I have been getting urges to go back to work. Which is something I know I’m not ready for. I’m too damn shy to be any kind of telemarketer or phone sex op. I’ve done both so I know what I think I’ll be good at. It’s not that I would be bad I would just be uncomfortable. I want to start going out of the house before I seriously consider working from home. I need to be able to push myself. This agoraphobia is a real bitch. I haven’t been out in I think six weeks. Well that’s not true because I did walk to the mail box on my own several times. The neighborhood feels comfortable enough for me to walk a little ways from the house on my own.
Omg this post is awful, not artfully written at all. I dunno I just want to share the changes that are happening, but am still not back to posting every day. I need to push myself to do it as I feel better after posting.
Anyhoo there’s that.
This and the last post are closer than I’ve been in a long while. The wellbutrin has me motivated I suppose. I’m not unhappy. Still terrified of everything. It seems like all I can do is think of the worst scenario for anything. My brain never goes to the positive side.
I did walk to the mail box by myself today though. So that’s a huge accomplishment, specially when I have the flu. I did think a lot of negative things on the way there. Often times if keeps me from going though and this time it did not. This gives me some hope for myself and freedom from this prison I’ve created for myself. Tonight’s also the first time I’ve been high in a week. Which was a choice not because I ran out! I’m getting better at being recreational.
Anyhow I think that’s all I wanted to say.
Hi guys it’s been a while since I’ve written.
Lately all I can do is think about death. I’m afraid of so many things. Trump starting world war 3, getting older and being more at risk for illnesses. I’m terrified. There doesn’t seem to be anything I can do or think about that makes me feel any better either. I suppose it’s a good thing that I am afraid of death, I at least won’t be killing myself. Even with the almost constant depression.
I thought maybe writing about it might help, but it’s not.
I also have the damn flu which is giving me anxiety. I swear if it wasn’t for Xanax I would fall apart completely.
As you can see from the title things haven’t changed much. I’m still not painting, still not doing much. I’m depressed most of the time and I want out of this jail cell but can’t think for one minute of where I would even go and be comfortable.
Now I have to go make my lunch.
Stoned again.. sigh
I still haven’t painted. I got all the things I need, I have instructional videos. Bob Ross has so many I can follow along with I’m just not motivated to do it and I’m also afraid of doing it. Pretty dumb huh? Oh well.
I don’t know why I decided to write today but I thought that I ought to check in and give a wassup. 😛
I haven’t been in the best of moods. Usually I have day after day of depression. Right now I am on 3mg of Rexulti and 300mg of Wellbutrin for my depression. I think I need something else in there but I’ll work that out on my next shrinks appt.
Oh and I dyed my hair dark pink. So that’s fun.
Anyhoo going to go now..
I’m finding it hard to get motivated to get out of bed let alone blog. I did have a couple of good days but I took advantage of them and hung with hubby. I find when I am actively spending time with him as opposed to just sitting side by side at our computers I feel better about the outlook on life.
Our Birthdays are both coming up and I really didn’t want to do anything for mine at least but now we are having to do a family gathering. sigh… I hate being reminded that I’m getting older… 48 this year, another 2 and I can have aarp lol.
Anyhow I wanted to apologize to people who actually read this blog.. Sorry I just suck balls lately.
Today I walked round our block catching Pokemon and talking with my husband. I also went to Walmart and did grocery shopping. I haven’t felt like writing or really doing anything at all so there have been no real accomplishments except going on living.
Today I am just sitting back relaxing listening to tunes and smoking green.
The depression has been weighing on me quite a bit lately. I really think I need to set an alarm for blogging again. Ya I think I will, if I remember.. hehe.
I hope to be returning back to writing daily soon.
So apparently I’ve had this blog for 3 years. I really need to start writing more again.
I have been pretty self involved lately and have been doing things I want to. The amazing thing is I want to do things. I mean the want to do anything is amazing.
I haven’t done anything exciting and I’m almost ready to start doing some painting, just waiting for an easel that I purchased. I’m going to be trying painting with Bob Ross so for Christmas hubby let me get a bunch of new brushes and paints, I’m very excited but also very nervous about it, not sure why I am nervous but I just am.
I went a couple of weeks I think without weed, it was interesting. I find I can do fine either way.
I’ve been spending a lot of time with hubby too. Woot, love spending time with that man.
Today at 11:18am I have already had some accomplishments. I have taken the garbage and recycling out and walked both dogs separately to the mailbox! Yep doesn’t sound like much but for someone whose house needs a full cleaning it’s a head start and it’s something I can do. I plan to also do the two loads of laundry I have had sitting in the laundry room since my mom’s visit. (That’s what happens when you own too many clothes).
I decided I would also post on my blog. So here I am! Hi 🙂
My depression must be improving without me knowing it though because the wellbutrin seems to be doing some motivating. The increase of the rexulti seems to be helping too. Though I admit the last two days I napped in the afternoon just to pass time, I was so lonely. I don’t know how to interact with people anymore. I used to play WoW and be in a guild and talk with a lot of people. I need to start doing that again just to be a part of something and to interact with people again.
I’ll figure it out I guess.
I miss my sister in law. She is dating a really nice person right now and I haven’t had a chance to see her very much. Hopefully as they get more serious that will change though and there will be a little wiggle room for me. We’ll see.
I need to get out of here. I don’t need to leave for more than a few days but I need a change.
Today’s accomplishments were cleaning up the floors, and doing a couple of loads of laundry and actually putting it away. Maybe tomorrow I’ll do some more and finally get caught up. I’m still finding it hard to get motivated. I feel like a Emo kid. Sigh I don’t want to do anything but maybe if I start something, than I’m all like what the fuck did I get myself into and that’s how I get anything done at all. Which I really haven’t much, which is why I haven’t posted.
Only reason I am posting today is I’m stoned and accidentally went to my blog page. Then I had to write. I mean I do want to write more don’t get me wrong, again it’s that lack of motivation thing happening. I wish I could force myself to sleep just whenever and than I would have a way to pass time.
Even looking for a way to finish this is exhausting.