I feel like I am really not worth much right now. My green card is expired and I need to get it renewed and we are trying to sell a house, which you need ID for. I thought I had until 2017, but I was completely wrong on the date and am now super late on getting it done. I hope that sending the paper work off this weekend will rectify it so I stop feeling like this.
I told my husband that I didn’t feel like my life was worth anything and I honestly meant it. I don’t do anything and I know that has to change but when getting out of bed is an accomplishment what are you supposed to do. Hubby thinks it’ll be another week before I get feeling better. I hope he’s right about this one too.
I was watching some TV and playing some WoW with hubby and lost track of time. How am I feeling? Not great. Still feel like I am coming down with something and I made the mistake of smoking some weed last night, setting myself back some.
Tomorrow it is supposed to be all stormy while hubby is at work and I fucking hate it so much. I’m so terrified every time it happens.
At least tomorrow is Friday and I won’t have to be alone for a couple days.
Last night was fun though. I talked. A lot! I don’t do that very often, usually I am the one that just sits and nods and listens. I think it helped me some. You know in a therapeutic kind of way.
It was nice to have people around for a time and this weekend we are celebrating my MiL’s birthday.
Yesterday I decided that I didn’t want to be lonely today. Most days I can’t do anything about it. Family dinner night though I can be outgoing and ask if people are gonna come.
Tonight my MiL and SiL are both here and it’s nice to hear conversation going on in the house. Especially since I can quietly listen and just enjoy myself. Which I am gonna keep this post short so I can do just that!
Today I sat like a fucking mess and cried a good deal of my day away. It’s not that there was exactly a lot to cry over, it’s just my heart feels so torn apart for no goddamn reason. My brain feels like it is betraying me and I’m tired.
I hate this damn depression, it sucks the life out of me. I’m so drained but I don’t want to sleep because then I can’t sleep at night. I don’t want to be alone anymore than I need to because frankly I’m lonely as hell. So fucking lonely. No one but hubby to talk to and I have to wait until he gets home each day. Even with my sleep as late as I can thingy that I do, 5 hours alone is my max. Sometimes I feel alone when hubby is home because I have to let him do stuff to make him happy, he can’t just be thinking about my needs all the time.
Hubby did something sweet today, he brought me flowers and a stuffed turtle. The stuffed turtle was the amazing part. I collect all things turtle and trying to find turtle things especially in the middle of the country.
I feel horrible. Physically and emotionally. I’ve had the chills on and off today. I slept until 1:30pm and got nothing accomplished.
I feel like shit.
I’m so depressed again. I hate it so much.
I have no motivation.
As of this afternoon I am out of weed until October, who knows I might even feel comfortable enough to avoid getting it then. I’m depressed but we all saw that coming didn’t we. I could watch it happening and still the need to smoke overcame any want to get better, until now that is.
I am having a serious lack of motivation but have been playing WoW.
Don’t even know if I have been posting daily or not. I’ve been pretty much high morning til night. I hope I haven’t missed too much. I run out later tonight and then I am not getting any until mom comes for a visit in October. That’ll be a decent break.
My appetite is back, though I don’t want it to be. I liked being disgusted by food. Now some things are starting to taste good to me.
That’s the slide backward right? My as will not thank me I can tell you that.
I am in no mood to do anything. I just want to curl up in bed and stay there and sleep, dream. Get away from here.
You are still wrong if you don’t do something to change it right? You can admit it till the cows come home, big deal.
Smoking the weed and it working on my depression medication and fucking it up, but like I said what am I going to do about it.