing really has happened besides the Applebee’s thing. My life is not real exciting right now. My days are spent stoned and dozing in the recliner listening to music. It makes me feel relaxed and shuts that voice up for a little while. So I always end up doing it every day. Though the night before I always claim will be a weed free day but it doesn’t end up that way.  oh well.

I’ve Been Getting Urges

I have been getting urges to go back to work. Which is something I know I’m not ready for. I’m too damn shy to be any kind of telemarketer or phone sex op. I’ve done both so I know what I think I’ll be good at.  It’s not that I would be bad I would just be uncomfortable. I want to start going out of the house before I seriously consider working from home. I need to be able to push myself. This agoraphobia is a real bitch. I haven’t been out in I think six weeks. Well that’s not true because I did walk to the mail box on my own several times. The neighborhood feels comfortable enough for me to walk a little ways from the house on my own.

Omg this post is awful, not artfully written at all. I dunno I just want to share the changes that are happening, but am still not back to posting every day. I need to push myself to do it as I feel better after posting.

Anyhoo there’s that.

A New Post

This and the last post are closer than I’ve been in a long while. The wellbutrin has me motivated I suppose. I’m not unhappy. Still terrified of everything. It seems like all I can do is think of the worst scenario for anything. My brain never goes to the positive side.

I did walk to the mail box by myself today though. So that’s a huge accomplishment, specially when I have the flu. I did think a lot of negative things on the way there. Often times if keeps me from going though and this time it did not. This gives me some hope for myself and freedom from this prison I’ve created for myself.  Tonight’s also the first time I’ve been high in a week. Which was a choice not because I ran out! I’m getting better at being recreational.

Anyhow I think that’s all I wanted to say.

 

Death

Hi guys it’s been a while since I’ve written.

Lately all I can do is think about death.  I’m afraid of so many things. Trump starting world war 3, getting older and being more at risk for illnesses. I’m terrified. There doesn’t seem to be anything I can do or think about that makes me feel any better either.  I suppose it’s a good thing that I am afraid of death, I at least won’t be killing myself. Even with the almost constant depression.

I thought maybe writing about it might help, but it’s not.

I also have the damn flu which is giving me anxiety. I swear if it wasn’t for Xanax I would fall apart completely.

fuck…

 

Things Haven’t Changed Much

As you can see from the title things haven’t changed much. I’m still not painting, still not doing much. I’m depressed most of the time and I want out of this jail cell but can’t think for one minute of where I would even go and be comfortable.

Now I have to go make my lunch.

Stoned again.. sigh